inspiration
i am inspired. this afternoon/evening after a relatively productive day at work, i called
summer m., grumpy with unfulfilled reluctance. as usual, she listened and offered support and while grateful, i was thoroughly enjoying being grumpy. after a wonderful chiropractic adjustment, i was less grumpy, but still down in the dumpy and considering skipping my documentary filmmaking class for yoga, a nap or perhaps just more sulking.
it wasn't until i got to the
seattle film institute, parked my car and took a deep breath that i decided to go in to class. it snapped in to place the that my vision is greater than my depression. instead of rolling around in the heady discomfort that had sometimes clouded my eyes, i chose to follow the light of my vision. how liberating!
thanks and love to the goddess!!!
years ago, i had developed this habit of shutting down, hiding under blankets, turning off my phone and not returning phone calls (okay, so what my phone is still always on silent. whatever. don't digress.). i learned to shut down and shut out until i felt safe enough to come back outside. but tides have turned. i am living from my wholeness instead of from a belief in lack. and it feels good.
but what i've come to realize is this shift doesn't mean the depression goes away. althogh the dips are fewer and farther between, i'm no longer attached to the idea of an immaculate emotional landscape. instead, i'm learning to let it take up whatever space it needs to occupy. i don't need to explore or grieve it. i can just let it be where it is. like a sweet, but smelly, stranger sitting next to me on the bus. sooner or later, she'll simply get up and leave.
in the meantime, i have strengthened my connection to my vision. ahhhhhh, yes. sweet smiles are inspired by the mere thought of such things manifesting. :) and finally, today, on the heels on the revelations of yesterday (and yesterday's yesterday), i have surrendered to the luminescence of my vision and let go of sadness' seduction.
after this strong realization, i went in to class, paid attention, asked a lot of questions and learned a lot. my vision won and it feels good.
i am all that i am. i am good and there is absolutely nothing i can do to change that.
this is the sweetest knowing ever.
thanks goddess! and so it is.
always,
me
my top ten and then some...
directing life questions*what would i like to have/create from my journeys?
*what would i like to document?
*who would i like to connect with?
*what would i like to see?
*what skills would i like to develop in myself?
*how would i like to make a contribution?
*what would i like to learn?
*how would i like to help heal the planet?
*what would i like to experience?
*what do i want to do?
extras*what do i believe in?
*what do i know?
*what do i want to say?
*where do i want to be?
*what will nurture me?
*how will i sustain myself?
i am no longer interested in being an audience for myself or for other folk. instead, i am taking center stage of my life. i am the subject of this here story. the author and editor, the publisher and purchaser. there are many songs to sing, many voices and stories and truths that i live in multi-layered complexity and beauty.
these womyn. these beautiful ones holding my hands, back and the fallen arches of my feet. they remind me to reach for it all, sit tall and walk high. they remind me to radiate out from all that they have passed down within.
and there is this one, precious love. she is a strong karma love that i cannot explain beyond the knowing that we've got some serious shit to work out/heal through/celebrate in this here lifetime. i am grateful for her always. sometimes irritated. other times humbled. most times overflowing with goodness that cannot be captured in words. she is a master teacher for me and i for her. something tough and sturdy like hand-molded bread. something rich, ripe and transperant like coconut water. i do not hold her with hands or eyes or hearts even. i hold her with rain/bows and silk wishes. i hold her with love.
i breathe easy now. resting in the sweet comfort of surrender knowing that i don't have to be in charge. i do not have to save the world. instead i can live my life with love. i can lead my dreams with courage. i can love hard and dance in toe shoes in the rain.
this life here...this is the fun part. enjoy.
always,
me
bodywisdom
i have made myself a commitment of extreme self-care. in addition to joyfully living a drama-free life, i take extremely (and increasingly) sweet and gentle care of myself. this looks like many things: (nearly) daily yoga. sleeping early and rising early, honesty, laughter, 1.5 hour massages every two weeks, accupuncture,
gentle chiropractic work. my own space with wonderful roommates. listening to constructive feedback and perspective. being open and receiving love.
this morning in my massage there was a lot going on in my back, new knots and burnings and holdings in my body. new places calling to be healed and released. parts of my emotional wounds that were showing up in my physical body to be recognized and surrendered.
my massage therapist and i have real talk on the table. none of that falling asleep to the theraputic and light strokes across the body. no. she be workin' a sista out like it ain't no kinda joke. not rough and insensitve but intentional and (incredibly) intuitive. she is throughly invested in my health and healing and does her part to help make it happen.
when i laid down on the table she asked me if anything had shifted since my last visit and since i had been both to ny and atl (spending time with some of y'all beautiful folk), a whole buncha things had shifted for me. i began talking and talking and talking and she was working and working and working. my upper back was knotted the f*ck up with some serious holdings but she said the more that i talked about my high visions, my manifested learnings and intentions for the future, the more the knots continued to melt away.
she said,
"there's something you're holding on to here, breathe into it and let it go." i breathed and surrendered and talked and talked. with each breath, with each incarnation of new thought into sound, my physcial body melted more into grace and peace.
"the more you focus on what you want to create and the joy that you've experienced, the more your body lets go of whatever it's been holding on to."and while the knots in my upper back were new (and according to
louise l. hay their emotional source was
believing in a lack of emotional suport. feeling unloved. holding back love.), my body has been manifesting some other serious signs lately and i know that i am not living in full surrender and trust of the Divine. i've been making very limiting choices for my body and it's all showing up in ways that can be incredibly harmful.
i will not name them to give them power. instead i just ask for your highest love, light and prayers of Divinely perfect healing. i know i am already whole and healed. please hold that vision and help me live into it. i am so grateful for the body's wisdom, for the warning signs and 'notes to self' that the body communicates when the mind is too busy to listen. ohh, blessed be. you're right
jah. in all senses of the words. we do have everything we need. we carry everything we need. all of the answers are within.
for this i give thanks.
blessed light and joy,
l'
