true confessions
so yes, i am a self-professed feminist. i am
pro-choice, anti-gentrification, and in support of feeding hungry people all over the world. i do not support lindsay lohan's drastic
weight loss. i do not think that halle berry should have won an oscar for
that damn movie. nonetheless, instead of using my precious time to pack up my apartment as i planned, i took a two-hour
ginger bubble bath at my parent's house and waited hours to watch the
miss unverse pagent. now my obsession with pagents isn't quite as intense as it was in my younger years when i videotaped, catalogued and compuslively watched
miss teen usa,
usa,
universe and
america pageants from 1994-2000, but it is present nonetheless.
i don't know what it is about these damn things. it may have something to do with the cinderalla/american dream complex (the same thing that inspires me to love
"pretty woman" and most reality televison competitions)...the idea that someone can be plucked out of obscurity and thrown into a new life of money, fame, prizes and pictures constantly astounds me. the host just called the miss universe pageant, "the superbowl of beauty"...and when i really think about it, i'm just glad that my mother's hard-earned money didn't go to waste on my college degree. thanks to a b.a. in
comparative women's studies from
spelman college, i can now intellectually analyze this damn competition with a keen, criticial eye looking at how sexism, the marginalization of women and the myth of beauty have created such a distorted model of womanhood. the whole thing now looks so archaic and outdated that it makes me want to vomit. as a matter of fact, i'm going home now, so i can focus on some real work.
laughing (and
dancing) with myself,
l.
the answer...
www.youarethelightmovie.comanswers, gifts and love come in the most unexpected places. enjoy!
love and light,
me
soul retrievals
Soul Retrievals History of Shamanism
Soul Loss, Soul Retrieval and Extraction
Soul retrieval is based on the concept that throughout the course of daily life pieces of our soul can be lost. This soul loss is usually a natural coping response to a trauma. When we are traumatized and it is too painful for us to be present and aware, a part of us may leave to wait in non-ordinary reality. This state of soul loss is often referred to medically as shock, or psychologically as dissociation.
When we have a soul loss we may feel something is missing. We may have an emptiness that we try to fill through addictions, compulsive behavior, taking energy from others, or we may simply feel depressed. We may look and act competent on the outside, but feel inadequate or disquieted on the inside.
Soul loss can occur in a number of ways: through serious illness or accidents, through depression or strong emotional events, and even through theft. Often "soul-thieves" do not know that they are stealing soul parts, and they may be people close to us: parents, grandparents, siblings, and lovers. Sometimes we experience soul loss because we have given a quality or essence to someone else or allowed them to take it. We often give away a quality of essence (patience, assertiveness, zest for life) to seomeone else because we want to help them or they may want this quality for themselves. No one can make use of our essence but us, so when it is with another person they are weighed down and we feel unnaturally connected to them - we may think about the other person more often and more intensely than is warranted.
Soul loss is identifiable through apathy, an absence of joy, an inability to feel love or receive it, suicidal thoughts, addictions, chronic despair and depression. Angeles Arrien states that symptoms of soul loss include " losing a desire dance, sing, enjoy silence, and enjoy storytelling." We may have done much personal growth work at the emotional and psychological level, which can be enhanced by this spiritual healing work.
Soul Retrieval Ceremony The actual event of soul retrieval work occurs in a safe environment. The client invites allies to assist him or herself in the ceremony. These allies should be close and trusted friends, who are there to observe, support and accept the clients' healing process. They will be asked to focus on the intent of the work, maintain a safe psychic space and think positive thoughts.
The ceremony begins with prayers, energy cleansing through the use of sage smoke (smudging) and an interview by the practioner - looking to determine the client's intent in the healing. The client and the shamanic practioner lie on blankets on the floor; and the practioner enters the Shamanic State of Conciousness (SSC) through the use of a loud monotonous drumbeat.
While in the SSC, the shamanic practioner relies on the assistance of his or her Spirit guides and Power Animal allies. These are the avatars for the practioner in the shamanic realms, and it is these allies who perform the work which takes place. Often, the practioner will make the sounds of the ally they are working with. For example, a practioner who relies on Raven for healing work will caw and screech. Additionally, the practioner may make sudden movements, appear to be pulling or cutting, or make loud noises through clapping, shouting or singing.
