i got issues...
but aparently not the ones i thought i did.
you see, i'm a gypsy, a traveller, a womyn who roots in the wind. and while it's in my blood and there's not quite anything i can do about it, sometimes i try to fool myself and stay in one place a little too long. and besides all of the wonderful gifts that traditionally come with travelling (new people, places, things, ideas and revelations), being out of the country and on new soil really gifts me with new sights and connections with myself.
see now, before i left the us, i was quite smitten with someone who pingponged me around with yes! yes! yessssses!!! and one final NO. i was teary, teary sad for many, many moons and requested several extensive and deeply processing conversations with a ton of my folks who held my hand for a longlong time. (thanx again people!) it was tough tiplease but i finally made it through the storm with closure and completion (and from time to time clarity).
fast forward a few weeks/months. the former recipient of my once smitten heart gets word that i'm moving to cali at the end of the summer. suddenly, i was the Soulmate, the one who had all the cards, the one who could get whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted. and while i was a little suspect, my tender heart wondered if it was still possible...could this one have really turned a corner? could something sweet and beautiful really be possible with this one here? (summer says, "we swim hardest when we're drowning"...)
at any rate, there's still ping ponging and what i realize now, more than ever, is the value and importance of a quote i discovered not too long ago. it reads, "choose your friends based on their character, not their personality". i guess this needs to be true for un/sweet lovers and partners too.
thank goddess for that quote.
it puts everything in perspective for me. personality: b-b+. character: d. sad to say, but true nonetheless. as a result, the door is closed. (officially this time). i'm ready for the goodness. the sweetness. the luscious, deliciousness of love. in other words, i'm combining the quotes of 2001 and 2002--
FUCK THE BULLSHIT, just love.
loveiscoming...(just repeat overandover, like "nas is coming"...) and it's already here. that's the best news ever.
blessings, light and love,
l'
walls of china
a few nights ago, i spent the night on the great wall of china. in the morning, i rose and hiked the wall for five hours in the blaxing sun. it was one of the most amaxing experiences of my life. it was also one of the most beautiful landscapes i've ever seen, second to the breathtaking turquoise sea between monaco and italy.
butterfly miracles
"i think, i think, i think, i'm thinking too much..." my 6th grade science class once sang these lyrics as we paraded boldly through our middle school hallways.
summer reminds me that my head is frequently too active with ambitious thoughts-- always wanting to go somewhere and do something busy.
i am hungry. a little restless. tired of buying and selling. i want to be in the woods. but i'm in smalltown china (read: big city) and i wouldn't know how to get to the wilderness on my own anyhow. but i guess i might as well try anyway. i'll keep you posted on how it turns out.
love and light and juicy fruit miracles.
me
p.s. during this same parade we also sung, "the universal truths are hidden from our eyes/a butterfly, a butterfly, i think i know"...and y'all wonder how i turned out as i did. a miracle i tell you. a goddess given miracle!
Spirit answers prayer
last night i prayed for devotion, for isolation, for a reminder of the sacred and the divine.
today i took my students on an adventure to a centuries old taoist temple carved into the top of a mountain overlooking a great, big body of beautiful green water.
each cave was hand carved by monks committed to making love visible. i want to sleep on cold stone temple floors, and press my ear so intently that i might hear the heartbeat of god.
the universe has also sent me a 98 year old sage disguised as a 15 year old girl named chai. big wisdom is this one here. she is also a reminder of the path. "thank you" is all i can secretly mumble between breaths in our million year old conversations. when she asked me if i was religous i said, "i am in love with the Divine. i am passionate about the sacred. i am hungry for the spirtiual wisdom that comes from folks from all over the world. i think religion is just one path that draws us closer to God. so, yes and no, i guess." and that is my most sacred truth. it is the light in even the darkest of moments.
the song my class sung for our eigth grade graduation was 'bridge over troubled water'. and while i found it to be incredibly corney at the time, the lyrics really resonate with me now. all i've got to say is, thank goddess for blogger. it can bring people together in the most mysterious and surprising ways. i'm sure that if it hadn't brought me to a cetain someone, over a year a year ago, i would probably be in a very different place than i am right now. so, thank you. you know who you are. thank you for everything. as corney as it sounds, you've been quite a b.o.t.w. and i greatly appreciate you.
okay. i'm going to stop spending time in this here cyber cafe and get out into the china sun.
have a beautiful day.
always,
l'
jesus.
i want to be committed. not to a noble cause or worthy goal. not to making something happen or changing the world. (that will come in time.) right now i want to be carried away and placed in a room/garden/temple/forest where i don't have anything to reckon with except me and god.
