times a changin'
i've been bothered by a lot of things lately, some of them triggered by the most recent vma's on mtv. i really can't go into it all right, (still working on that gosh for saken' piece), but my previous post and this one here should suffice in the meantime. please, oh please check it, check it out...
world on fire
we didn't start the fire...
(now playing)
Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe
Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I", and "The Catcher in the Rye"
Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye
CHORUS
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Josef Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc
Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, dacron
Dien Bien Phu and "Rock Around the Clock"
Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, "Peter Pan", Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Khrushchev
Princess Grace, "Peyton Place", trouble in the Suez
CHORUS
Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, "Bridge on the River Kwai"
Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkweather, homicide, children of thalidomide
Buddy Holly, "Ben-Hur", space monkey, Mafia
hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no go
U2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, "Psycho", Belgians in the Congo
CHORUS
Hemingway, Eichmann, "Stranger in a Strange Land"
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs Invasion
"Lawrence of Arabia", British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson
Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex
JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say
CHORUS
Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon, back again
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, terror on the airline
Ayatollolah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan
"Wheel of Fortune" , Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and Roller Cola Wars, I can't take it anymore
CHORUS
We didn't start the fire
But when we are gone
Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on...
_______________________________________________
i remember this video from the 90s and it's always stuck out in my mind as something really significant. a powerful statement to be made. but i think an even more significant statement is that i don't even know who or what most of these thing are...i'm feeling a little something right now, but think about it--all this shit has been going on in our world in the last 50+ years. that's a lot of madness i say. a lot a lot.
at any rate, there's a ton on my mind (as usual), and i think this song summarizes a lot, but still not enough of it.
hope all is well.
love,
me
shout outs to the universe...i know you're listening...
i need a good, sweet, rich heart-to-heart where minimal to no background references, "do you know what i mean?" questions and explanaions of my current state of mind are needed. if you think you can fill the bill, please call.
i also need a good job where i'm passionate to arrive every day, get paid big bucks to achieve my dreams, and smile coming and going. if you think you can help me fill the bill, please let me know.
i would also like good food to fill my stomach right now. if you can assist in making that happen...well, you know the deal.
oh yeah! one more thing, i want the new harry potter book. it's a dormant obsession that needs awakenin'...follow the above directions if you're intersted in being a supplier.
with visions of blackberry cobbler, ginger bubble bath and belizean scuba dives,
l' boogie
rebirth of magic/the good old days
there is an incessant mantra that whispers to me when my internal chatterbox has gone to sleep. it softly coos in my ear, "there is a magic here," and lulls me back to consciousness. it is in those moments that i remember what it was like to breathe full breaths and laugh with sparkles in my eyes.
i read through a three year-old journal yesterday and realized that i had written the same things then that i'm saying to myself now. "self approval is the only answer!" rang out clear and loud and strong on every page. my dreams are still the same. my heart is still as pure. my intentions are still as clear. and yet my actions...well, what are they really doing? they are, they are evolving and becoming they are.
i remember our sisterfire mantra, "respect the process" and how it all made so much sense then. energy man...what an alchemist it is...all those powerful women in one space, every third thursday until the breaka dawn like clockwork. we had no idea what we were gettin' into. we just knew we needed it. and magic was born, bred and nurtured. we were some vessels man! how i miss the old school sisterfire days. that is real magic there...if i could capture it in a bottle and sell it instead of crack, greed or fear, the world would be a much healthier, happier place, but i digress...
so much...so much to say...
l'
sisterlights along the path
i have just finished reading the most timely and wonderful book entitled,
"willow weep for me: a black woman's journey through depression" by
meri nana-ama danquah . i will soon share why this book was so important to me, but unfortunately, i don't have time to do so right now. in the meantime, i will say this much: as many books as there are about women and depression, most of them are about white women's experiences and frankly, those blues ain't like mine. so sister meri brings us this gift. it is the first (and only, to my knowledge) book written first hand about black women and depression. she is a young, vibrant sister and brilliant writer. she tells her experience like it is. no shucking. no jiving.
i would also like to say that if even the tiniest part of the title resonates with you, please oh please, pick it up and read it. give it as a gift to someone who you think might benefit from it. i guarantee you, if you think they might need it, they probably do and in the end, they'll be grateful. i checked it out from my local library and finished it in a day and a half. our stories are being told and i'm so grateful for her courageous truth. we've (black women, black people in general), have really got to come out of the closet about all kinds of things and functional mental illnesses are at the top of the list.
