creating facts
i am unfolding. spilling sloppily from the top of an icy cold glass. there is a process here of manually focusing and refocusing my mind on the prize. my beautiful, expansive mind enjoys entertaining all of the options, fantasizing about what might happen if...and so i spiral off into day dreams of what could be. there is a frustration here because i know that conformity is waiting with baited breath for me to step in line. there are many signing bonuses. a multi-million dollar prize to be redeemed in group validation and communal acceptance. and while it is tempting, i know that this is not the reality i crave. there are more jewels beneath this surface. there is a lot of light glimmering and i will not go after the electric star.i remember t's mantra ("stay focused") in times like this. i have to trust that it's okay to do what i need to do in order to go where i want to go. there are parts of me that are jealous for the perceived lifestyle of associations and memberships. of crawling/walking/sliding up some ladder towards something that is perhaps useful. sometimes i want to step in line and use the lingo and shake the right hands posing for pictures to be flashed when accomplishments are rattled off. part of me understand the importance of lakeside connections, spelman ass kissings and strategic contrived relationships.
other parts of me could never give a rat's ass if i ever have group approval. as long as i've got my passport, a fresh mind and enough fundage for the next visa, i'll figure out the rest as i go along. as long as i can dance, connect, learn, share, worship, grow, heal and be healed, i don't care about anything else...i have such a strong feeling of rebellion, of bucking against the bite. i am not interested in being tamed and yet i wonder if that's the way to go...
how have the wild survived?
i do not want to be vainly refined/palatable/dignified. i will collect my pieces, gluing myself back together. i am whole, outrageous and powerfully bold. i will remember how to move from that place. i will live my full self back to breath. audre says, "speak you mind, even if your voice shakes." sarah trusts me for support and wisdom in these hard, hard days of hers. i know that i am here somewhere. i exist outside of this box, beyond these stifling limitations. i believe in beauty enough to hold the light in my heart and stay focused on it's dream.
what do i do with the rebel? with the child inside who wants to run rampant and express and scream and destroy and rebuild? where does she go? where can she be free?
"today is the day. the moment is now. take the risk of living."
love,
me
posted by Phoenix @ 8:29 AM
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