JuicyLoveMagic

Open letter to an ex-boyfriend

There is an anger there. Something I didn’t even know existed before. There are dormant shakes inside and I want to scream. What have I created? Why is there so much animosity? I have built myself into wooden stories, boxing myself into cycles where tolerance flickers dimly in corners.

Who thought there would be this much hate? Ever?

You say there is no anger but I know otherwise real truths. Yes. I have thrashed your heart with wild abandon. But I am over that now. (as a I always was.) maybe that’s why you’re still angry. I have always been a heartbreaker, it’s true. Never ever fully loving you or disclosing my whole self.

You used to be so nice. And while Jah says that’s a throwaway word, I trusted it to be your true self. Too much has grown through the clearing and I am back at the door of the wardrobe trying to escape into Narnia.

I didn’t know I was holding on to you too. On to the acceptance into worlds that I once lived. Yes. I could have been one of those folks. The one with club memberships, secret handshakes and cocktail hour laughter. We might have even been friends after all was said and done. But you know that it hasn’t worked out that way. I don’t even want your presence in my mind anymore. I have no use for our memories. These exchanges, like fog horned boats passing in the night, mean nothing else to me but hatred disguised as the niceness that you hide behind.

Oh, that word. Yes. It’s too strong to be used in casual conversation or to hide in the thoughts that once graced my mind. But it comes up, time and again and I just want to escape into a sanctuary where you don’t exist. Most of the months, I’m able to do that because you’re not real to me. But then moments like this arise and I wonder where your demon has been hiding all these years.

I hate feeling this way. Please be clear that I don’t want to be with/around/near you. I don’t want to breathe the same air that you inhale. I don’t want conversations laced with any thought of your existence.

And so I let go. Truly. Although community myths tell otherwise, I hold no energy for you. Actually, that is a lie. In the light of our most recent conversations, I do grit my teeth with anger and (non)hate when I think of you. You do not know me. I am not the airyfairy, discombobulated, wild/wierdchild you think I am. How the fuck do you think you can talk to me that way? Sadly, after all these years, you still cannot see me. No. The well of compassion has dried and we are both dehydrated.

I’m sure my mother will still ask you for favors when I’m not around. And you in your niceness will comply. But I no longer breathe in thoughts of your grandeur. Rest assured, last night was the last time I will ever say, “XXX is still one of my most favorite people on the face of the earth. Regardless of what has happened, he is still an incredible human being.” I now see that you’re actually operating as an arrogant, pompous, condescending human evolving into something greater.

And yes, sometimes I am jealous of you. Because sometimes I just want to belong and punch the right holes and laugh while wearing ironed clothes and think I’m the shit. Yes, sometimes, I want to believe that muting my dream and deferring my passion is the only way to gain social acceptance. You’re right. But even in my most dark of moments, I’m willing to risk being complicated, multi-faceted and challenging, just so I don’t have to compromise the unlimited possibilities that are looming on the horizon.

Oh, yes. I am being judgmental and mean-spirited. I acknowledge this and ask for forgiveness. I also defend myself in violently animated protest of the caricature that has been created in my name. sothefuckwhat? You do not know not me. Your place in my heart has been removed and released into the great beyond. There is no compromise here. No middle ground to speak of. I do not understand black and white worlds. I live in color. In radiant shine and glitter stories. I believe in brainstorming win-win situations. I do not use words to vaguely say what I do not know how to articulate. I ask questions when I want answers. I say what I mean. I live into the now and look for ways to create magic.

Where did you go? Is this robotic world really that interesting? Do you really hate me that much?

Well, blessings on the journey. I will still pray for y/our deliverance.

Always,

L’

posted by Phoenix @ 12:16 PM