niblets of truth
*
sesame street is the american institution that i trust the most.
* i love
my job.
* i am living more in my purpose and it feels jucier than i could have ever imagined.
* things are unfolding perfectly. and boy/girl/boi and i'm glad about it!
* it's hard out here for a beautiful brown womyn in seattle. (not really, but the self-pity sounded kinda cute. but just kinda...)
* someone i didn't even know in high school told me that my high school (into college) boyfriend was "hot". aparently it was secretly part of his reputation among the white girls at the
prep school we attended. i didn't even know such a thing was true. i would pop my collar if a)i had one b)it was still cool to do.
* i'm facilitating a day-long retreat tomorrow with my (100) students and small group facilitators. i'm on my way! yeah buddy!
* my niece is the cutest in the wholeentireuniverse, ever in my wholeentirelife!
* i've taken up the habit of writing blog posts and then not posting them until later. they are still posted in their original place, even if something has already been written after it. most of time they're a little more raw than my traditional posts. i wonder if anyone ever reads them...
*
secrets of the young and successful is changing my life. thanks courtney. (i'm about to blow upppp!--that statement is only cute if you know what movie/tv show i'm referencing. unfortunately, i don't really remember where it came from. if you do, 10 cool points for you. please put a sista on.)
* and that's all for right now. have a luscious weekend. (fascinating fact: did you know that "luscious" used to be one of my nicknames? okay. wipe that look of mock surprise off of your face. you know i'm one luscious shutyomouth!)
love you!
l'
i b taurus
TAURUSI predict that you will soon hook up with the "wrong" helpers. They will nudge you down an unexpected path that results in you getting tests you didn't even know you needed. I also suspect that without much assistance from anyone, you will make one of your best "mistakes" of 2005. Congratulations in advance, Taurus, for being receptive to the blessings in disguise.
(see 'reese...this cycle must end somewhere...let's pray it's over there...(imagine a kanye west "gold digger" backwards neck snap))
haha.
love,
me
hip-hop, ya don't stop! (but it might be a good idea to change directions)
i've written this post twice but due to unforeseen computer drama, it got erased twice. here is the least poetic, most concise version of what i was tryin' to say:
hip hop is in a hot, shitty mess horrible state of affairs.this is what
ani has to say:
serpentineand the music industry mafia is pimping girl power
sniping off their sharp shooter singles from their styrofoam towers
and hip hop is tied up in the back room
with a logo stuffed in its mouth
cuz
the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house fuel...except all the radios agree with all the tvs
and all the magazines agree with all the radios
and i keep hearing that same damn song everywhere i go...
people used to make records
as in a record of an event
the event of people playing music in a room
now everything is cross-marketing
its about sunglasses and shoes
or guns and drugs
you choose
this is what
esthero has to say:
we R in need of a musical revolutionI'm calling all creators in the movement
It's time to offer a solution to the dilution of what we love
And the greats would be so disappointed
'Cause
we've sold our souls for what we don't own anymore...
ain't that the truth girl...but what are WE saying cuz i don't we don't believe
this madness. hip-hop used to be about revolution and truth and real voices. now it's about bling and selling things and bullcraznap. i remember independent black radio stations before everything (read: BET, VH1, MTV, radio, magazines) was owned by the same company. i remember when black culture and our music meant something before pricetags determined our worth. (but if we want to go a little deeper, which you know i always want to, when was that ever really a time? it's more like we just did our thing independently and "mainstream" media did theirs. now it's all one, literally.)
so
last night was good. it reminded me why i used to love her and why i don't any more. but it was sponsored by T-MOBILE and STARBUCKS. do you see what i'm saying? is kanye really the best thing that hip-hop has to offer? if so, that's really saying a whole hell of a lot about the sad state of affairs. nothing is centralized any more. where is our hope? how can i create change in such a powerful and detached entity? it hurts my heart to even describe hip-hop as such...
i am thoroughly enjoying vh1soul's flashback hip-hop marathon. oldy but goodies that i completely forgot about. today i say "ladies first," "oochie coochie," countless public enemy and krs1. kid n play. nwa. mc lyte. pac. it wan't even that long ago that we had a real voice...
