JuicyLoveMagic

lesson 1

my mum used to always say, "you can't be right and in relationship." meaning the willingness to be "right" often blocks out any kind of authentic exchange or learning. i'm only on page 12 of my new book but i had the best 'click' moment this morning. it was: "i can't be right and in relationship". how this has showed up for me so frequently in the past has been an unwillingness to be open and/or receptive to listening to the feelings and words beneath the surface of someone i felt was being emotionally or verbally abusive. i made a choice early on that in order to save myself, i needed to be 'right/victim/abused' and they needed to be 'wrong/abuser~victim'.

yes, part of what kept me in several shitty relationships was an unhealthy level of compassion that enabled me to hear the victimhood in their stories--"my father was an abusive alcoholic. i watched him die on the bathroom floor from a heart attack when i was 16," and "neither of my parents wanted me. as a result, i was raised as a transient child between the houses of other family members." there was some self-love fuse that instantly shorted upon hearing the abusive stories of those i was dating, enabling me to be mother/healer/hand-holder/cycle continuer. i felt bad leaving them alone. i felt like they needed me to help them get better. but of course they didn't. i was an enabler just like they were enabling me to stay in the same cycle addictive cycle...

so i guess what i said in the first paragraph isn't completely accurate. but i'm leaving it there because i'm not quite sure what is. i do know that when it comes down to conflict i want healthy conflict. i want relationships where it is safe to work through issues without abuse, manipulation and lies. and so most of the questions are unanswered. they're just bumping around in my head, opening up into enlightenment slowlyslowly...i think part of why it's not completely accurate is because while i was wanting myself to be 'right,' i was also believing them to be...or something like that...

but there is some power in believing oneself to be 'right'. in being unable, or unwilling to let my guard down. of course it is false power. it is the illusion of true empowerment and it creates a skewed image of taking care of myself and my needs. but it didn't do such a thing, i know. why did i stay in those power struggles? why did i continue dancing in f*cked up relationships when my ass was getting cut?

i was looking for power outside of myself. i was too afraid of embracing my own power, of standing on my own two feet. i wanted someone else to be a crutch, to kinda hold me tall. and who could have done that? not a strong person. not someone grounded in their own divinity or their own power. crutches are broken pieces of wood, kinda glued and bolted together. they support the idea of incompleteness and the illusion of co-dependency.

i was afraid that if i wasn't 'right,' then someone else would be and i would loose my sense of power. i guess i felt powerful when i felt "right". like i won a prize from being abused because that would make it so obvious that i was right and "they" were wrong. if i slowed down enough to really hear what i was saying, to really listen to my own cry for power, then i could just walk away and figure out how to accept myself as powerful. and so that's where i am now. parts of me are consciously compotent, justing loving and being in my own power without thinking or looking twice about it. other parts of me are unconsciously incompotent, without a clue about how i'm disrespecting and disempowering myself...

but i am learning, i am moving up on the scale. i am figuring this out. learning how to get back inside my own selfbody. i am continuing to know, love and accept myself as my own beloved. everything i need i carry with me. there are no crutches needed. i am powerful in my own right.

lesson one...

love,

me

posted by Phoenix @ 8:46 AM