tru love...
today i rediscovered myself in love. we met years ago and it was love at first sight. it was the most all-consuming, truly devouring, deeply inspiring, fundamentally revolutionary kinda love that i could ever imagine. something that blew both my socks and hat off. my friends thought that i had lost my mind. i grew and loved more than i had ever anticipated. she opened doors to my heart and soul in ways that i never had conceived possible. and i loved her with all my might. and it was good. then she went away for a bit. but i was cool. i knew when we reunited it would be magic. it would be divine. it would be incredible. we would pick up where we started off and we would fly.
but it didn't happen that way. next time we got together, she had changed. i thought she was self-absorbed and shallow. instead of being melodic and soothing, her voice made my skin crawl. it had transitioned into a whine, crying all about herself and her world. i wanted to talk about spirituality, i wanted to believe in something bigger than us. i wanted her to see me again but instead she only seemed to see herself. i re-introduced her to friends and they loved the new her. they connected with her in a way that i couldn't anymore. and while i still loved her deep and true, i had to leave the relationship. i didn't trust her anymore. i didn't think that she was being anymore authentic than the stories she wanted me to believe. and while folks tried to convince me that i was throwing away something good, my heart had broken. i didn't want to try anymore. i put away our pictures, the sentimental memorabilia and moved on. but i secretly prayed and hoped that there would be another time for us. that we could be in the same place at the same time and finally 'get' each other again.
a few years later we got back together and it was fun but it was nothing compared to the early days. we danced and enjoyed each other's company but the depth was gone. we had gone our separate ways and the creative genius that we once knew so well had been replaced by just healthy, hearty fun. i missed the old days but was so happy that we could connect on at least some wonderful level.
it's been years since we last broke up and while we've had touch and go connections over the years, today is the day that we've finally come back into each other's lives. it's finally right.
i love my girl. forever and ever. i'm not invested in either of us being the same as we were when we first met and i've finally opened up enough space in my heart for both of us to grow. she is magic and so am i. i finally understand what she was saying all these years. i finally get why we had to go away and come back. it makes the most sense to me in a way that it couldn't have without this level of growth that the years between us created.
so yes. i am in love. i understand what that means. and it means creating and being big enough for it all. for the changes we anticipate an those we could never imagine coming. if that means we'll never see each other again, it's perfectly fine for me. i'm just thrilled and delighted to be reunited in a way where i see and understand while i'm beeing seen and understood.
i will never know it all, but this much i know is tru.
love,
me
for my girl:
heaven
my mom asks me if i blieve in heaven and after much silence i say, "it depends on how you look at it". (this was after the jcpenny christmas commercial that ended with, "depends on how you look at it"). there aren't really words for that level of belief or knowing right now. and if there are, it's not something i want to discuss r debate with folks.
insted what i'm really concentrated on is learning how to create more and more heaven in this exact moment. to live more and more peacefully in this moment. i think it's all a tool, a path, a way to evolve, open up, reunite with our truth and divinity. but life isn't a matter of rapidly racing to become perfect/divine/loveable. no, no. we are born knowing our perfection. it's about staying connected to our divinity and moving from
there.
what would it take...
after watching barbara's special, my moms tells me about her friend who became an energy healer after having a near death experience and i wonder...what would it take for me to lay down all of this shit (the shit that i've picked up and chosen to believe throughout this life) and just chose peace now? what would it take for me to walk my path without fearing how it's might turn out??
you see, i don't know the whole picture and i don't see all the details but i am clear about a few things and i know that i'm not walking the path that is laid out in front of me. no, i'm making a foot trail kinda next to it, bullheadedly determined to do it my own way. i want to have a safety net and i think that i've got the blueprint on this here life thing. i guess it's my own way of subverting the dominant paradigm. problem is, i'm not in charge. i know i'm dancing off-beat, catching another rhythm, trying to make god's rules fit into this world. i'm not in sync with wat i've been told to do. i think i'm revising the game plan for a winning strategy, but the truth is...i'm just sacred shitless to fully surrender to the real coach/captain/owner.
what would it take for me to just do what i know i'm supposed to do here? what would it take for me to care less about acceptance, validation, approval and thumbs up from my friends, family and society at large? what would it take for me to detach and just fly?
see...i find ways (relationships, consumptions, habits, thoughts) to hold me down, numb me out, keep me (de)stabilized. i find ways to distract myself from my own divinity but i have the beginning of the code. i can apply it at any time. instead, i'vw let it rest on the bookshelf until i've convinced myself that i'm ready to live it. as a result, i feel bound by my attatchments. bound to the idea of "making it big" in this here word. but i cannot serve two gods. i finally understand what that means now.