talk with you soon.
love and light,
l'
i am insatiable
dr. whatshisface on my favorite tv show says something about fathers and childhood absence and filling in blanks in adulthood with shit because the voids are still there. f*ck! i'm tired of censoring and stomach clenching and masquerading and wearing an invisible protective helment. esthero says we need a musical revolution but i know it has to be more than that. it has to be bigger. my soul needs a revolution (or is it the revolution?). sometimes i just want to pretend that everything is okay. that i'm fine and can't we all just get on with it?! and i really enjoy cursing like a sailor and distracting myself with infinite thoughts of other possibilities. i don't want to stick my toes it. what if it's wet? what if it disappears? what if i freeze? what if i never read the new harry potter or really swear off tabloid magazines and commit to a living foods diet and practice my ashtanga primary series every morning for an hour and a half like i want to? what if i really make books by hand and believe in my entire story enough to write it down and publish it?
i realized that the only way racism can be reversed is if you can internalize oppression because of it. if not, too bad, that's called prejudice.
what if i was the girl i used to be growing up, except i'm wiser and even more confident and i still didn't give a rat's ass about what other people thought? what if i believed rashad was my north star enough to let go of the pain and love myself again? what if i filled my own blanks with self-acceptance? what if...what if...what if i knew that i could breathe with all my lung capacity and that being nice to my mum wouldn't cause me to loose out on anything (including my autonomy, individuality and/or peace of mind). what if i could love you and still walk away without being regretful?
what if i just said "fuck the system!" and really meant it? what if i really learned how to use my singing voice for power and joy and love and empowerment and play the acoustic guitar in front of audiences? what if i really helped subvert the dominant paradigm? what if i disappeared? would anyone really miss me?
what if no one read this whole thing and i just wrote it to get it off my chest? what if i married myself and kaj came home and we lived happily ever after? what if i really was in love with all of my exes, even the ones who lied and cheated? what if they deserve love too? what if the rock in my heart is only weighing me down?
what if i really am all that i think i am? what if fear wasn't real? what if...what if orgasms were irrelevant? what if they were the most relevant thing on earth?
what if my soulmate loved me and expressed that love and i couldn't even see them because i was so consumed with my own naval gazing? what if my destiny is right in front of my eyes and i don't see it because i'm writing a list of 'what ifs'? what if?
for rashad
today marks the six anniversary of the day they found his body. i remember it like it was yesterday. i still miss him mighty, mighty deep. (there are some eternal things). this song reminds me that he is. and we are and forever will be. and for that, i give thanks.
BREATHS--Ancestor's Prayer (now playing)
Listen more often to things than to beings
Listen more often to things than to beings
Tis the ancestors' breath
When the fire's voice is heard
Tis the ancestors' breath
In the voice of the waters....
Those who have died have never never left
The dead are not under the earth
They are in the rustling trees
They are in the groaning woods
They are in the crying grass
They are in the moaning rocks
The dead are not under the earth
Those who have died have never never left
The dead have a pact with the living
They are in the woman's breast
They are in the wailing child
They are with us in the home
They are with us in this crowd
The dead have a pact with the living.
--Birago Diop as performed by
Sweet Honey in the Rock
i can dig it aka wise words david
as i was looking for a new home, i came across a craigslist posting where a man looking for a new roomie in his household wrote these wonderful words, "For all practical purposes I identity as gay, although that is increasingly becoming less and less central to my self-conception". and then i thought, "hmm...what is central to my own self-concept?"
i love how his statement was about his own way of seeing and conceiving himself, rather than how the world perceives him. i walk around in this body, with the choices i've made (and continue to make) about all kinds of things that people can label me, some of them visible--others, not so much...and most of those sticky, "hi, i am ________" titles don't really work for me anyway because they're not at all central to my own self picture.
granted, i used to be a proud card carrying many things...vegetarian, vegan, ally, neo black panther, taurus, enfp, spelmanite, seattlite, activist, feminist, cheerleader, christian, girlfriend, faciliator, women's studies major, african-american (in all of it's many-titled variations), liberal, earthy girl...yadayadayada...and while some of them are no longer accurate, how much of it was/is central to my own self-concept? and why? and who decided what all those words really meant? and do i agree?