i want silence. i want discipline. i want to collapse into nothingness and sit with the discomfort that it brings. i am sure the sun will rise if i do nothing. i'm sure setting will not be a problem either.
but i'm struggling. everyday i feel like i'm fighting to hold the pieces together. i'm fighting to keep my head on. (who knows what will happen if it floats away? what could happen if i stopped trying to make any of it make sense?) i think i would go crazy. i would become another slightly rockerless mumbling person on the bus, dishevled and self-contained, perfectly okay with the world and my place in it but completely unaware of the world itself.
i am tired. not sleepy tired. more like i've been placed in the wrong time and space. my internal system does not compute any of this world. and that makes me tired. (please feel free to insert an erykah badu quote here.)
i am tired of being grounded, rooted, balanced. i'm sick of analyzing everyone and everything all of the time and trying to figure out how it all fits together. i want to coast too. i want to ride the motherfucking wave. i'm sick of people looking to me for stability or sanity because the truth is, i don't have any. it's not here. you've opened the wrong door. SURPRISE!!
i wish this was something that i could shake. something that i could make make sense. something that i could explain or medicate away. i guess i haven't reached that level of evolution because i have no motherfucking idea. (okay, that's a lie. i do have a clue, but i told you i'm struggling here...)
i often say i want to become a nun. buddhist is the preference. i don't think catholicsm and i would really jive. although i usually say this immediately after announcing that i'm going to retire from the dating world, the truth is, i would love that level of devotion and discipline in my life. i would love the simplicity of a life of commitment to the Divine. i need to unwind. to remember up from down. in from out. real from fantasy. i need something stronger and more loving than myself to hold me and let me fall apart.
i vaguely remember life before this wet blanket sadness danced constantly on the fringes of my mind. it didn't always used to be like this. my mind used to be a different place and it wasn't that long ago. but the truth is, i don't know what to do now. i don't want to carry this weight anymore. something has to change.
l'
china, all the way from new york
in fifteen hours i will be leaving on a jet plane for china with ten of my fantabulous students.
wow.
it still hasn't sunk in yet. there are many things whirling around and i am growing thicker on the gluttony of my own thoughts.
chinamichiganseattleatlantaseattleoaklandindiakenyaoaklandtheworld.
china/michigan/seattle/atlanta/seattle/oakland/india/kenya/oakland/theworld.
china michigan seattle atlanta seattle oakland india kenya oakland the world.
this is what the next year of my life looks like. there are some interesting proposals on the table and all i know right now is that i don't have to know or do anything. i can simply let time unfold the answers as it always does. i am no longer urgent or pressing to put the pieces together. i've already done my part. and now it's time to let the chips fall where they may.
it's funny how that can sometime work. (i hear joni mitchell playing in the background).
i'm tired. much too late of a night. and while i extended it into a late morning, i would still rather be in bed than blogging at work. (tsk.tsk. i know.)
anyway ladies and gents, i'll get at you upon my return.
have a beautiful summer.
always love,
me
there are proposa
and you say that you're okay
my mother used to always say that i would get so much more done if i could just cut back on the socializing. but my question is--if there isn't socializing, what is there? i like to see people, be in good company and warm groups where there is multilayered converation and sustained visibility.
i've been spending a lot of time alone lately (hey, i am planning a great move here) and while i generally don't miss the rich company of a whole bunch of people, i do enjoy people i enjoy and some sweetly hot snuggling would be nice sometimes.
but i guess my version of "a lot of time alone" doesn't translate into the same in other people's worlds. for example, yesterday i volunteered at an incredible production called "beneath" that was created, produced, directed and performed by the
queer people of color liberation project. i was so crunk upon their brillance and company that i lingered after the show and went the the cast and crew dinner party just to be around family.
the night before i went to my old school homegirl's fantatic onewoman show and then to the club/bar with a sweet friend. yep. i shut down the club (other friends had come in a little late and i wanted to catch up with them too) then made my merry way home.
i love folksy and good company and kindreds and i can't help but to know that it's going to continue expanding upon my arrival in the bay. brown skin. beautiful brown people who love (beautiful) brown people.
homegirl yesterday told me that it's been reported. seattle is the second whitest metropolitan city in the country. second next to portland, oregon. and i thought i was going crazy. no ma'am. it's just time to go.
and so i say i'm okay. and i am.
i'm also ready to get the hell out of dodge and blossom into my own adulthood on this here earth.
yep. it's true.
and so i am.
always.
l'