i know it doesn't all have to make sense in my rational mind. all of the pieces don't have to fit together in order for me to take a leap. i will not believe the stories that i've been spoonfed just so i can have a mediocre life. no. that will not work for me. and so i unplug, unravel, unwind...release all of these attachments to this world. i know that their map doesn't really get me anywhere, at least not anywhere that i want to go.
i have studied it too long. i am taking the pill and stepping out of the matrix.
always love,
l'
Total Commitment
TaurusYour self-image is too small, in my opinion. You've crammed your identity into a few pigeonholes, and it's dying to escape. To launch you on the path to expansion, let's stimulate your imagination with some exercises. Start by visualizing yourself as being the opposite gender. What would your name be? Now picture yourself as being a different race and having an alternate ethnic background. How would that affect your philosophy of life? Imagine yourself working at a job or career other than the one you actually have, and living in a different city, and making $20,000 more a year than you actually do. Now dream up some more fantasies about other selves who might be lurking within you.
atlanta
sometimes i crave those spaces and places. sitting in sistercircles and connecting on the deepest of levels. since moving home i've come to remember that all sisters and sister spaces don't have enough room for the intense, in depth, deep to the root of it all coversations talks that i cherish and love dear. i've also come to remember that sometimes people just want to shop and spend money or dance to the funky beat without thinking about/dissecting/processing the social
-political
-national
-international ramifications and impact that their behavior has created/confirmed/supported. i've also learned that hoursandhours of time can be spent in deep dish (like a casserole) conversations with folks i don't (
really) know and that those conversations can be the grounding rock
/inspiring impetus to get my ass moving in a way that some other chats just might not and usually don't.
so i've come to learn and love the rainbow of fruit flavors of relationship that is ever unfolding and evolving in my life. i've come to learn more and more about the diversity of people that i know and love (and like) and how family cannot ever be confined to blood. and while i've known this all for a mightymighty long time, it's looking increasing fresh as i grow more and more into adulthood.
yes. there is still something special and beautiful in that land of the a., the place where i grownt myself into a womyn with the help
/nurturing
/support and love of some of the most brilliant Brilliants i've ever known. Yesyes. it's all true. and i'm growing more into a blessed assurance that gone does not mean forgotten and growth does not mean abandonment. i am learning to love the here and now
and the space between.
for all of this i am most grateful.
always love,
l'
Revelation of the Day
OTHER PEOPLE'S CHOICES ARE
NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.
Even if I love them a lot.
Even if they've done valuable things for me in the past.
Even if I feel slightly guilty when I say 'no' or if they've got a good story/reasoning/rationale.
Even if I'm related to them.
Even if they'd "do the same for me".
At the end (begining and middle) of the day, we all make our own choices in each and every moment. If we would like support in the aftermath and folks are able to step in without guilt or a sense of obligation, fabulous. But our choices are just that--ours. No one else is obligated to solve/fix/handle them for us.
Wow! How free I am!!
Blessed love,
L'
i will marry one day.
i love deep, frequently and fast. my sisterlove yabs calls me in tears and i am more than grateful to be the recipient of such phone calls.
there was a deep, rich, juciy magic at spelman college in the fall of 1997. we came to town rich with hope and a new comfort in century old consciousness. the stars had perfectly aligned in order for all of us to be together in those moments-ru, yabs, pipersunshine, jamalia, beana and me (l.boogie)...
i liked to call us the nappy clique, and while the whole point of our existence was to avoid being any kinda 'clique' i really liked the title because it finally officiated me into feeling like i had found my tribe. the next year would bring new initiates-maluna, k.kookie, nicola and others and we learned to love each other strong and true, through the revolution that would eventually become sassafras, sisterfire, afrekete (reborn), big mama's and toni cade...
yes, we grew up and out and onward and there is still no love like that love. ru, nicola, and yabadabs are in the bay and in soon time i will be too. a reunion of divine sisterhood is in order. it is drawing closer and closer to manifestation with each breath.
while i have not resigned eternal life partnership to any of my sisters in the family formerly known as the nappy clique, i know that we will always be married, bonded in spirit, connected by lovebirth...
we speak a new language, one that is secret and unspoken by any others. we understand the code and whisper it to each other in our dreams.
everyday i give thanks for this love for it is all that i am.
we are all reflections...and for that i am so grateful. i joyfully bask in your glow. thank you for reminding me of my own dvinity.
always love,
l'