there were some titles that i got labeled by association or by relationship or by politics although i wouldn't choose them myself and then there are others that are just inevitable and have their own baggage and weight to them...hmm...but if i could choose (which of course i can), what would i choose? who would i be? would i choose anything at all, or would i just be me and let all of the assumptions and labels and explanations and guesses fall on everyone else's shoulders as they're trying to "figure me out"--put me in a neat brown box marked, "_________".
cuz at the end of the day, the closest thing to my self concept is love...is Spirit trying to figure this whole human thing out...is a work in progress...is 'to be continued'...is evolving...is the celebration and embrace of fluidity of all kinds...is...is...is me standing on a street corner at 8 declaring, "i got that car" and dreaming big and loving hard and hoping for deliverance and always seeing the best in everybody...is me laughing at this spiral called life and being grateful for all of the bumps and redirections on the road...is me eternally asking more and more questions and knowing that there really aren't any answers.
and so the closest thing to my self-concept is only the acknowledgement that i am all that is. i am a slice of the pie. i am a blessed to be in a beautiful vessel but this here body, and those there experiences and this here thought process is not 'me,' they are just vehicles i'm using to move through this tangled and angelic world, to see a little bit more of how all these pieces fit together and tell a little bit more of the story.
thanks for listening.
light and joy,
l'
there's no place like home
my love
writes about making the most alive choices. my beloved sister iyabo reminds me that i am exactly where i am supposed to be and my most recent choices about location reflect that more than anything. although i misunderstood her, "you're just up the coast," for "just coast," both are absolutely correct words for what i need to hear right now. and i'm feeling blessed to be here. i'm feeling the ripening of my soul and i am growing more and more plump and juicy with each choice.
although i battled for a long time about putting my roots down somewhere i didn't want to be, what i've come to understand now is the importance of truly learning what i need to learn in order to be and do what i'm here for. and so here, in this beautiful city of my birth and rearing, my roots are gathering nourishment from the soil in order for my flower to truly blossom. i am not staying here for long term, but there are still vital nourishments in this here soil that i need to get before departing to greater and bigger lands. i see and accept that now. and for this i am so grateful.
there could be some complaining here about family responsibilities and such, but i've got to go attend to them, so i don't really have time to vent. maybe later. we'll see.
light and good grub,
l'
all is full of love (now playing)
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you
all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
--bjork
(sometimes...on a somewhat rare occassion, i wonder if i've made this last decision "right". and then i say to myself,
"self, what on earth else would you have done differently? it hadn't been working for a
mighty long minute, right?"
"right." i boldly and defiantly respond.
"then why would you have stayed around?" i question suspiciously, gleering one-eyed into my bruised heart's peephole.
"it felt good to be loved. i believed in the hope of something else happening... a different person emerging in both of us that would let our pieces match." i hope that something in this rationale makes sense to my questioning mind.
"but you two communicated like pitbulls in a cage. it wasn't a good match and you both were exactly who you were, right?"
"right."
"and that was never, ever going to change no matter how hard you rocked the boat, unless the boat decided to pick up itself and walk, right?"
"right."
"and when the lovin' was good, it was pretty ahite, but the rest was just bullshit, right?"
"right."
"and you deserve more than bullshit, even in the worst of times, right?"
"right."
"and you know that love is absolutely everywhere you look, even when your eyes are closed and your heart hurts and you don't want to pick up the phone and you don't even have a phone anymore and you're grouchy sometimes and very process-oriented and sometimes you just want to snuggle and not take care of anyone. you know, when you want to live spiritual evolution and international travel and the action of using capitalism for good and actively participating in stress-free relationships, and free love and theorizing what it means to be a spirit and figuring out, what happened to the revolution? but instead there was
always a perpetual conflict to be had/resolved/argued/screamed/defended...and even when it felt like a loveless hell, it was all really love working itself out for your growth?"
"huh?" i my head was spinning...
"well, you know that even in those moments when the world felt like it is swirlling around your head, and you just wanted to grab something that would make even the little bit of the picture make sense--all of it was love. it was some nourishment you needed to grow and learn and move on. you didn't have to stay and tolerate any bullshit in hopes of getting a pretty ending picture at the end. but everything that came to you was a gift. it was up to you to decide why it was coming and how much of it you needed before learning the lesson it had delievered."
"okaaay..." i say. the picture is coming a little bit together now...
