word warrior
i want to touch you, penetrate beyond these walls caging us in/out but your papercut words slice open my fingers, staining the blank canvas between us.
yesterday i was reminded that the universe always brings us whatever we need to evolve. there are no mistakes, missteps, "oops" moments/relationships/words/experiences. you are just a supporting character/teacher/guide, bringing me closer to my own spiritual growth and evolution. and so my words are no longer standing behind a pointed finger spewing blame onto you, but are instead pointed inward, questioning, "what is this experience giving me?" "how is it serving my growth"?
there is no more need to process, analyze, mental micro-manage. i put down my cape of victimhood yesterday, leaving me with nothing but my own truth and the universe's infinite and divine wisdom. i now know that you are not a villain and i am not a victim but i am also no longer a glutton for punishment. i have seen enough of the truth to just let it all go. i have seen the light in my own reflection and anything other than the willingness to get over it is just a hunger for ego/insecurity stroking in the form of expertise and talk-chatter-motherf*ckingprocessing.
i know that there is no one to blame, including myself, because this is all just a test, a scene, an opportunity to grow. and so i stand in agreement with the pact i made with myself yesterday. i stand solid in my commitment to getting over it and celebrating the process instead of the resenting the journey. but there is one thing i know for sure, today and always--your words will never touch my skin again.
basking in the light of the new moon,
l. boog.
my favorites
love: truth
teacher: faith
aquisition: breath
possesion: nothingness
guide: spirit
hope: beauty
knowing: surrender
alchimist: love
the ties that bind/...let it go, let it go, let it go...
well, i've returned safely and soundly back to the beautiful pacific northwest. on the second leg of my flight home i sat next to two brothers whose sister and mother were sitting in the row ahead of us. i don't know if it's my ever-blooming intuition or my particular sensitivities to family/sibling dynamics, but one can learn a whole bunch about how things be going down by just sitting back and paying attention. i believe that parents can get so blocked by their own 'ish that they aren't able to see how it impacts their children, so we all just keep on repeating the same cycles over and over. communication gets jumbled and tumbled like tattered drawers in a dryer when we don't really listen or pay attention to what our children are saying.
it's like watching a car crash, everything is in slow motion and my head is just screaming, "stop!" but my mouth is too stunned to react. it makes me wonder, will baby boy will continue to seek protection, looking for sacred relationships in which he can play be a rescued victim? will big bro will keep jumping/smacking/yelling around, trying to get attention, validation, acknowledgement, but running too far in front of his thoughts for both his actions and his words to link up? will moms continue seeing what she wants to see, hearing what she wants to hear and keep investing in the protection of her youngest seed because she was never protected like she needed to be? or will sis will keep sectioning herself out, dissapearing from any potential madness to the extent that she erases herself completely, only showing up as a shell to hold the space in her lineage? i hope not. i pray that we'll all wake up and write ourselves into new models of family, community, love and connection.
...i wrote this initially on
may 29th, and when i just reread it i realize how my own 'ish filters how i see the world. so interesting so, so very interesting.
my mum used to say,
"we see what's behind our eyes" and i totally agree with her. whatever we've got going on inside is how we hear/see/process/feel and know the world.
last week on my favorite show ever (
starting over), iyanla vanzant said,
"what we hear is filtered through what we're listening to on the inside" . how true my dear, how true.
and one of my favorite quotes ever is,
"the most important words we'll ever say are those we say to ourselves, about ourselves, when we're by ourselves." now that is dropping some real knowledge on the ones and twos.
one time, in my younger years, i kept calling a number that was continually busy. by the fifth time, i could have sworn that the recorded operator had gotten an attitudinal tone in her voice. and at the same i knew that it was the same damn recording that had been playing all those times before. i was just a little more frustrated and irritated than i had been on calls 1-4. i got it immediatly that
sometimes, i hear through the filter of what's going on with me, having nothing to do with someone else's actual tone or attitude. that revelation gave a real knowing that i carry with me today.
what else am i carrying that colors my experience of the world?
love and hungry ponderings,
l.
the way forward is with an open heart
i had to ask the question yesterday in my workshop. "what do you mean, 'never give up on someone'? what if i've gotten to the point where i know the relationship just isn't going to work anymore and i don't want to stay in it because it's disfunctional/unhealthy/abusive/one-sided/untrustworthy...etc? you want me to stay around, trying hard and getting nothing in return anyway?" she answered my question briefly durning our session but of course i wasn't satisfied, so i pulled her aside during a break to get a deeper understanding of this concept.
i knew this was a "stuck" place for me. something that my ego was so invested in, i had a really hard time as seeing it as anything different than 'norm'. and that's why i knew it was important for me to gain a greater understanding of this piece. just because i didn't 'get' initally it didn't make it an irrelevant part of my journey.
when we spoke i gave her a truncated version of my friend and family history and why i had to fight myself tooth and nail to make sure that i took care of myself beyond relationships that had been harmful to me. yes, i had been an active "co"-participant in a few co-dependant romantic relationships, had a rockyrockyroad relationship with my sis, and had recently come out of a period where i seriously purged some "friends" who weren't really being my highest vision of friendship . and in order to really take care of myself, i had purged them all on various levels--exes, my sis and friends.