love,
me
resolution
years ago,
a dear friend of mine asked me if my mum wasn't so disconcertingly disapproving, would i eventually choose a side. and i said no. this is simply the beautiful and tender space that i occupy. i could not rightfully choose a side and be honest to my whole self. i could instead be an ambiguous member of both worlds, never really belonging to either. yesterday, as i was sitting and staring at the tele, i finally came fully into myself, comfortable to be a citizen of two nations. for forever i thought that by acknowledging my dual-citizinship, i would be a sellout to one but the truth is, i am what and all that i am. there is liberation in this box of boxes. in this little label that enables me to choose more freely the way i will move through the world.
but i wonder, am i growing slowly into a mutant version of myself? the longer i stay with my family, the less and less i feel like my real self. i am more invested in reacting and protecting and keeping myself safe. where is the fucking spontanaity? where is my creativity? it is no fair that
young white women should have all of the fun...oooohh...
i want painted doors and handmade things. i want to throw pottery and take a few lovers. i want glitter in my bathtub and my sweet kitty to purr me to sleep. i want a garden that is tended by someone else. i want big wildflowers from the market as secret surprises on my doorstep and if not that, i at least want a sweet apartment that surprises me with serenity and comfort when i arrive. i want to bathe in nag champa smoke and listen to erykah's first cd on repeat. i want yoga at 6 am and sisterfriends to dance with until the club closes. i want warm days without choas and a cohesive family unit. i want full nights of sleep and views of some water and some woods.
"this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel"
-ani difranco
who thought that in my mid-twenties i would be here?
(oh shit L'Erin. get over it. the grass is not always greener. what happened to 'bloom where you're planted'? what happened to 'be here now'? you can create what you want here until it's time to go. you can create the beautiful life that you dream of right here and right now. you've got a job you love. you're moving into an incredible apartment on the first. the rest is really up to you. use your resources. bloom where you're planted. soak in the sun. create the spaces you want to occupy. be a force of love and healing in your family and take care of yourself at the same time. this life is yours for the taking. live! live! live! and stop complaining. talk to the cutie with the tats. exchage digits. go on a date. or read a book and build a website. or plan your trip or love on yourself or make a date with amanda. call someone back for christ's sake. there is no time for such navel gazing. ridiculous i say! you are the only change agent in your life. get to movin'! this insomnia is for the birds. you must sleep. eat. pray. nurture yourself. you are too big for this nonsense. get out and get something. be something more than your thoughts. life is too precious for this use of your energy. become all that you are. manifest your life into love. bloom. grow. change. become. and let the rest go.)
love,
me
juicy
i met the juiciest man the other day. his light was so radiant and contageous. i couldn't help but to be shifted in the process of our conversation. i asked him what enabled him to be so bright, so radiant. i wanted to know if it was a consistent thing or if i had just caught him on a good day. and you know what this dear, enlightening soul said to me? he said,
"it's a choice. i choose the choice in each and every moment. i know what it feels like to choose othewise and i don't like it. so i've decided to be joyful and spread the love in each moment. each moment i make the decision." wow. this man opened my life to love manifested. consistent. tireless. pure. he reminded me of what i strive for. and it's hard sometimes. particularly in a family that sometimes feels like it's unravelling at the seams. sometimes when words are so violent and painful that i just shut down and crawl away into a silent room to avoid further contact. the choice is in each moment. i am creating my own experience. yes sir. it's true. thanks for the reminder.
ties that bind parts 2 & 3
part 1part 2 it is the same reason i bought
those jelly beans. to taste poison, to build immunity. i will remember it on my tongue when the real death comes. there is something rewarding about eating doses of death. it enables me to prepare for what is next to come, to love myself through the war knowing that i have already endured the worse. i am often torn between what i want to became and what i could have been. there is jewel-laced breath, panic passion golden threads binding my tongue. i breathe semi-precious love, stringing my words together in symbolic decoration.
there are pulse words that give me hope, bedroom hideaways beneath the stairs that rescue me from wrath. i have prepared for these days, layering pain on top of pain until i am petrified into a fossil of myself. earth cannot be washed away by this water. it is simply moved to new locations, creating new structures to be destroyed and rebuilt in sand.
where does it all go? does it fade magically into my skin, directing me towards who i will become? i do not want to continue swallowing poison, building up reserves in my stomach. i want penguin skin, slickback and immune to it all. i do not want to become a source of such pain.
i carry stones behind my ear and beneath my toes. i carry your words, the slicing devices that cut too deep for me to feel. i carry you, bound to my back , incessantly chattering, masquerading as lovers and friends and teachers. you are the voices that haunt me in my sleep. you are the blind journey that i do not want to take.
where is the off ramp? i am ready to change directions.