Often during the process, the client may feel a wide range of emotions, from laughter or fear, to passion and hate. All of these feelings are related to the work and they should be acknowledged, thanked and released. It is completely acceptable to laugh, cry, yell, or do nothing at all during the ceremony and work. The client may also feel the urge to "assist" the practioner with her work - this is strongly discouraged. The client is best served by the remaining present in his or her physical body, and observing the emotions or thoughts that the work brings to the surface.
Upon completion of the journey, the practioner returns the missing soul parts by blowing them into the heart chakra, and into the the crown of the head. The practioner will then rattle around the client's body to seal in the returned soul parts, and welcome the returned parts home. After some quiet time to think and write, the practioner will share the ages of the soul parts returned, the nature of the loss event, and any allies who pesented themselves for the client. The practioner will then invite the client and the client's allies to share any experiences or emotions.
The ceremony ends with the closing of the sacred circle and the thanking of the allies present. It is proper for the client to bring giveaways (small gifts) for the practioner, the drummer, and for the client's allies who attended.
AftercareModern shamanic healing arts are largely similar to the ancient techniques, with the important inclusion of therapy-based aftercare. It is highly recommended that the client attend several therapy sessions to assist in the process of "reintegration". Often soul parts have returned that were lost years prior, and the client must patiently explain to these sould parts how the client's life has changed in the intervening years. One client of soul retrieval compared the integration period to "leading a school field trip with earlier version" of himself. This client recounted tales of explaining the layout of his current city to his soul parts, explaining current events, and describing the nature of his current personal life.
Part of the integration process may include setting boundaries with newly returned soul parts. For example, a soul part returning from adolescence, before a client became a vegetarion, might crave meat. This client would have to explain the nature of his or her new diet to the soul part, and negotiate a proper bondary.
Most importantly, it is necessary to be tender with newly returned soul parts, and with yourself. These soul parts left due to some traumatic event. It is likely that feelings surrounding that event will surface, and that these should be dealt with in a responsible and respectful manner. One of the ways to do this is to build altars in your living space to the ages of the soul parts which returned, or to the Power Animals and allies who may have stepped forward during your healing work.
Summary The healing work of soul retrievals and extraction work is based in a long tradition of shamanic medicine work, from many cultures around the globe. According to Hank Wesselman, a researcher into the nature of shamanic healing, "By using the shamanic method, each person is gifted with their freedom, their sovereignty, and their right to develop spirituality. In doing so, each of us becomes our own teacher, our own priestess or priest, our own prophet, enabling us to receive spiritual revelations directly fro the highest sources - ourselves" (Wesserman 21).
- Wesselman, Hank, Ph.D. The Journey to the Sacred Garden: A Guide to Traveling in the Spiritual Realms. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2003
just breathe
mia brings me dreams in baskets made of stars.
she silently chants ancestor music,
freezing words in
north star constellations to guide me home.
i now sing
pomegranate songs,
each breath a seed burning new lights in tomorrow's memory.
volcanoes
these last nights and days have been swollen with neccesarry conversations--beginings and endings. and now i am finished. i have shed the last of my skin here. we are constantly melting/bumping/distracting/loving into each other. we are ever evolving and involving ourselves into our highest manifestations of self.
NAMASTE to you. the Divine in me truly recognizes and honors the Divine in you. It also reflects my own light inside, illuminating what i truly want and need from you, from me...from the world. and if you cannot or will not be what or who i need you to be--i must leave this juncture immediately.
"...and i beg what i love and leave to forgive me..." because i truly love you. i miss your light and laughter. but i see both of you reflected on either side, telling me your stories, convincing me to open up my heart, bow down my head and welcome in a relationship/world view that comprimises all that i am, all that i have reconstructed myself to be. and i will not do such things ever
again
. i have grown too much through the broken concrete of my heart. i have turned my face to the sunshine once again and nothing else will bring me back to the storm.
