home again, home again, jiggityjig
so, two important things have happened since i left seattle 13 days ago:
1) spring has exploded in seattle with wonderful smells, warm sunlight, clear skies and smiling faces.
2) i've gained 10 pounds and 2.5 inches.
while #1 is a pleasant surprise, #2 is not so sweet. true, after several strenuous, unsuccessful days of trying to maintain my food and fitness regime on the road, i gave myself full permission to eat whatever i wanted. and so i did. and i love me some good food. new york nuts are my favorite EVER, who can deny ny pizza and the incredible array of international food selections that the city offers? well honey, i pigged out and i can feel the weight heavy on my legs and waist, not to mention, i can see the inches staring back at me in the mirror.
but that's okay. i gave myself permission to eat all the flour, salt, sugar, cookies, sweets, crackers, ice cream, french fries and that my heart desired. now i know how my body reacts to such an indulgence. i think part of me was interested in sabotaging my diligent efforts to trim my body down, in attempt to soften the blow if i didn't make it. the shitty problem is--now i've got that much farther to go!
oh well. i walked to the gym, hit it heavy, and walked all the way home. i'm back on my food routine. and i already feel worlds better. so i'm back on course. it was fun i must admit, to eat everything that i dreamed of eating. and now it's time for the rubber to hit the road. when they call me to move on to the next level, i want to be more than ready.
love and light,
me
coming around again...
so here i am in day 3 or 4 of new york. it's getting better. spending time with more city transplants who freely share their experiences about coming, adjusting and either loving or hating this here town.
i still haven't made up my mind yet. it's so busy wizzing and waiting to know. i'm also reading oprah's collection of "i know this much is true" stories that can be found in may's edition of "o" magazine. it's great because it's giving me the injection of positivity and optimism that i need to stay simultansiously grounded and levitated. i don't want to overthink or overanalyze anything. i want the answer to be clear and organic, revealed without an opportunity for questioning or doubt. my constant prayer is, "what am i here for? how can i serve you?". it is my prayer that all of my thoughts, words and actions are in alignment with my divine purpose. i want to stay focused and connected to the greater picture that reaches beyond my little ego's perception of the world.
i am remembering to be humble. i am also remembering that it's just life. none of these microscopic choices really matter, expect regarding what i have to learn from them. in the meantime, there are certain things that I really want--a lifestyle that i would like to grow used to. how do i make that happen? do i just surrender into the great unknown and TRULY, TRULY trust that i'll be caught? or do i continue letting my little ego take charge and operate under the illusion that it has any control?
i want to surrender. i want to trust. i want to relinquish all attempts to control anything. because i know that when it gets right down to it, i'm not the writer of this script. i'm just an improv actor, trying to make it through the scene.
ah...that does take off some of the pressure to "deliver".
anyway, blessings and love and light. and warm lemonaide on the grass in central park.
love,
l.
new york city!
today has been a great day. i enjoyed my time with les, it was good to see her and reconnect. and then i hung out with sirjohn which was also wonderful. he loves the city and is really enjoying his life here.
this is the city where the magic happens. and part of me is still left feeling empty and sad. it is loud, polluted and crowded. this city does not nourish my soul. it does not brighten my heart. it has exhausted me today with its endless energy and nonstop banter. there is no silence here, except that which i hold in my own soul--in my own heart and head.
this city is the most ultimate test for everything i've already learned and everything i innately know. having a wise, stable safe space would be essential here, but still i am exhausted.
does this energy drain or sustain me?
and i've got some time and space to figure this out. either way, i need to go back to seattle ASAP. maybe even tomorrow. if i leave in the morning, maybe i'll be able to take an evening flight.
if i do move here, i need to be incredibly clear about my purpose for being here. it is not because i love this city. it is for the opportunities that living here would provide. it would be to position myself in a place and way that would open doors for me and get my career going in the way that i yearn for.
only time will tell how everything turns out. i'll keep you posted.
love and light,
l.
the risk of living
"this is the story of taking your dreams into your own hands, and doing something bigger than yourself" -- Coke commercial
so almost two weeks ago, i gave my two week notice at nordstrom. yes, it was a heart wrenching, incredibly challenging choice to make. on one hand i could have stayed in a comfortable management job that pays good+ or i could have taken a chance, followed my heart and leapt into the unknown. after much contemplation and deliberation, i decided on option two. and THEN i bought an airline ticket to boston with the intention to go to nyc for a few days to boot. WOW. it feels like a great leap of faith cuz the paychecks will be stopping and money hasn't manifested in physical abundance...yet.
my dad asked my plan and i told him that i didn't really have one. i said that i have a vision and a passion and i'm operating on faith and courage. he said i'd need a lot of those. i told him i need just enough...just enough to get me out of the routine, over the hump and onto the path, life will take its course from there. that much i do know.
although i don't know how this story is going to unfold, i'm clear that i could not continue down the road i was going. yes, it was a consistent paycheck with benefits and a 401k. but i was miserable, pissy and just so far off track it felt ridiculous. i am putting my money where my mouth is and that feels even more amazing than comfort and consistency.
the magic will happen in boston. i'm going to have an amazingly fun time in new york. this is what had to happen in order for me to soar to the heights that i dream of. i'm a little nervy but i know that it's all going to work out in divine timing and pefect order.
my prayer is for clarity, strength, positive mindset and the energy to keep it moving and rest when appropriate. this is is what i rest on the altar of my heart. this is what i surrender to everything unknown.
i'm jumping...and the Universe is catching me. my humble gratitude.
loveandlight
