JuicyLoveMagic

i don't want to grow up...at least not like this...

this morning i am not excited about going to camp. i went to bed early and woke up clear with my alarm at 4:30, then went back to sleep and woke up at 5:30 and stayed in the bed until 6. now i'm on the computer. it's raining and gray here and while i also love this weather, i really feel compelled to stay in or near the bed. like yesterday, today i am also tired behind my eyes and lethargic is so much else. at this point, i feel like i signed up for the bum deal called "adulthood" although i seriously feel about 17.

most of the people in my program (kids and staff alike) assume that i'm 20-21 just by looking at me and since i'm holding my true tongue so much in reference to their teachings, they don't really get to know me at all. as a matter of fact yesterday i spent so much time finding errands and things to do outside of the classroom, i'm not sure if they're really going to know me by the time it's all said and done. which might be okay too. it's painful to sit back and witness all of this fear-talk. it's not healthy and it's definitely not real to me.

there are so many other more empowering ways of seeing and being in the world that are truly nurturing to Spirit. but who am i to get crunk at a christian camp at a church? really? they ain't said nothing about interfaith blahblahblah except if you belong to another religion, you're automatically going to hell and well...when the minister comes in the classroom and delivers such a message, what am i supposed to do? of course then he asked me, "what do you believe? do you think that if you're not christian, you can go to heaven?" and i just looked at him and smiled as one of the children answered yes for me. when he saw i wasn't going to respond, he asked someone else and the entire class echoed "no". wowzers.

but i also know that i've got this job for a reason. what it is now, i'm not so sure. it may simply be to lace my pockets. which, at this point, ain't a damn thing wrong with it. so i've got to swallow this damn solid (illusion of) pride and get on the good foot, i guess.

begrudgingly,

l.

posted by Phoenix @ 6:24 AM