JuicyLoveMagic

grrr...

oh my heart is hurting again and i don't know why. it's a sharp pain like i used to feel after months of emotional torture with e. but there isn't a finger to point now...so i'm really being mindful to check in and see what's going on with me. what am i thinking about? what am believing and holding onto? through what filter am i seeing the world?

i've got anxiety in my gut just circulating, bubbling over. i'm feeling really compressed by the ideas of mortality and life. as jalylah and i touched on last week, mortality is finite and life is eternal. but it fucks me up and breaks my heart to think about how many of my beloved and dear friends i've lost so early in this life cycle. and i don't live a high risk lifestyle and neither did they. car accidents, drownings, dis-ease, surgery...i haven't given myself time, space or permission to fully grieve all of their deaths. after rashad's passing, i didn't want to go through another process like that again. and so as others have come and gone, i still find myself in the process of missing them and being angry at the whole damn thing.

i cannot believe that amina is gone. i just don't. it pisses me off and i don't want to accept it. her spirit is so tangible. i can feel her energy and hear her laughter. i remember our time together at the million women march and she hugged EVERYBODY she saw. i hold memories of us like fragile butterfly wings, pressed in books to preserve their color. our lives were so intertwined for so long...one of my first spirit sisters in the auc. she is one of my beloveds and i want us to have more time together. i want to hold and hug her again. i want to practice yoga and fast together again. i want to bask in the glow of her beauty again. in my dreams i see her, she shows up as gold thread weaving us all together in the spirit of love, connection, healing and the joy of life. i know she is around me. i know she is holding my hand and laughing with me. but it's hard sometimes. it's hard to love people and just have them gone without my consent. i miss them so, so much. i miss my beloveds.

and so i offer love on the altar of my heart to my known ancestors: amina, rashad, brenda, lenord, quinten, kiminita, mienjoy, misty, amirah, nana, papa, ms. harper. i ask Spirit to help me accept the eternal and infinite cycle of life. i ask for help being gracious in the face of change and mortality. i solicit a spirit of fluidity.i know that everything happens in Divine order and i give myself permission to feel all of what i'm feeling. i release anger, resentment and resistance. i celebrate the full beauty of life.

love and joy,

l.

posted by Phoenix @ 12:16 PM