what would it take...
after watching barbara's special, my moms tells me about her friend who became an energy healer after having a near death experience and i wonder...what would it take for me to lay down all of this shit (the shit that i've picked up and chosen to believe throughout this life) and just chose peace now? what would it take for me to walk my path without fearing how it's might turn out??you see, i don't know the whole picture and i don't see all the details but i am clear about a few things and i know that i'm not walking the path that is laid out in front of me. no, i'm making a foot trail kinda next to it, bullheadedly determined to do it my own way. i want to have a safety net and i think that i've got the blueprint on this here life thing. i guess it's my own way of subverting the dominant paradigm. problem is, i'm not in charge. i know i'm dancing off-beat, catching another rhythm, trying to make god's rules fit into this world. i'm not in sync with wat i've been told to do. i think i'm revising the game plan for a winning strategy, but the truth is...i'm just sacred shitless to fully surrender to the real coach/captain/owner.
what would it take for me to just do what i know i'm supposed to do here? what would it take for me to care less about acceptance, validation, approval and thumbs up from my friends, family and society at large? what would it take for me to detach and just fly?
see...i find ways (relationships, consumptions, habits, thoughts) to hold me down, numb me out, keep me (de)stabilized. i find ways to distract myself from my own divinity but i have the beginning of the code. i can apply it at any time. instead, i'vw let it rest on the bookshelf until i've convinced myself that i'm ready to live it. as a result, i feel bound by my attatchments. bound to the idea of "making it big" in this here word. but i cannot serve two gods. i finally understand what that means now.
i know it doesn't all have to make sense in my rational mind. all of the pieces don't have to fit together in order for me to take a leap. i will not believe the stories that i've been spoonfed just so i can have a mediocre life. no. that will not work for me. and so i unplug, unravel, unwind...release all of these attachments to this world. i know that their map doesn't really get me anywhere, at least not anywhere that i want to go.
i have studied it too long. i am taking the pill and stepping out of the matrix.
always love,
l'
posted by Phoenix @ 10:52 PM
3 Comments:
dear 'l,
you are confronting a question that few are courageous enough to ask and wrestle with. keep heart, my friend. you're getting closer - and please keep sharing what you see along the way...
suj'n
i think i've said this to you before, but i think it's more than apposite for this entry:
"If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it." --toni morrison, song of solomon
gawd l' --i love reading your introspections!!! it's like stumbling across my story in a secret place. sooner or later most people ask themselves that question: what would it take to take?
please keep writing. happy holidays sis...
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