JuicyLoveMagic

resolution

years ago, a dear friend of mine asked me if my mum wasn't so disconcertingly disapproving, would i eventually choose a side. and i said no. this is simply the beautiful and tender space that i occupy. i could not rightfully choose a side and be honest to my whole self. i could instead be an ambiguous member of both worlds, never really belonging to either. yesterday, as i was sitting and staring at the tele, i finally came fully into myself, comfortable to be a citizen of two nations. for forever i thought that by acknowledging my dual-citizinship, i would be a sellout to one but the truth is, i am what and all that i am. there is liberation in this box of boxes. in this little label that enables me to choose more freely the way i will move through the world.

but i wonder, am i growing slowly into a mutant version of myself? the longer i stay with my family, the less and less i feel like my real self. i am more invested in reacting and protecting and keeping myself safe. where is the fucking spontanaity? where is my creativity? it is no fair that young white women should have all of the fun...oooohh...

i want painted doors and handmade things. i want to throw pottery and take a few lovers. i want glitter in my bathtub and my sweet kitty to purr me to sleep. i want a garden that is tended by someone else. i want big wildflowers from the market as secret surprises on my doorstep and if not that, i at least want a sweet apartment that surprises me with serenity and comfort when i arrive. i want to bathe in nag champa smoke and listen to erykah's first cd on repeat. i want yoga at 6 am and sisterfriends to dance with until the club closes. i want warm days without choas and a cohesive family unit. i want full nights of sleep and views of some water and some woods.

"this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"
-ani difranco

who thought that in my mid-twenties i would be here?

(oh shit L'Erin. get over it. the grass is not always greener. what happened to 'bloom where you're planted'? what happened to 'be here now'? you can create what you want here until it's time to go. you can create the beautiful life that you dream of right here and right now. you've got a job you love. you're moving into an incredible apartment on the first. the rest is really up to you. use your resources. bloom where you're planted. soak in the sun. create the spaces you want to occupy. be a force of love and healing in your family and take care of yourself at the same time. this life is yours for the taking. live! live! live! and stop complaining. talk to the cutie with the tats. exchage digits. go on a date. or read a book and build a website. or plan your trip or love on yourself or make a date with amanda. call someone back for christ's sake. there is no time for such navel gazing. ridiculous i say! you are the only change agent in your life. get to movin'! this insomnia is for the birds. you must sleep. eat. pray. nurture yourself. you are too big for this nonsense. get out and get something. be something more than your thoughts. life is too precious for this use of your energy. become all that you are. manifest your life into love. bloom. grow. change. become. and let the rest go.)

love,

me

posted by Phoenix @ 3:23 AM