this world here.
I've been here before this ain't a battle this is war.
-Lauryn Hill
delirious conversations send my head spinning, again. and i wonder when will it ever be safe to land?
i carry heavy suitcases in my head. most are dusty, unpacked and crammed with internalized texts waiting to be decoded. sometimes it is hard for me to understand up from down, in from out, real from illusion. i am a whirling dervish suffocating in the mirror of my own warped reflection. and i am tired. tired of spinning and fighting and holding myself in/out in order to survive.
yes. today i am grateful for all the love and light and connection. i am honored to be a participant on this path. there is nothing like living. and most of my days are full of all kinds of gratitude. but there are also knots here, sharp pains jamming into my shoulders, cycloning into my back. it is time to put down the bags. to unpack them and finally nurse myself back to thriving, vibrant health.
i cried at the end of
"a beautiful mind," not because he won the nobel prize, but because he constructed a fulfilling life despite the ghosts in his head. step by step, i am learning to match and rematch the puzzle pieces until it all makes sense. i have faith that i will happen eventually and for this i am so very grateful.
always love,
l'
Come to the Northwest
To my beloveds:
I have just discovered
the most beautifulest possibility in the whole entire universe. Roundtrip airline tickets from Atlanta to Seattle (or vice versa) for
$183!!! This is absolutely amazing and out of the frickin’ world. Please, oh please, come and visit me up here in the Pacific Northwest. The tickets must be purchased 3 weeks before the departure date but they’re good through next October. Yes!!
October, 2006. So come and make the good 3k mile journey to the land of the living.
I promise to show you a great time when you get here.
Call me so we can make it happen!
Always love,
L’
www.travelocity.com
www.united.com
roommates.com
so, i'm looking for a home. some place of my own to lay my head and while i don't really want to live with other folks, i figured i'd register on roommates.com just in case of an emergency. and then, it requires me to submit my sexual orientation before proceeding to the next page. straight and gay/lesbian are my ownly two options. clearly, this isn't a progressive service but i really don't think all that information is necessary. why it gotta be that deep? shizah! i don't know what i'm about to do, but i'll keep you posted.
please keep my home in your prayers.
always love,
l'
becoming...
i am living closer into freedom. there is magic here. yes, it is emerging like aunty kathy's tulips, incubating in development until time for surrendering to the sun. he says be the flower, expose all of your inner parts for the pollenation of humanity, spirit, gaia, the world. surrender your heart to the light. allow what is to just come and keep growing up and out. turn inward, move upward. lead with all that is. retire your head into perfect alignment with gentle grace of connection. lead with your heart. all else must be retired.
i had proof yesterday. the universe sends me signs of confirmation. of course we would not be in the same theatre. thank you for validating all that i know, and then leading me to the next dot to connect. it was my missed crash moment. it was divine intervention with a sign blaring "3 infinite moments until enlightment". at least i know now that i am moving in the right direction.
ani does it because she's a joyful girl. i do it because it's all i'm here to do. there are no other options. it doesn't matter how many are dying or how much pain or statistics point me in the right/different direction. no. that will not change my purpose. there is one foot in front of the other on this road. i am doing fine (i must remember). i remind myself in those moments of confusion and emptiness that i am exactly where i am supposed to be, doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing. the emptiness is the only way. mark the thinking then release it.
but it is a war/fight/battle. sometimes the bloodyfield is only in my head and i must take prisoners and decide the right strategies the free my mind. sometimes it is at home, in bed, through the phone. i bang my heart against the wall, begging it to lasso my mind and guide it to liberation. but my mind is resistant and fights madly to run wild, to control everything, to live into ego's domination. and so i enlist thy will, using it as the source which brings and fuses all together. i instantly become connected and integrated, following your lead to transcend into the greatness that is only open for me to explore.
this is the mark of a journeyed warrior.
this is the note of a phoenix.
and for you, i offer infinite gratitude.
always love,
l'
lean into the answers...
Taurus"In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined," wrote psychiatrist Thomas Szasz. This is always true, but it's especially apropos for you Tauruses right now. You have arrived at a three-way fork in the road, and which way you go will have a big impact on your future capacity to exercise your free will. To make the best choice, you've got to have maximum power to define yourself. Don't let anyone, whether it's an enemy or a loved one or a so-called expert, take charge of determining the contours of your identity.
years ago, ain gave me a quote that said, "the universe is conspiring in your favor". and it's beautiful how true that statement really is. weeks ago, i put out a universal all-call for emotional intimacy, connection and community in seattle. faster than i could look around, the wheels started turning, lovely, healthy folks started manifesting and relationships started re/building.
then Spirit was like, 'let me send you to the a. for a few days to connect with some of your rootsy friends, to get seriously loved on, to laugh and snuggle hearty and unapologetic. let me send you down to some bridges where moss has grown over to see what's really left beneath the surface...let me bring you love to share and receive.' and so i went, unfolding into arms and hands and couches. loving full into conversations with friends who i heart deep and true and wide. mentors, sisters, crushes and connections all manifested beautifully for my short stay. it is good to know that i am loved. i returned home swollen and full with delight and satisfaction.
i am here now with new and old heart friends, with openness and gratitude, rejuvenated and excited for the growth that is to come. this journey thing is wonderful and beautiful and hearty. it is full of twists and turns. i am learning to be more gentle with myself and others. i am learning the value of moving through conflict and not just abandoning ship with the going gets tough. yes. i am learning to sit in the face of both comfort and discomfort, allowing all to evolve into greater and higher heights.
there are these questions, these bound boxes floating on water with mysterious answers locked loosely inside of them. eventually it will all melt into ocean, slowly becoming all that we can see. i rest assured in my arms, confident that this moment contains more than i know...i am still curious about what can and will be created but i am growing more satisfied with the now. although i believe in flow-charts and alphabetically listed itineraries, there are always delicious suprises derailing my systematic agendas. who knew a 2:30 text could stretch into seven hours? not i, but such a pleasant surprise nonetheless. i know that it is much more liberating to just follow the arrows, explore the dots and uncover the hidden tracks. anything else could just be gibberish.
in the light of juicylovemagic,
l'
spinning in sleepy spirals
after a more than perfect 5 days in atlanta (and i mean to say pefection that includes beautiful challenges and opportunities for growth), i have returned home to seattle. it's raining and chilly and while i love this here weather, i have creaked back into bones that are weary and restless. i am moving into my own apartment tomorrow. it is time to sleep in real beds that i can call my own in a room with a door that locks and unlocks with only my key. i am still spinning back into place, a whirling dervish in constant prayer for elevation and deliverance. there are coversations of closure that need to be had. boxes that need to be sealed and returned to sender. i am too sleepy to do so now. i will go out and dance between raindrops to the beat of owar's trumpet. i will laugh with soulma and share lovelovelove with those there. this is my continuation of community building.
i am not ready to write about my time in the a...not quite yet...words shared too early could potentially diffuse my vision of perfection and that is not what i want. no, no. my time in atlanta was sacred and beautiful and exactly what i needed for this exact moment. and for that i give thanks.
there will be another time and space but for now i must get ready to dance.
always love,
me