"the end and the begining are now my love. don't hold your breath for the revolution. this is it honey. welcome to love. the choice you made was perfect because it was the only one to be made. there is no beloved outside of yourself. you are your own beloved. you are the one you've been waiting for. release your attachment to the idea of another. surrender it into the wind. fall into the joy of being alone with your grief. then let it all go and just breathe. the rest will come naturally.")
makin' moves in all directions
i am barely back from camping for the weekend in mt. rainier. and so this is only a whisper as it is still beautiful outside and i don't really want to be behind a computer for the remainder of the evening. but i must declare my allegiance to gratitude because this last week and a half of my life have been extremely amazing and beautiful. i'm sure more is to come, just know that the wheels are turning, and when i say that, i don't just mean in my head. i am in motion...no longer bound by inertia. and this my friends, is a very good thing. more info later.
lovelight,
l'
kindreds
there are secrets that i have learned over the weekend that have brought me to my true love. and i will not tell you them because the truth you already know. what i have come to share is more important than how i came to love my beloved. it is about how i came to know my tribe...
i am so in love with my cheryl. and she with me. this is just beautiful i tell you. there is nothing on earth like friendship that is true love and real visibility. i have been in love with many a friend in many a day for many, many moons and it has always served my heart, always brought me closer to home. and there is romance and sharing and kindred spirited gifts. there is sunshine and snuggles and lovecomplete. there are no jerry mcguire words about incompletion because we know that we were all born perfect, whole and complete.
our friendship is magic. it is acoustic guitars with her songs and beautiful acoustic singing voice. she is the white girl drawn to spleman for a semster, then school year who really never wanted to leave, but knew when it was time to go. i am her first friend on campus, wondering what on earth she was doing there, so grateful for her arrival. we are true soulmates and our love is ultimately divine.
and there is music i say, a continuous song that we create in moments too spontaneous and creative to ever repeat on blogs, but whose light and energy expands higher and wider and brighter.
although i violently protested it for yearsandyears,
jocelyn illuminated to me that i really am romantic. and i love the opening of my heart into fields of wildflowers. my kindreds offer me abundant oportunities express my love in the most romantic ways. and that is real goodness on a shtick, particularly if they're pretty romantic and sweet friends themselves. there are so many that i'm in love with...so very many that i don't even know how to be in or outside of this gratitude.
we're in victoria, canada. i am full and overflowing with love. i am sleepy and going to bed in soon time.
lovelight,
l'
p.s. doodoo, i know what you're going to say about my affinity for the ones, particularly c'est lui ici and w.b.d. aka okayplayer. yeahyeah...whutelse? :)
lightkisses on my soul
i have just returned from the most --
magical, healing, juicy, loving, cathartic, evolutionary, empowering, delightful weekend in the woods with 12 other womyn called to this path of facilitating transformation, healing and empowerment.
i cried, released, surrendered, confronted, worked through and forgave for four out of body/mind days in the woods.
i connected and reunited with new sisterfriends, burning away cobwebs on the path.
i have cleared the road between my head and my heart and i am taking up residence in the latter.
i am whole and integrated and always healing.
i am new.
i am a full woman.
i am.
love,
l'
p.s.
i am not ready to be electronically connected again, and one of my dearest sisterfriends is here visiting me from north cacalacky, but i pray all is well and wonderful with you. sending you abundant lightkisses. be with you soon...
daughters of the moon, sisters of the sun
in december of 2000, i gave my sister the most incredible book,
"daughters of the moon, sisters of the sun" as a christmas gift. yesterday i retrieved it from her bookshelf. it was still in tact, with the bookmark still sitting behind the first page, unopened. the bookmark read, "make the most of yourself. for that is all there is of you." -ralph waldo emerson
inside the front cover, i had inscribed:
"my dearest sister,
please embrace the journey.
fly free
love hard
live from the core of your own sacred truth
believe yourself first
laugh fully
love wisely
choose without fear
be true...
please enjoy this magnificent book as it takes you on a journey through many of your unanswered questions.
i love you.
know that i am always in your corner.
love and peace..."
it's remarkable how this winding journey rides. i delivered her that book about young women and mentors on the transition to womanhood long before SisterFire!, a B.A. in comparative women's studies, feminist theory and therapy, afrekete, michigan women's music festival and the march for women's lives. it was before fierce internships, bahati and beverly, naming the value in autonomous women's spaces--before big mama's roundtable and the revloution that would rock spelman's campus. and while i thought all those markers were the begining of this journey as a whole, radical, feminist, womyn, i realize that i have been building up to this space for most of my life.
