JuicyLoveMagic

my new book.

the thought of it brings knots to my stomach. last night she said, "yes. i know i was abusive." and the relief that i had anticipated did not come. and that's okay because i really didn't need it. i had already confessed to forgiveness, which is good and healthy and whole. and i refuse to hold on to the pain of the abuse because it really isn't the point. what i'm more interested in and concerned about is shifting myself into a whole new track.

there were never physical scars. not from her or my mum or liann or the others whose words were violent and abusive. and having returned home, i'm beginning to understand why i've attracted and maintained the same explosive communication and conflict resolution cycle. my mother, god~dess bless her immaculate and beautiful soul, deals with conflict, stress, frustration, disappointment and discomfort in incredibly verbally violent ways. my sister's rage ran the house for most of my childhood. i didn't even know how to acknowledge or express anger until my early twenties (and mind you, that wasn't a very cute picture at all--often times it mirrored the only way i had seen it expressed: rage and explosive anger).

faith hill said she knew her hubby, tim mcgraw, was "the one" because he felt like home. and while a lot of my home feels like sweetlovin' and goodness, when it comes to conflict, conflict resolution and the previously mentioned stressers, "home" get mightymighty uncute. so that's why i dated folk who too felt like home, except it wasn't a healthy place to be. and while i don't see myself operating in those abusive ways, i know that:
1) my mother and i are too similar not to be mindful of how i am inside of conflict.
2) it's a cycle/relationship that requires an abused and an abuser. i refuse to continue being either. i know that there are other ways of being in relationship and being in conflict. i'm not quite sure what that looks like, but i am determined to live my way into the answer.

so this book here was recommended to me and i'm a little nervous about it. but i know that i've got to develop new skills otherwise i'll just reference what i know, what i've seen and experienced. so i'm looking forward to the process. i told her about it too. i pray that she reads it, but her choices have nothing to do with my new path.

i don't really know how to explain it, and part of me wants to soften my words by saying, 'it's not as bad as it sounds'. and maybe it is, maybe it's not. either way, gauging my experience isn't relevant. what's real for me is transforming old, useless patterns into healthy habits and ways of being in relationship. with myself, in my family, in my community and the world. i mean really, how relevant is it if i can heal the world but don't know how to be in healthy conflict my sister or my mama or my partner when i'm pissed. not much at all.

like i say, we attract where we are. and apparently i wasn't in the healthiest place. but i'm making moves in the right direction. thanks god~dess. and so it is.

lovelights,

l'

posted by Phoenix @ 8:22 PM