JuicyLoveMagic

QuestLove

i wonder what it's like to be in love without a whole buncha shit attached to it. one of my girls is in some deep, open loveness, and while time and space haven't allowed us to have a deep convo in a couple of months, i trust that it's a rich experience of exploration and celebration for everyone involved. i wonder what it's like to love without the tin can ghosts of past relationships clanking behind every step. i wonder what it's like to step into a compassionate, gentle relationship with Love, one that brings joy and excitement with it's fulfillment.

for yearsandyears, the thought of romantic love just equaled the prospect of pain. (please note that this yearsandyears time spanned a few (painful) relationships). love's 'get out of jail free' card went straight to hurt. and so i wonder still, what it would be like to have an unsoiled, freshly clean slate of understanding for the possibilities of love...what would it be like to trust Love enough to be selective in the process instead of shooting myself in the foot before i was even out of the gate?

what would it look like to connect the dots and follow my heart's calling? what would it entail to only date folk who were worthy of journeying with? different layers of myself have worked into an incredibly cyclic process of hamster wheeling the same relationship over and over again and i just want a beginner's mind. a clean slate. the idea of the possibility of true fulfillment.

this is not about snow white/cinderalla/sleeping beauty/pretty woman fantasies. but about creating experiencing real, organic love. what would it take not to feel victimized before anything has even started? is this my black girl plight? is it about being from a city where brownbrown girls felt incredibly undervalued, particularly in the face of brown boys who had an array of honies to choose from? is it about childhood drama or tv trauma?

what would it take for me to trust love again? and how can i transform myself in the process?

and mind you, i am not urgent. this i not a cry for help or dates or internet chat rooms. the perfect royalty could show up tomorrow in shining armor and i wouldn't even be able to recognize the truth for fear of being blinded by the bling. and of course i want love fulfilled and soulmate(s) and free love in the most true form. of course i want reciprocity and equality and kumbaya. of course i want romance and openness and vulnerability. the question is how do i respect the process enough to just trust it...i guess that's the process in itself...

always love,

me

posted by Phoenix @ 12:26 AM