while this process seemed to protect me from further hurt and harm, it actually just supported an old emotional brick wall. and at the same time, my daily intention is to love bigger, greater, more fully, more honestly and most directly from my heart. the truth that she shared with me was simple and direct: the only way to never give up on someone is to both take care of myself and and live from an open heart. that is the only road towards unconditional love.
there is no doormat involved. no martyrdom neccesarry. there is also no wall/moat/drawbridge between the outside world and my heart. instead there is a an
entirely new paradigm where i am taken care of with an open heart.
and that's where i am now. it is a completely different way of approaching life and relationships (which really is life anyway). it's a dismantling process where i've got to come out of the "safe" refuge of my mind-ego-thought-analysis-judgement-objectification and move from my emotions--from my heart. this means dancing with folks, being gracious and embodying a vision of the biggest love possible.
this is all a step-by-step process for me, one in which acknowledging and naming my emotions isn't about vulnerability but is instead about creating and sustaining truthful and loving relationships. in the past, it's been really hard for me to even name how i'm feeling, but i'm in the current now, really learning my emotional self, and it feels good.
i've got some new tools in my knapsack, ones which i am now using in every moment to create real connection.
love and light,
l.
reach out and touch somebody's hand...
just when i think that i'm at the end of my little rope, my friends show up for me in ENORMOUS ways to move my world and instantly change everything. that is such an incredible thing. it's way beautiful beyond words and i am so, so grateful for true love, real love...real friendship that ain't about the pomp and circumstance bullish. these little gifts of friendship come in all kinds of amazing ways including the fundaments when i ain't got it together like loans and gifts, rides, beds, meals...it can also be as simple as a radiant song on my voicemail, a beautiful message to let me know you were thinking about me, an email full of wonderful job postings you found for me on craigslist or the perfect words to melt my heart. and man! these are just the physical manifestations of movements from the heart. i ain't even touched on the emotional blessings that i get from just knowing you folks! i am boyant with love for you. i am high with gratitude.
sometimes when i feel all by myself, it's so wonderful to know that those who are still around, those who came with the realness to make the cut and raised the bar...i can't tell you how much it means to me. oh so much, let me say that right there. just so darm tootin' much.
when the chickens come home to roost, i'm just glad they're organic, free range and grain-fed. there's no room for fillers here and it means the world to me to look around and know that everything that is birthed between us, everything that is created, is the truth. and even if it ain't all perfect or yadayadayada, it is real. and what can i say, that means more to me than anything.
thanks for all this goodness! how did i get to be so blessed?
thank you kindly. oh so very much.
and there are some things about me that i would like to share since we here at blogger are all about sharing, right? so, here goes:
i would like to label myself with some words because sometimes i just feel like mike. now, i'm not saying this is the truth of my authentic self or anything like that, but maybe it is and i'm just actin' brand new half of the time. anyway, away we go!
-- thief, snob, earth mama, angel, devil's advocate, healer, writer, fairy, sister, sponge, reflection, mystic, rock, show stoppin' m.c., spelling bee drop-out, o.c.d. overloader, friend(ster), lover, prude, hippie, aint jamima, best boogier, most culturally aware, prom queen, cheerleader, traveller, procrstinator, liar, scribe, coward, fearless, cheat, the other woman, victim, faker, tease, contradiction, manipulator, salve, instigator, scholar, underachiever, jealous ex, stupid repeat offender, dyke, straight girl, ally, black girl, token, extra, love blind, heartbroken, conductor, destroyer, curious, hungry, insatiable...like lauryn hill said, all these words are about me. i embrace all colors in the crystal's spectrum. and now it's time to go to sleep. g'night mate. thanks for playing.
love,
me
after all my logic and my theory, i added mothafucka so you ignant n*ggas hear me...
okay, so looka here, looka here, boi, looka here...i've got an interview tomorrow morning at nordstrom for a full-time position at m.a.c. (chuckle, chuckle...yeah, yeah...) all i got to say is, mama got to eat...m.a.c. makes mucho dinero, especially at nordstrom, and this is only a temporary fix. kinda like me blogging again. it's just a means to an end...and i'm nervous/anxious as hell. i know i've got the skills to pay lots of people's bills but i also have a reputation for being wishywashy and somewhat of a gypsy in the m.a.c. community. i wonder why...maybe it's because i have no interest what so ever in this becoming my career so i don't care if i leave and then come back in a couple of months or a year...and the higher ups might not like that...
i think that's what i'm really sweating. i'm worried that they might be like, "yeah! she's the shit makeup artist! she can beat out anyone's face but damn! that girl don't know what she wants to do or where she wants to be. and she kinda flaked out and bounced (although i did give a legit 2 weeks) when she was a manager" and although that may seem true to them, what's real for me is i know what i want, and m.a.c., nordstrom and selling things just ain't it. but in the meantime, i gotta live.
so...i'm going to go in tomorrow and talk to them. aw shucks! it's just so frustrating...i'll just commit to doing it for the summer, save easy cheddar and then bounce at the end of august. yeah, that works for me. give myself a deadline, then move once i've got some doughknow and i know the peeps in the bay love to be spending their moola. gracious! spend it with me!
laughing at myself,
love...
l.
cathartic process aka. "a ha!"
so, it's become a letter, this story of stories and that makes the process so much easier. i'm writing him a letter. long overdue and a way of healing up the last pieces of that piece of shit. mighty fine revelation i say, mighty fine.
