JuicyLoveMagic

i beg what i love and i leave to forgive me

i understand that there is a responsibility, when someone gives you things, even if you don't want them. even if you can't use them at the time. there is still a responsibility to take care of them, to respect the gift and the giver enough to honor what's been shared. to hand them back gracefully and honestly in the spirit of love for the sake of all involved. and i failed to do that. i failed to love big enough to both name my truth and honor yours.

the shitty thing is, i know what it feels like on the other side. i know what it is to giveandgiveandgive to an unimpressed/disinterested receiver. and so i walked the path again, but this time i was holding the leash, bound by my own unwillingness to let down the guard, to risk vulnerability. i refused to honor the truth that i had reconciled with myself moonsandmoons past. i refused to know what i knew. and instead i held your gifts with both of my bruised and bloodied hands, waiting for the exact right moment to give them back, to throw them down, to walk away.

we have been here before. so this moment comes and goes with memories of how it could have been avoided. and i am grateful for the past. i choose to have it be exactly as it was. for the last year and seven months, for fights and reconciliations, for mirrors that i didn't want to see in my nana's house. and i know that you were simply reflecting me, reflecting parts of myself that didn't know how to speak, that wanted to love heartily and full. you were the secrets beneath my tongue that i could not verbalize. you were the wounded parts that just wanted some gotdammed thing to work, whatever it took to make it finally happen.

i commend your commitment to loving me. i honor your willingness to give it one more go. i submit to Spirit that it was not right. and i apologize for not sticking with it when we let go months before. in service this morning, the visiting rabbi said, "we become identified by our resentments, anger, pain and self-righteousness. it is essential that we recognize that we are not our personalities. we are not our pasts." he went on to say, "there's something you know of that you've been using to limit yourself, to close down the greatness of your being. what needs to be forgiven today?" and i knew it was me. it was time for me to forgive myself for all of the love and loss that happened under my own watch of me.

...then i found this wonderful message on a website for recovery and sobriety. and while i'm not addicted to a substance, i have been addicted to unhealthy relationships and in recovery from a thriceplus broken heart. it was the exact message that i needed.

i know i did not do this perfectly. i did not make an immaculate decision. but it is my prayer that we forgive ourselves and each other, translating this pain into purpose and blessings, surrendering into the divine order of it all.

love and light,

l'

posted by Phoenix @ 11:23 PM