JuicyLoveMagic

wonderment

in the past, i have been so fearful of loosing myself. and when i was 19, i actually did. i forgot who i was, what i liked, what i didn't. i couldn't remember my passions, talents or interests. jalylah often served as a ready resource to remind me of myself when my memory was simply grasping at straws. i was terrified. my identity was wrapped around who i thought i was. and when that was gone, i just didn't know where to begin.

and in the last couple of months, i've gone through another very similar process. while it's very different this go 'round, some of the original experiences and fears are the same. i haven't actually forgotten all of the details that i used to define myself, i have somehow lost a grasp on the womyn occupying that space. i slipped under the radar for a while by performing who i remembered myself to be.

now i see the opportunity to choose more and more of who i want to be, how i want to grow, how i want to evolve. but really, more than believing myself to be a change agent in this play, i get to sit back and see how the scenes of my life build on top of each other, allowing "me" to emerge organically in the process. it's a much different experience than trying to hang onto who i remembered myself to be or perform "myself" as i thought i was being perceived by others. this choice liberates me, allowing me to be who i truly am in each moment. ahh...

so, coming back home to my family's house in seattle today, i get to see how my last week of fighting-bickering-arguing-processing-making up-walking on thin ice/broken glass overandoverandover again has prepared me to come home to my family. and instead of adding value judgement to each experience, instead of making any of it "good" or "bad" (neither of which i really believe in), i get to see it all as part of what my spirit needs to grow, evolve and love more fully. i get to see how diligently and perfectly the universe is preparing me for what is now and what's to come in soon time.

part of it too is trusting myself enough to be my whole self in each moment. it's trusting my friends to catch me when i'm stumbling and/or falling. it's trusting the love, the conversation, the energy to carry us all through when times are hard/uncomfortable/unfamiliar. in this growth process, it's sometimes still hard to let down all the walls and guises and just 'be' who i am, without being able to put a handle on who 'that' really is. and the beauty is remembering not to care about perception, especially my own of myself.

i have swallowed too much of the discourse telling me that i am too much or not enough. although i may seem like i'm always walking to the beat of my own drummer, i did not make the instruments. i did not make the shoes. and so, i'm still living in this society that makes its bread and butter by teaching that we're born wrong and then socially constructs more and more reasons to buy security (race, color, gender, "beauty", age, sexuality, nationality, class, education, language, accent, weight, size, shape... ).

i know there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of us. but sometimes i'm still scared to be my whole self for fear of being "too much" or "not enough". and that's just the bullshit of internalized oppression. i know that's not true. it's just part of the discourse that has kept me a little muted, introverted, performative.

i've got got so much to learn and i'm so grateful for the opportunity to grow.

kisses of beautiful seattle sun,

l.

posted by Phoenix @ 3:54 PM