oh this life. it is special and funny and a daring adventure. it is this little/gigantic/infinite whirlpool of energy that sustains and nourishes me. i love myself in all of my womynness and i love the feminine, the earth, the moon and water. i love tides and cycles and birth. i love the idea of love...although most who don't know me well will profess that i'm a (high) femme, most of my exes and some of my friends will tell you that i'm really a 17 year-old male football player, and neither perspectives of truth make me any less womyn.
of course as i'm professing my womynhood, if you know anything about me, you know that this has very little (if anything) to do with the stereotypes and boxes that are dished out in the name of feminitity and womanhood. i am not a flag waving something or other, invested in the traditional western idea of what it means to be a woman. nor am i interested in the colonized mind version from anywhere else in the world. i am talking about womynhood in the traditional sense of being ALL that i am, living in all that is...marching to the beat of my own drummer...loving and living freely and fiercely and boldly. being a womyn for me means embracing every last inch of my whole, entire self and cultivatingandcultivating myself to blossom. oh! this beauty that is me and you and her and him...it is (smile).
anywho, this is not at all what i meant to start talking about, but i guess i got a little distracted.
i'll write the rest later.
loving myself and the mighty I AM.
l' boogie down brown suga, i get high off your love don't know how to behave...
cheeze and bananas
this is what i look like in the kitchen at work balancing a big yellow bowl on my head when i'm supposed to be talking to children or something like that. i am laughing with curry (ain't she just the cutest!), my homie from back in the day who i used to babysit when she and her twin sister and older brother were just wee little tykes. now they're all grownt up and stuff, on their way to college...sniffle, sniffle...
this is how i like to spend my summer, if i'm not doing something else...
(i need a distraction... well, not really, but the idea sure is tempting. damn! damn! damn!!)
the unfinished peace
i wrote a beautiful, confessional, cathartic piece, posted it twice and removed it twice. i want to share it on my blog, but i'm concered about telling a story that involves another party without first getting her consent. and since we're no longer in communication or relationship, that probably ain't gonna happen.
this is a hard place for me, a glitch in the matrix so to speak. it really is
our collective business, and even if it's just my experience of the whole thing, i'm sure she wouldn't want me waving our laundry on the web. (sigh.) what to do, eh? for those of you who have already read it, thanks for your support and compassion. for those who haven't, thanks for your support and compassion.
i don't mind being the one who stands a little naked, if only to build the collective consciousness that is all our own experiences. but i don't want to enroll anyone else in that process, especially if they don't know about it. i'm sad because blogging is such a great place for me to process my thoughts and surrender them to the great unknown of readers out there.
i guess only time will tell what to do...
love and suga snap peas,
l'
i beg what i love and i leave to forgive me
i understand that there is a responsibility, when someone gives you things, even if you don't want them. even if you can't use them at the time. there is still a responsibility to take care of them, to respect the gift and the giver enough to honor what's been shared. to hand them back gracefully and honestly in the spirit of love for the sake of all involved. and i failed to do that. i failed to love big enough to both name my truth and honor yours.
the shitty thing is, i know what it feels like on the other side. i know what it is to giveandgiveandgive to an unimpressed/disinterested receiver. and so i walked the path again, but this time i was holding the leash, bound by my own unwillingness to let down the guard, to risk vulnerability. i refused to honor the truth that i had reconciled with myself moonsandmoons past. i refused to know what i knew. and instead i held your gifts with both of my bruised and bloodied hands, waiting for the exact right moment to give them back, to throw them down, to walk away.
we have been here before. so this moment comes and goes with memories of how it could have been avoided. and i am grateful for the past. i choose to have it be exactly as it was. for the last year and seven months, for fights and reconciliations, for mirrors that i didn't want to see in my nana's house. and i know that you were simply reflecting me, reflecting parts of myself that didn't know how to speak, that wanted to love heartily and full. you were the secrets beneath my tongue that i could not verbalize. you were the wounded parts that just wanted some gotdammed thing to work, whatever it took to make it finally happen.
i commend your commitment to loving me. i honor your willingness to give it one more go. i submit to Spirit that it was not right. and i apologize for not sticking with it when we let go months before.
in service this morning, the visiting rabbi said, "we become identified by our resentments, anger, pain and self-righteousness. it is essential that we recognize that we are not our personalities. we are not our pasts." he went on to say, "there's something you know of that you've been using to limit yourself, to close down the greatness of your being. what needs to be forgiven today?" and i knew it was me. it was time for me to forgive myself for all of the love and loss that happened under my own watch of me.
