JuicyLoveMagic

earthday 2005

so, today is my day--in 3 hours, i will have been on this here urf for 26 years. and it's a good thing too. i wanted to wake up this morning to strawberries and cream breakfast in bed. instead i woke up on my parent's couch hungry. my mom wants me to go to church with her and my grandmother but i went last week at their request and i really don't want to go today. i don't enjoy dressing up for the negros of mt. zion baptist church. but i know it would mean a lot to my grams. at the same time i want to be very self-focused to today since today is my damn day anyway!!

i really don't want to help anyone get ready. i want to be pampered and taken care of. but i guess i could reach out my own self-gratifying honeypot and help the fam. it's so damn slick around here, like if i accidentally spend the night (a la last night) or stay a little longer than i anticipated, i get caught up being a third pilar holding up the house. this is not my idea of a good time. and i kinda resent the expectation that my time is free simply because it's requested that it be so. grrrr....

am i being selfish? probably so. but there is some cyclic expectation here that once it's met, never gets satisfied--there's always another guilt-laced favor to ask for, something else to do, another gap to fill-in. i don't like, want or need to be part of that expectation. it's a g.damn heavy burden and i just want to be relationships and have people take responsiblility for themselves. co-dependency is for the mother-friccken birds. i want love-based relationships where we're taking resposibility for ourselves and are open to complimenting and connecting in the process. that's where true strength comes from.

and i'm not saying that we won't or don't need things from people, but to expect others to do what we "need" done just so we can play or whatever, is not really a healthy expectation. and i feel like i've been inside of it for quite a while. guilt is a killer around here man. and it is frequently used to get things done.

i just really want to enjoy my birthday, instead i feel like it's overshadowed by mother's day and my mother's want for assistance. we'll see how it works out. i'm sure i can use my agency some way and enjoy it all.

peace out.

posted by Phoenix @ 7:27 AM