JuicyLoveMagic

all this thought

i used to be a dreamer. but more than a dreamer, a visionary. and i am still. i know there is an important fire in my heart. something vibrant and alive that feels like it is flickering. i am breathing hard in attempt to keep it awake and alive. and so i question so many folk (f*ck!! i KNOW that doesn't work for me...) and still have come up empty handed. i feel like my mind is one of those old lottery machines with the numbered balls in it. the blond, white woman rolls the handle until it's time and pulls out the right numbers...5-30-6-12-52. and then it all makes sense to someone sitting on a couch in the back of their stepmother's house pleading at the television, praying that their numbers are called.

that is my mind right now. full of ideas, visions, dreams bumping and bubbling around, waiting anxiously for the lid to be opened so that one, precious important image can be brought to fuition.

bahati tells me to go to school--get a phd--have someone else pay for me to travel and talk to girls and write down their stories. my mama tells me to get off her paycheck and while i'm trying to be as financially quiet as possible, i am still burrowing a bigger hole than i'd ever like to occupy. my coach tells me that i know how to travel and be in the world. she says i need to learn how to create a life somewhere...how to put my roots down and be responsible...live like the 20-something, post college person that i am. my brother says dreamers must be asleep in order to dream. i must be a planner instead. my father says, "pick up your bed and walk." my mentor tells me, 'get it together girl...16 countries, and you're a negro? raised by a negro family and you haven't written a story yet? you are SAVING OUR LIVES and you haven't docuemented what you've done? shameful. just shameful.'

all these people in my corner, believe in me...know my potential and past and possibilities. they believe in me enough for extended and repeated conversations and sessions and mindmapping and meetings and plannings and dinners and commitments and...they believe in me enough to donate their hard earned time and energy and attention to my cause of living the life that i envision. of growing beyond this little shell. and while the shell is mighty large to most, it is way too small for me.

and so things are manifesting--ideas, faith, confidence. little pieces are coming back together and i am grateful for all of the love, faith and willingness to sit with me.

i am being rushed off the computer again, but i needed to get that out. needed to breathe a little inside of all this thought.

love,

l'

posted by Phoenix @ 8:53 PM