i am insatiable
dr. whatshisface on my favorite tv show says something about fathers and childhood absence and filling in blanks in adulthood with shit because the voids are still there. f*ck! i'm tired of censoring and stomach clenching and masquerading and wearing an invisible protective helment. esthero says we need a musical revolution but i know it has to be more than that. it has to be bigger. my soul needs a revolution (or is it the revolution?). sometimes i just want to pretend that everything is okay. that i'm fine and can't we all just get on with it?! and i really enjoy cursing like a sailor and distracting myself with infinite thoughts of other possibilities. i don't want to stick my toes it. what if it's wet? what if it disappears? what if i freeze? what if i never read the new harry potter or really swear off tabloid magazines and commit to a living foods diet and practice my ashtanga primary series every morning for an hour and a half like i want to? what if i really make books by hand and believe in my entire story enough to write it down and publish it?i realized that the only way racism can be reversed is if you can internalize oppression because of it. if not, too bad, that's called prejudice.
what if i was the girl i used to be growing up, except i'm wiser and even more confident and i still didn't give a rat's ass about what other people thought? what if i believed rashad was my north star enough to let go of the pain and love myself again? what if i filled my own blanks with self-acceptance? what if...what if...what if i knew that i could breathe with all my lung capacity and that being nice to my mum wouldn't cause me to loose out on anything (including my autonomy, individuality and/or peace of mind). what if i could love you and still walk away without being regretful?
what if i just said "fuck the system!" and really meant it? what if i really learned how to use my singing voice for power and joy and love and empowerment and play the acoustic guitar in front of audiences? what if i really helped subvert the dominant paradigm? what if i disappeared? would anyone really miss me?
what if no one read this whole thing and i just wrote it to get it off my chest? what if i married myself and kaj came home and we lived happily ever after? what if i really was in love with all of my exes, even the ones who lied and cheated? what if they deserve love too? what if the rock in my heart is only weighing me down?
what if i really am all that i think i am? what if fear wasn't real? what if...what if orgasms were irrelevant? what if they were the most relevant thing on earth?
what if my soulmate loved me and expressed that love and i couldn't even see them because i was so consumed with my own naval gazing? what if my destiny is right in front of my eyes and i don't see it because i'm writing a list of 'what ifs'? what if?
posted by Phoenix @ 1:26 PM
6 Comments:
i gotta tell you, i believe the question is everything. or nearly everything at least. so what if? what if the question is it?
Protection racket, same old software, snubbed founder...
From here, there and everywhere in our blogosphere.. network security specialist George Ou reports that a French security company which sells early exploit warning services has released a zero-day exploit that ...
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Yuk. Back to school. I am going back to school again.
Man oh man oh man. How raw. How....how very much this is the stuff of life. speechless...
Intisar
what if you didn't have the courage to ask what if?
keep being brave.
what if you are both wrong and right? what if it is all both true and false? that is the beauty and terror of life, i think. that the universe is abundant and humorous enough for it to all be true - even the lies. does that make sense? i read the entry, and it was tearful - your blog was crying. but it was okay, does that make sense? it is the intensity of confusion and orgasmic revelation that we live for, in my humble opinion. and love? love is in it all.
in pensive peace....
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