...then i found
this wonderful message on a website for recovery and sobriety. and while i'm not addicted to a substance, i have been addicted to unhealthy relationships and in recovery from a thriceplus broken heart. it was the exact message that i needed.
i know i did not do this perfectly. i did not make an immaculate decision. but it is my prayer that we forgive ourselves and each other, translating this pain into purpose and blessings, surrendering into the divine order of it all.
love and light,
l'
learning to ride my own damn wave
TSUNAMI...Ride, ride this wave of mine
There're brighter things out on the other side
Ride, ride this wave of mine
I know that things are going to be alright
--
ResSWING(...with an incessant sadness, like a sad record skipping --
ani)
and the real thing is much better than the website...
the closest thing to a televised revolution
...go 'head and cast the first stone...
i love having friends that be thinkin' and stuff. delaine-e is one of the most brilliant brilliants and she always be be dropping wisdom in
her blog. but this time she hit the nail on the head...there's more to say, but her words really need no preface...
(excerpts from
her most recent blog)
We in the progressive (particularly referring to femenist/womanist) community have our own prophets i.e. Beverly Guy-Sheftall, Audre Lorde, bell hooks and the like. We've got our own "sacred texts" ie "Words of Fire," "Sister Outsider," and "Ain't I a Woman?: Black Women & Feminism." And like many religious communities it comes with its own hypocrisy and backbiting. But I've been thinking lately about projection and perception "being" reality.
We as human beings who aren't taught how to communicate with each other and often operate within a spirit of misunderstanding. But do we really want to know or understand? I just know from personal experience that sometimes my "well" concocted story is much more interesting and furthermore makes me feel justified. In all of my seeming niceness, hijab wearing self, I project stories based on my own insecurities, and my intentions aren't always 100% pure.
So everytime i become annoyed or mad by someone else's behavior I feel kinda guilty because i know ive done some pretty messed up shit too, and that people are only a reflection of me. it never fails. Justified anger is something that i have sometimes thrived off but it doesn’t speak to the complexity of who we are as human beings. Do I know how to be a friend, being the sensitive extreme person who I am? When loving means being vulnerable can I hang? The more intensely and honestly spiritual I get the more I reach the dirty uncomfortableness that I'd like to reject, because there is a breach between the ideal and the reality.But it takes me a while to own up to my own shit. Not always pretty. When you have the talent for calling yourself out it can still keep you stagnant, because you are at least being honest right? How many people do that? Can’t let quiet self-righteousness get the best of me or I’ll really be humbled.
Jesus (peace be upon him) was so against the religious phonies cleverly and yet humbly calling them out—those who prayed and fasted for recognition. But we live in a world occupying human bodies operating within social constructs. We desire validation and attention. We are flawed (whatever that means in the grand scheme of things—the process and circle of life). What are we willing to do for truth, love, and justice. To me surrendering to Allah—the Ultimate Reality is to by definition avoid the sin of shirk (making partners with Allah).
Am I a slave to man or woman’s perceived opinions of me? To give more thought to pleasing human beings who think they know as opposed to Allah who really knows? What am I trying to prove, and what do I think I have to lose being a Muslim (one who surrenders to Allah) on all levels. Maybe iv'e placed so much value in what i think others are thinking that i fear disapearing. we make a lot of attemtps trying to be heard, seen, and valdiated for what we aren't, that we dont seem to care so much for knowing that Allah loves us and knows us for who we are. i am not my body, i am not my talents, i am not even my personality.***********************************************************************************
yes. my girl is the bomb. so much more to say, but i'm about to crash
garfield high school's 10 year reunion (class of '95 really was the best). until...
l'
i crashed a memorial service today and all i got was this brilliant creed...
the victorious living creed by
Arthur Fletcheri believe my living will not be in vain because i am convinced that there is a Most High Spirit* and i trust in it's love, justice and mercy.
i believe my living will not be in vain becuase i am convinced i am made in Spirit's image and that it's power dwells in me.
i believe my living will not be in vain becuase i am convinced Spirit put me here to be it's servant and that i am to be an instrument of it's will durning my sojourn on earth.
i believe my living will not be in vain becuase i am convinced Spirit provided me with one or more gifts and talents, and that with my own efforts and it's help, plus the aid of education and training, i can develop my gifts and talents into skills, technical or professional abilities and be rendered able to do some of the world's work.
