seek higher still.
this morning my moms tried to teach me about discretion. she wanted me to know the value of choosing one's battles, of strategically holding back and placing only relevant cards on the table. she wanted me to understand what it means to sustain bridges, even if they are not currently being used.i've never been good at witholding, but i understood her lessons and her longing for me to remain on good terms with everyone. i am grateful for someone who looks out for me when i am in the process of burning and being reborn. yes. it is no cosmic twist of fate that my totem is the Phoenix. i am the bird who ascends into higher heights only to burn by the brightness of the sun and be reborn into more and more wisdom.
i cannot promise perfection or great aim. i do not strategize my words, laying them silently on the road ahead of me for safe journeys. instead, i have decided to live pieces of myself fully disclosed and naked praying that they sustain me for at least this one, simple step. i have hidden a microphone under the guise of my subconscious' perception, recording what happens when the mask falls down.
i am in this process of learning, unlearning, surrendering and letting go. i do not promise congruence, delicacy or discretion. i do not always promise consistency or softness. i am simply committed to honestly confessing my experience in this exact and particular moment.
this is not a pretty, painless process for anyone involved. sometimes i wonder, who i have burned as i am going down in flames? who has watched me from the sidelines with wonder, secretly entranced by the transformative self-destruction? there will come a time when i have learned to dance with the wildfire, when i am comfortable acknowledging and releasing my attachment to the entire process of birth, death and rebirth. i have learned only slices of this movement. the rest remains encoded, to be translated by my lived experience.
no. the space between us does not hold room for these conversations. there is no ground beneath our feet to lay out our most real truths. i breathe out the jeweled embryo of our potential conversations, ignating flames that burn me into only higher heights.
(i do wish our carbon-dioxide sustained true openness. but it does not. as a result, i have chosen to compost that dream and fertilize more productive creations.)
yes, it is knowledge. but knowledge does not mean it is the truth. knowledge only means it is what you know.
-don miguel ruiz
beneath the rubble, this story truly isn't about you. it is what i have chosen to know about my own lived experience. i am simply the storyteller, sharing my mind's patched-together truths. as all things, it will grow into reality of another translation, becoming the new (albeit temporary) language through which i will talk about my life.
this morning, i swallowed the food of my mother's words, searching to taste the nutrition that could take me forward on the road of dis/re~covery. one day i will beautifully balance truthful confession and delicate diplomacy. i will be a master of authentic disclosure and intimate connection. in the meantime, i will continue to do the very best i can with the tools that i have.
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history
Beneath unknown bones
Beneath the bedrock of the mystery
Beneath the sewage systems and the PATH train
Beneath the cobblestones and the water mains
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals
Beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels
Beneath everything I can think of to think about
Beneath it all, beneath all get out
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel
There's a fire just waiting for fuel
-ani difranco
always love,
l'
posted by Phoenix @ 7:29 PM
2 Comments:
good writing.
love,
me
you rock.
in a sense, i see you describing life as a chess match. most folks, a lot of folks, wanna play by the rules, and develop and stay true to certain strategies, while you could give a kcuf if the bishop is only supposed to move diagonally. you wanna move him laterally, horizontally. considering different encounters and situations that can't always be imagined within the parameters of the game. this surprises and disconcerts many, not simply because you're not following the rules, but also because you have the courage to think of the infinite possibilities (which would make for a great album title, but i digress) of allowing each piece to inhabit every square, not really caring about wons and losses, but: what have i learned? how have i grown? how have i been fulfilled? and, since that requires a helluva lot of courage that most of us don't have, us folk who don't wanna go there can only find solace in saying to you, "you can't do that; it's against the rules."
or, something.
but, um, on the real i'm no good at chess. so maybe not.
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