inspiration
i am inspired. this afternoon/evening after a relatively productive day at work, i called summer m., grumpy with unfulfilled reluctance. as usual, she listened and offered support and while grateful, i was thoroughly enjoying being grumpy. after a wonderful chiropractic adjustment, i was less grumpy, but still down in the dumpy and considering skipping my documentary filmmaking class for yoga, a nap or perhaps just more sulking.it wasn't until i got to the seattle film institute, parked my car and took a deep breath that i decided to go in to class. it snapped in to place the that my vision is greater than my depression. instead of rolling around in the heady discomfort that had sometimes clouded my eyes, i chose to follow the light of my vision. how liberating!
thanks and love to the goddess!!!
years ago, i had developed this habit of shutting down, hiding under blankets, turning off my phone and not returning phone calls (okay, so what my phone is still always on silent. whatever. don't digress.). i learned to shut down and shut out until i felt safe enough to come back outside. but tides have turned. i am living from my wholeness instead of from a belief in lack. and it feels good.
but what i've come to realize is this shift doesn't mean the depression goes away. althogh the dips are fewer and farther between, i'm no longer attached to the idea of an immaculate emotional landscape. instead, i'm learning to let it take up whatever space it needs to occupy. i don't need to explore or grieve it. i can just let it be where it is. like a sweet, but smelly, stranger sitting next to me on the bus. sooner or later, she'll simply get up and leave.
in the meantime, i have strengthened my connection to my vision. ahhhhhh, yes. sweet smiles are inspired by the mere thought of such things manifesting. :) and finally, today, on the heels on the revelations of yesterday (and yesterday's yesterday), i have surrendered to the luminescence of my vision and let go of sadness' seduction.
after this strong realization, i went in to class, paid attention, asked a lot of questions and learned a lot. my vision won and it feels good.
i am all that i am. i am good and there is absolutely nothing i can do to change that.
this is the sweetest knowing ever.
thanks goddess! and so it is.
always,
me
posted by Phoenix @ 12:18 AM
5 Comments:
first, thanx for the shout out even though i've yet to update my blog. (will i ever?)
second, i really needed to read this right now. 5 in the morning, and i'm currently beating myself up for wasting time and a host of other things you know of too well. then, i read this joint and realize (again) that i gotta keep pushing, grinding; that this is just a moment, not who i am.
just a slightly self-centered way of saying thanx for putting this up. takes a lot of courage to offer real talk. but by doing so i'm sure you've not only helped (and loved, respected, etc.) yourself, but allowed others to do the same.
word up.
sm.
(told you i still read.)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
You are inspiration. I send you lots of love and peaceful energy. May you always be in touch with your vision.
so great to hear about your plans for next year! i will be somewhere in latin america, but can be tempted to parts unknown rather easily. i have a wedding in jamaica in feb, and a client meeting in march somewhere on the east coast. other than that...i'm packed! let me know how and where you are.
Namaste,
Funchilde
l'
this is so wonderful to read and made me smile BIG time. thaank you for having a dream/vision and having to courage to follow it through it all. this inspires me today to keep it moving and climb out of the dumpy dump--it ain't always easy but i'm proud to see you on the move. sending a head nod, big smile, and hug to a beautiful woman. truly!!!!!!
india
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