"what i am to you is not real. what i am to you, you do not need. what i am to you is not what you mean to me. you give me miles and miles of mountains and i ask for the sea."i have been down both roads before and i know where they lead. my journey thus far has brought me to the crystal blue sea and you throw yourself in front of me. if you want to go past this point, you must know to swim and i will not instruct you any further. i breathe underwater, create worlds in lands you've never even dared to dream. you can follow me to the edge of the sea, but your lava will not penetrate me any longer. i can breathe without fire, without burning myself on your words.
i am the moon's daughter, sister of
gaia. i live in the bottom of your deepest desires, but you have not given me life. you do not know or understand my light. i am past illumination with you and regardless of how hard you try, you will never see my foundation. do not try to capture me in a bottle. i do not fit in your thoughts. we will share our love when your banks meet my shore but please know that
i am greater than anything you can ever hold with both hands.
l.
magic
last night i woke up to myself, saw the Divine in myself, birthed myself into new days...last night i became myself again, walked on water and rejoyced in my new beauty again. we are all one breath, one magic pulse beating between thoughts. there is nothing that seperates us, nothing that ever creates difference between us...
there are no words to describe last night's magic. big ups and southside shoutouts to all the sisters who showed up, energetically and physically, to bless the space. and the circle continues, expanding into the limitless light of the horizon. let us continue to reflect beauty, celebrate Light and love all that is...
i love you so true. thank you for you.
blessings and light,
l.
the healing pt. 1
i need to speak. i need to share my voice and move from my heart because it hurts. yes, i am a healer but now i understand that right now my journey isn't about me intentionally facilitating a healing for anyone else. it's about me sitting with myself and mending my own heart. and that is only the beginning. but it is the First and Most Essential step on the journey. if i am not fully immersed, committed and surrendered in that process, the rest is irrelevant. i cannot be a healer if my soul is not first nourished and hydrated.
as i continually focus my attention on the light, the pain in my heart disappears. i am so loved by God, the Source, the Universe. i am so loved for and as all that i am. there is no wrong or right here. we are all perfect, whole and complete and i choose to continue being rooted in love.
and now my heart doesn't hurt anymore. more than anything else, i know that it is all about love. it's not about a career. it's not about rushrushrush to achieve something before i'm 28...32...46...50! (what's the fear that life ends after 50?) focusing on that is not my path. although i'm continuously bombarded with the seduction of a linear life, i know in my heart that it is not for me. it's only when i believe i am not enough that that i find myself in fear and pain. i create this fear when i believe that i am somehow flawed--that there is something i must do, be or achieve in order to be "worthy". i create reasons to affirm this fear but neither they nor my fear are real. the only thing that is real is love. there is no reason to fear age or death or endings or competition or "better than" because yes, mortality is finite, but LIFE, my dear friend, is eternal.
i have full permission to celebrate, accept and love all of who i am in this given moment. i don't have to understand anything. there is no time when it all "clicks," when we "get it" and then "deserve" acceptance and love. we are all that we are and ever will be in this exact moment. and i choose to love everything, warts, hairy chin and all.
i'm ready to be surrounded by elders, wize women and men, sages, gurus and teachers. i'm ready for sacred space where i am learning, lifting and pushing myself in each moment. and while every person i meet is my teacher, and each moment offers an opportunity for growth, i am now ready to be swallowed whole, to release myself from clinging to the embankment and allow the current of the Universe to take me where it will. i surrender into the breath of magic and healing love, the birth of water and trees...i am ready for the plunge.