i believe my living will not be in vain becuase i am convinced that if i try Spirit will find me ways to use my skills, technical or professional ability in service of it's cause.
i believe my living will not be in vain becuase i am convinced that in serving Spirit's cause, i will be able to sustain my own life and be of benefit to humanity in the process.
i believe my living will not be in vain becuase i am convinced that in serving Spirit's cause and sustaining my own life and being of benefit to humanity, my deeds, private and public, will become the building blocks out of which a victorious life is built.
i believe my living will not be in vain becuase i am convinced that by following this creed my life's work will be dedicated to Spirit, and my lifestyle will become a light, a guide and example that my family, friends, acquaintances, associates and others might use in fulfilling their destiny during their sojourn on earth.
*yes. i edited this.
and yes, i crashed
arthur fletcher's memorial service. at the time i didn't know who he was, i just knew all of seattle's big activists and progressive politicians were on their way to the sanctuary and i decided to join them just to see what was up. being "the father of affirmative action" is no small measure i say. it was such an incredible gift and opportunity to sit in with the peoples as they recounted his dynamic life. and while colored folks can be a little long winded, i was inspired and motivated as only a temporarily derailed activist and career sojourner could be.
this creed is no joke. it is truly a blueprint for life. it is what i needed to remind me of what's really important and how to get where i want to go.
smiles and gratitude,
l'
my credo
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
fully alive -
dawna markova i keep trying to figure out how to say this and well, this is all i've come up with: things are better on this side. my head is clearer. i am feeling more and more like myself. i missed me. i missed the happiness and buoyancy that comes when i'm not arguing everyday or being in a shitty mood for (seemingly) no reason. i am singing a lot and dancing and sitting in the sun eating ripe nectarines. i am reaching out. i am telling my truth. i am trusting my instinct. i am joyful. i am. and this is a mighty fine thing. i miss and love (so veryvery much) but i am peace on this side. i am. i am.
p.s. kaj is my soulmate. i miss him. i love him. i want him back. he is a king and the angel of my life. he is my saving grace. he is my most prized possesion. as of december he is still m.i.a. from the beeotch who lost him while cat-sitting and then stopped calling me back. i am a warrior of peace and a mystic of love but i will beat that b*tch's ass if i ever see her again. and that is just that. period.
p.s.s. no doodoo balls or bladder control jokes jalylah. i still be senstive about my boo...
postcards from the edge...
excerpt from a letter i sent recently:
"i've decided to approve of myself, no matter what.
hell or high water.
crazy/irrational/ocd/passionate/depressed/uneventful/insightful/intense/
(un)disciplined...whatever.
it doesn't matter judgmental labels i put on or accept. from this
point on, i approve of myself 1000+%. absolutely. unconditional. no
exceptions."
i promise that this is the secret to sanity. although everything in our culture is spoonfeeding, injecting, brainwashing, hypnotizing us to do otherwise, i promisepromisepromise that this is the best kept secret ever. now when i find myself riding down roads or reminiscing about something questionable that i said or did, i just approve me anyhow. no beating myself up. no "what ifs...". just, "word. that's cool. i approve. u still be the shit."
try it. catch yourself in the conversations you're having with yourself and then just insert unadulterated, uncensored, unconditional, blatantly irrational, self-approval. the rest will fall into place seamlessly.
money-back guarantee.
me
goodgood news...
so
beans informs me of luscious news...mc lyte and sister souljah are going to be at sisterfire!* in september! this is incredible i say. my love child is being blessed by the presence of some more of the greatest greats. i've already got some feelins' a brewin' about ms. lyte but we'll leave that for another time and place. at any rate, i would love to drop in on the haps on the caps while the lovely ladies are in town. let's see how it goes...
*for those of you who don't know, sisterfire! is an all women open-mic/conversation/emotional sweatlodge that i founded and co-created at spelman college in 2001. i facilitated this magical, beautiful healing space for two and a half years before graduating and passing it on to some incredible younger sisters. the fab four, (
beans,
tha seeya,
'reese and
project peace) have been powerful leaders in their own right for the last two years and now that some of them have graduated, leadership has changed hands again. i'm so honored and blessed to have participated in such a powerful and neccesarry experience. give thanks for all those who have ever showed up, both physically and energetically to bless the space. abundant gratitude for carrying our light and love forward.
"be in your truth and speak from there." --sisterfire flyer '01-'03
