jesus.
i want to be committed. not to a noble cause or worthy goal. not to making something happen or changing the world. (that will come in time.) right now i want to be carried away and placed in a room/garden/temple/forest where i don't have anything to reckon with except me and god.i want silence. i want discipline. i want to collapse into nothingness and sit with the discomfort that it brings. i am sure the sun will rise if i do nothing. i'm sure setting will not be a problem either.
but i'm struggling. everyday i feel like i'm fighting to hold the pieces together. i'm fighting to keep my head on. (who knows what will happen if it floats away? what could happen if i stopped trying to make any of it make sense?) i think i would go crazy. i would become another slightly rockerless mumbling person on the bus, dishevled and self-contained, perfectly okay with the world and my place in it but completely unaware of the world itself.
i am tired. not sleepy tired. more like i've been placed in the wrong time and space. my internal system does not compute any of this world. and that makes me tired. (please feel free to insert an erykah badu quote here.)
i am tired of being grounded, rooted, balanced. i'm sick of analyzing everyone and everything all of the time and trying to figure out how it all fits together. i want to coast too. i want to ride the motherfucking wave. i'm sick of people looking to me for stability or sanity because the truth is, i don't have any. it's not here. you've opened the wrong door. SURPRISE!!
i wish this was something that i could shake. something that i could make make sense. something that i could explain or medicate away. i guess i haven't reached that level of evolution because i have no motherfucking idea. (okay, that's a lie. i do have a clue, but i told you i'm struggling here...)
i often say i want to become a nun. buddhist is the preference. i don't think catholicsm and i would really jive. although i usually say this immediately after announcing that i'm going to retire from the dating world, the truth is, i would love that level of devotion and discipline in my life. i would love the simplicity of a life of commitment to the Divine. i need to unwind. to remember up from down. in from out. real from fantasy. i need something stronger and more loving than myself to hold me and let me fall apart.
i vaguely remember life before this wet blanket sadness danced constantly on the fringes of my mind. it didn't always used to be like this. my mind used to be a different place and it wasn't that long ago. but the truth is, i don't know what to do now. i don't want to carry this weight anymore. something has to change.
l'
posted by Phoenix @ 6:27 AM
1 Comments:
"Gypsies plan to go."
You've got it love. You really do. Be rooted in floating away. And be flexible in your disciplining. Sounds cuter and easier than it is. I know.
But I am happy that your trip is bringing your mind to you. Its a beautiful muddled thing.
All the love and light I can possibly give.
bettina
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