"Out beyond the ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there." --Rumi
with the pheonix's love, laughter and light,
l.
grrr...
oh my heart is hurting again and i don't know why. it's a sharp pain like i used to feel after months of emotional torture with e. but there isn't a finger to point now...so i'm really being mindful to check in and see what's going on with me. what am i thinking about? what am believing and holding onto? through what filter am i seeing the world?
i've got anxiety in my gut just circulating, bubbling over. i'm feeling really compressed by the ideas of mortality and life. as jalylah and i touched on last week, mortality is finite and life is eternal. but it fucks me up and breaks my heart to think about how many of my beloved and dear friends i've lost so early in this life cycle. and i don't live a high risk lifestyle and neither did they. car accidents, drownings, dis-ease, surgery...i haven't given myself time, space or permission to fully grieve all of their deaths. after rashad's passing, i didn't want to go through another process like that again. and so as others have come and gone, i still find myself in the process of missing them and being angry at the whole damn thing.
i cannot believe that amina is gone. i just don't. it pisses me off and i don't want to accept it. her spirit is so tangible. i can feel her energy and hear her laughter. i remember our time together at the million women march and she hugged EVERYBODY she saw. i hold memories of us like fragile butterfly wings, pressed in books to preserve their color. our lives were so intertwined for so long...one of my first spirit sisters in the auc. she is one of my beloveds and i want us to have more time together. i want to hold and hug her again. i want to practice yoga and fast together again. i want to bask in the glow of her beauty again. in my dreams i see her, she shows up as gold thread weaving us all together in the spirit of love, connection, healing and the joy of life. i know she is around me. i know she is holding my hand and laughing with me. but it's hard sometimes. it's hard to love people and just have them gone without my consent. i miss them so, so much. i miss my beloveds.
and so i offer love on the altar of my heart to my known ancestors: amina, rashad, brenda, lenord, quinten, kiminita, mienjoy, misty, amirah, nana, papa, ms. harper. i ask Spirit to help me accept the eternal and infinite cycle of life. i ask for help being gracious in the face of change and mortality. i solicit a spirit of fluidity.i know that everything happens in Divine order and i give myself permission to feel all of what i'm feeling. i release anger, resentment and resistance. i celebrate the full beauty of life.
love and joy,
l.
and that's how we do it on the west sizzle
so my bday went off without a hitch, thank the lordy bee! without a word from my sweet little lips, my grams and uncle decided they didn't want to go to chuch and i was oh too pleased. my mom, pops, grams, uncle, sister, brother, sister-in law, nieces, and nephew all gathered round in celebration of mother's day and my bday. after a nice ginger bubble bath and nap, i got over my initial grumpy funk and and joined the crowd for a gleeful evening into night gathering. there was laughter and books and food and money-filled cards exchanged. it ended up feeling like a wonderfully intimate birthday, which was very nice mind you.
pops hooked up the grub, mama made an amazing crunchy pound cake with STRAWBERRIES and WHIPPED CREAM! and i ate much more than i was hungry for. as a matter of fact, this early morning leaves me still a little full, although i still feel the rumble in the jungle. hmm...why do i sometimes eat when i'm just not hungry? i think i figured out an answer to this interesting question sometime last week when i was stuffing my face with some unneccesarry evil--i mean carbohydrate.
when i'm feeling a sense of anxiety, or a lot of circulating energy in my solar plexis, food is an immediate way to calm the comotion and relax me. some of this energy comes from just thinking about things (ie my future) a little too damn much. but what i've also discovered is that there is a lot of old, stored energy that just needs a place to go. food is only masking the feeling, temporarily soothing it so that i don't feel uncomfortable.
now, i'm learning to distinguish the movement of energy from real hunger. focused meditation, deep ujayii breaths, chanting, walking and being outside really help me to get back into my body and harness the energy, moving in one direction. it gives me a way to work with it instead of surpressing it. and this is very good. workig out is really important too. it helps me stay focused, get back into my body and out of my frikken mind cuz i think and process and analyze too damn much!! i'm working on it though and that is also very good.
i'm so excited to get where i'm going and do what i'm here to do. there is still so much more i need to learn. like, what exactly will i teach in workshops? what is my schtick exactly? what am i really going to do with all the stuff i intuitively know and believe? i know i need to uncover and recover so much knowledge that i've somehow forgotten or distracted myself from. that's step one. the subsequent steps are about learning more information and figuring out how to channel it in a specific direction. i've got some of the pieces of the puzzle, i've just got to put it together.
