JuicyLoveMagic

into me see

oh a lot, a lot has been happening since the last time i blogged. but first, thanks to all the folks who have read my words and were able to get something juicy from them. thanks for leaving me notes. it does help to know that i've got company on the road. thank u so much.

i've been exhausted a lot lately and it's probably due to the fact that i haven't been eating well, and sometimes not at all. this isn't really on purpose, but i have a little appetite and no desire to really eat anything except paggalicci's pizza and fruit smoothies made with tofu. some fruit and other items if they involve melted cheese and bread combos. and so i feel like i'm bouncing inside myself--sometimes there's a hovering sensation or the sense that part of me has left my body for other adventurous lands.

and i'm always thinking, analyzing, processing, thinking...this of course isn't new but it's becoming a little distracting. there has been some sadness, but not the all-consuming, temporarily debilitating kind that i've experienced on and off for the last six years. (when i finally realized that i had developed a long-term, fully-committed relationship with depression, i decided that it was okay to break up. so i did.) instead, i've been experiencing a muffled murmur of matrixhood, something insinuating that i've increased my level of engagement in the illusion. and i want to be radical in my skin again.

so i've been trying to figure out where this sadness was coming from. what was i looking for and not receiving/creating? what was i craving? after a few freak outs, several brainracking sessions and an extended period where i avoided making and receiving phone calls (i'm still in that period), i realized that i've been craving INTIMACY. yes. Intimacy. (INTO-ME-SEE). i began making a list of folks to call and write and reconnect with. dates to be had on the phone and in person. adventures to create. i began missing my various communities in atlanta. the parties, the clubs, the love and the folks. i missed my friends whose hands held me through the most challenging times. i missed my lovers that didn't know how to handle me and those whose love so immense that i ran away screaming. i yearned to be seen and heard and acknowledged. i wanted to validate and be validated. i wanted to know that someone 'got' me and i was still just fine. and yet i didn't reach out. i didn't initiate or return phone calls. i stayed frozen, paralyzed by my yearning for emotional intimacy and petrified that it would or would not manifest.

i've been called a extroverted isolationist once or twice in my day. and yeah, i might be to some extent. i love spending time with myself, and i've been doing a lot of that lately. but where's the emotional intimacy? where's my willingness to reach out, connect, create new relationships and sustain the older ones? i know relationships need regular maintainance and well...i ain't been up on my duty. it's a little scary yet. why? cuz i feel disconnected from my folks and if i feel disconnected from them, you damn sho nuf bet i'm feeling disconnected from myself. and so this all of this brings me back to the point: i'm seeking from other people what i'm not giving myself...

that's where i am right now. i'm also a little distracted my "half and half" and i'm highly anticipating "medium". of course they're not the top tier priority, cuz i've got revisions to complete.

always love,

me

posted by Phoenix @ 9:28 PM