JuicyLoveMagic

the ties that bind/...let it go, let it go, let it go...

well, i've returned safely and soundly back to the beautiful pacific northwest. on the second leg of my flight home i sat next to two brothers whose sister and mother were sitting in the row ahead of us. i don't know if it's my ever-blooming intuition or my particular sensitivities to family/sibling dynamics, but one can learn a whole bunch about how things be going down by just sitting back and paying attention. i believe that parents can get so blocked by their own 'ish that they aren't able to see how it impacts their children, so we all just keep on repeating the same cycles over and over. communication gets jumbled and tumbled like tattered drawers in a dryer when we don't really listen or pay attention to what our children are saying.

it's like watching a car crash, everything is in slow motion and my head is just screaming, "stop!" but my mouth is too stunned to react. it makes me wonder, will baby boy will continue to seek protection, looking for sacred relationships in which he can play be a rescued victim? will big bro will keep jumping/smacking/yelling around, trying to get attention, validation, acknowledgement, but running too far in front of his thoughts for both his actions and his words to link up? will moms continue seeing what she wants to see, hearing what she wants to hear and keep investing in the protection of her youngest seed because she was never protected like she needed to be? or will sis will keep sectioning herself out, dissapearing from any potential madness to the extent that she erases herself completely, only showing up as a shell to hold the space in her lineage? i hope not. i pray that we'll all wake up and write ourselves into new models of family, community, love and connection.

...i wrote this initially on may 29th, and when i just reread it i realize how my own 'ish filters how i see the world. so interesting so, so very interesting.

my mum used to say, "we see what's behind our eyes" and i totally agree with her. whatever we've got going on inside is how we hear/see/process/feel and know the world.

last week on my favorite show ever (starting over), iyanla vanzant said, "what we hear is filtered through what we're listening to on the inside" . how true my dear, how true.

and one of my favorite quotes ever is, "the most important words we'll ever say are those we say to ourselves, about ourselves, when we're by ourselves." now that is dropping some real knowledge on the ones and twos.

one time, in my younger years, i kept calling a number that was continually busy. by the fifth time, i could have sworn that the recorded operator had gotten an attitudinal tone in her voice. and at the same i knew that it was the same damn recording that had been playing all those times before. i was just a little more frustrated and irritated than i had been on calls 1-4. i got it immediatly that sometimes, i hear through the filter of what's going on with me, having nothing to do with someone else's actual tone or attitude. that revelation gave a real knowing that i carry with me today.

what else am i carrying that colors my experience of the world?

love and hungry ponderings,

l.

posted by Phoenix @ 5:21 PM