for at least the next 2 (-3) years while i'm in school and building SisterFire!, i need to have a pretty consistent bread and butter that's in alignment with my vision, passion and purpose. i need to continue building my skillset. i need to be traveling, teaching youngsters and/or women, facilitating, speaking...learning all these things that i need to know on someone else's bill. there's a lot that i need to sharpen my teeth on and i'm really ready for someone to pay me to do it! then, when the time is right, i'll spread my wings and fly away, to a place that i long for...i mean i'll spread my wings and do SisterFire! as a full-time gig. Ahhh...the magic of it all...of course my ideal is to be in the bay, so i'm looking there but i'm going wherever Spirit tells me to go. and that's the end of that.
love and light and amazing food,
l.
earthday 2005
so, today is my day--in 3 hours, i will have been on this here urf for 26 years. and it's a good thing too. i wanted to wake up this morning to strawberries and cream breakfast in bed. instead i woke up on my parent's couch hungry. my mom wants me to go to church with her and my grandmother but i went last week at their request and i really don't want to go today. i don't enjoy dressing up for the negros of mt. zion baptist church. but i know it would mean a lot to my grams. at the same time i want to be very self-focused to today since today is my damn day anyway!!
i really don't want to help anyone get ready. i want to be pampered and taken care of. but i guess i could reach out my own self-gratifying honeypot and help the fam. it's so damn slick around here, like if i accidentally spend the night (a la last night) or stay a little longer than i anticipated, i get caught up being a third pilar holding up the house. this is not my idea of a good time. and i kinda resent the expectation that my time is free simply because it's requested that it be so. grrrr....
am i being selfish? probably so. but there is some cyclic expectation here that once it's met, never gets satisfied--there's always another guilt-laced favor to ask for, something else to do, another gap to fill-in. i don't like, want or need to be part of that expectation. it's a g.damn heavy burden and i just want to be relationships and have people take responsiblility for themselves. co-dependency is for the mother-friccken birds. i want love-based relationships where we're taking resposibility for ourselves and are open to complimenting and connecting in the process. that's where true strength comes from.
and i'm not saying that we won't or don't need things from people, but to expect others to do what we "need" done just so we can play or whatever, is not really a healthy expectation. and i feel like i've been inside of it for quite a while. guilt is a killer around here man. and it is frequently used to get things done.
i just really want to enjoy my birthday, instead i feel like it's overshadowed by mother's day and my mother's want for assistance. we'll see how it works out. i'm sure i can use my agency some way and enjoy it all.
peace out.
well, thank the lordy bee!
i've been hiding from blogger because there has been an essential conversation that i needed to have. and now i've had it. and goodness me, that was crucial.
i am incredibly comfortable with confrontation and think conflict is essential to healthy relationships. i often wonder why others are uncomfortable with conflict, are they intimidated by the idea of confrontation, loss or just being "wrong"? why do we hide from the fullness of what we're feeling? are we afraid of permenantly disconnecting?
my comfort is probably rooted in growing up in a house of verbally explosive and unhealthy conflict--it created a need in me to put conflict or issues on the table with the intention of resolving them and coming out with a solution. most of my closest relationships have been with people with whom i've had conflict. now mind you, i don't search for it and i don't really enjoy it, but i know that is more important to work through something than pretend it doesn't exist.
my beloved j.breezy and i have had three fights in our lives: the first one in the fifth grade (neither one of us remembers what it was about), the second one in the eight grade on a tour bus in france and the third one just now. 17 years is a long time to just have three conflicts. and we've worked it out. it's like a million ton weight being lifted off of my shoulders and my heart. there's nothing like loving a friend with everything you've got. that's how i love my sister j. "dodo brown". and it was really hard for me when the rift was so deep. i'm glad we made up. it's like being married i guess--in a long distance, rarely see each other, but eternal love abounds kinda way.
what on earth would i do without her? so yeah, maybe sometimes i pretend she's a superhuman real person. or maybe i just see, know and celebrate her for all that she is. her silences are often more telling than her words. i listen closely to hear what she's not saying. i know when she doesn't like my shopping selections or thinks that i'm being rude, but what else is happening beneath the surface? maybe one day i'll know. maybe not. either way, i love her perfect, whole and complete in the meantime.
love,
me
