i'm going to bed. yes. it's incredibly early but i haven't been sleeping well, so i'm just going to bed now.
tonight i told my dad about my new book and why it was so important to me. of course he understood how i don't want to adopt the verbal violence so frequently perpetuated by my mother and sister. he understood how i had continued those cycles in romantic relationships and asked me how i would know to get out of them if they ever got abusive again. he wanted to know when i would leave and what it would take for me for me to not even be attracted to them in the first place.today on my favorite show ever, iyanla vanzant said, "when your partner is acting out, treat them like you would like to be treated when you're in pain...remember that your partner is not your parent. that's why it's so important to heal the stuff that you have with your parents first. otherwise, you'll just continue to act out old relationships until they are finally healed."
then i talked to ex. it was our third conversation in three days. that's how it had always been in the beginning. sweet. no pressure. respectful. nice. amicable. the niceness tempted me into believing that real growth had occurred. that i couldn't really turn my back and walk away. neither of us wants anything from the other...or i know i don't, and that's the word i'm getting on the other end. but it's always unresolved with us. something else to say, another problem to solve. sweet words to salve until the next verbal puncture. i think it's sad that i prepare in anticipation of abuse...it's like there's another part of me laying in wait for the slaying. something i was willing to sacrifice for the bigger picture. and i see and feel how it impacts me. instantly.
(why do i love those who (have) hurt me so deep?)
and of course it's over. maybe that's my discipline, to love through the tempation to make everything 'right'. it's not a healthy relationship. there are parts of it that are sound and loving and supportive. but the core is pretty rotten and unhealthy. imbalanced and not good for me.
so i'm going to sleep. unresolved and learning to be comfortable without a resolution. maybe i'll sleep silently and comfortably through the night. maybe i'll dream of new ways to love and be loved. maybe i'll see the silver lining and give thanks for all the angels anyway. maybe i'll just dream myself into a new tomorrow with the strength of a recovered and holy warrior.
always love,
me
*my favorite new quote* (thanks summer)
The one who makes the idols never worships them,
however tenderly he might have molded the clay.
You cannot have knowledge and worship at the same time.
Mystery is the essence of divinity.
Gods must keep their distances from men.
p.s. teresa, that title was for you...
posted by Phoenix @ 8:49 PM
5 Comments:
Hi,
I'm really sleepy, too, and need to get up early in the morning, but something urged me to click on the "next blog" button after I reviewed my own post.
I'm very touched by your search to heal patterns that cause you pain.
Virtually all of us have patterns we get trapped in. Some make our lives absolute hell.
A remarkable process that works to break those patterns is The Hoffman Quadrinity Process.
I went through it and highly recommend it.
A one week intensive, it wasn't cheap when I went through it in 1994, but they offer a few scholarships - or did when I attended.
I wish I could convey to you how profound the experience was and how, ultimately, freeing. It was worth every penny. If it didn't save my life, going through the process certainly helped bring me through some very difficult times.
If you have any questions about my experience, I'd be happy to answer them.
For now be strong, warrior, and God bless you.
Clyo
Prayerforce.Org
P.S. In case you're wondering, I'm not affiliated with the Hoffman Institute or Process in any way. I just went through it.
I went to sleep early last night too. I layed down at 7:30 listening to classical music and reading Joe Turner's Come and Gone. Seen it before but never read it. Moving to say the least. That man wrote wisdom.
Anyway who is that quote that summer gave you by?
love, me
omg. i had to go to nonviolent communication training last year with this couple who kept talking about that marshall guy like he was a god. it was weird!
l'
i'm pretty sure i don't agree with that quote. i think we make and worship idols all the time; we *know* things/people/talents can't be made to serve us, yet we still think they will serve us - and get sorely disappointed and even angry when they don't.
i've been told i'm an intelligent, fiercely God-loving woman - and yet i manage to make idols out of just about everything in my life and believe their power is and should be greater than they are *sigh*. to be honest, part of my journey to korea is to put distance between my idols and me - so that i may see and treasure them in an honest way.
because i long for and thrive in relationships, some have also been the primary idols in my life - particularly with my parents (who are just as f'd-up as i am) and the man i love (who also is just as f'd-up as i am.)
so, i've got two weeks left... let's talk - at least via phone while it's free, yes? you've got my number. keep posting...
suj'n
@jalylah: not that you asked me, but... the quote is from znh's autobiography, dust tracks on a road. end of chapter 6.
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