part 3i will slow down enough to breathe and build and ride bikes with baskets. i will spend the next five years traveling but i will always be on a journey of my own. creating the path i want to live, developing each step beneath my feet. there is a new path to be lived here. i feel its vitality. i am its breath, the lungs of all that will be. i am resolved to be the author of this tale, to spin a new story, to live myself into a beautiful new tomorrow.
ashe.
thanks god. and so it is.
the aftermath
there will never be anyone else to save you. s/he will never come. you are your own deliverer.oh god. isn't that what jesus was supposed to do?
they say jesus came to save from sin. i'm most concerned about saving you from yourself.
some of my favorite song lyrics
One Week"Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt" --
Barenaked LadiesBoth Hands"I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands"--Ani DiFranco
We R in Need of a Musical Revolution"I'm calling all creators in the movement
It's time to offer a solution to the dilution of what we love
And the greats would be so disappointed
'Cause we've sold our souls for what we don't own anymore...
Tell me why....
A grown man can RAPE a little girl
but we STILL hear his SHIT on the radio
A grown-ass man can videotape a little girl
but we still see his mug up on our video screens?"
Breath From Another"Don't compromise what's gold
For the soul you never sold
For the soul you never sold, no, no
So, I follow you down this road
Well you try but you can't let go so
So hold on to years ago"
Swallow Me"The slowest melodies coated me
Soothing rhythms stoked the fire in my belly
Music is the man that made a woman out of me
The purest voices call to me
Deafening as the cry of ten thousand babies
Music was the lamb that made a lion out of me--
Estheolyricslove,
me
this is what race looks like...
i will not explain myself. and that's just the truth. i seek solace in autonomy. and it all makes sense why folks be raising kids the way they do. or at least it makes sense now why my mama and the rest of the village raised us the way that they did. and other folks' parents raised them too. i ain't got time to be raisin' folks and let them know what it means to be a black woman. good lawd ahmercy, are you serious? not my job. there is a very present irritation that lives beneath my skin. oh. now i get it. diary of a mad black woman. please. in this world, just ask any one...payin' attention to these crazy folk out here, any of us could be called mad.
and i love my job. so much.
love,
l'
my love,
sark, the author of so many books that i have obsessed about has written this in her monthly e-letter. i encourage everyone to follow her marvelous idea and add some love to this whole contraption. every little bit counts....
love,
me
Dear Caring Souls,
In America our hearts, souls, and physical selves are traveling to the Gulf Coast, and all the areas so affected by Hurricane Katrina. In other parts of the world, too, we are called to see and to help.
In all of this, love floods in. Billions of miracles are being generated all over the world each day in response to nature and unnatural disasters. In the midst of this love and these miracles, there is also frustration, helplessness, and blame. Love floods in there, too. We can communicate about all of our feelings and can take new action and create change. In chaos, and crisis, people are waking up, and speaking up, more than ever before.
I can feel the strength of love building and faith intertwining.
Also, crisis brings change, and it’s often agonizing to experience these changes. We need each person creatively thinking and taking action.
I know that the 30,000+ souls who receive this eLetter are all doing innovative and creative things to offer food, clothing, shelter, or cash to assist. I will add links for this purpose, too. Here at Planet SARK we’re putting up a donation link and special offer for subscribers to contribute.
We are also launching “Letters of Support and EnCOURAGEment” and are asking for you to contribute. Here’s how it works: There is a great need for joy and encouragement long after clothing and cash have been distributed. I remember when my mom was in a nursing home, and I asked for people to send mail. My mom received thousands of pieces of mail, many of which were put up on her walls, and other nursing home residents would visit to see and read the mail. My mother felt so supported and loved from receiving and reading this email.
Here at Planet SARK, we envision our creative community sending mail for those souls affected by the hurricane. A few short sentences written in bright colors can travel so far. To preserve your privacy, please do not put your return address or other identifying information in your letter, and this also eliminates the need for recipients to respond.
Please send your snail mail marked “Letters of Support and EnCOURAGEment” to Planet SARK, PO Box 330039, San Francisco, CA, 94133, and we’ll take care of forwarding them on to people who need them.
Thank you in advance, and we’ll let you know about the mail that comes in.
in the end i just let it go...
to requited love unfulfilled:mum asked about you tonight. it's been months, she said, since she heard your voice. i told her stories laced in guilt, confessing my self-absorption and poor management of your love. i still wonder how you are, confident that the right and only decision was made. i miss you. you still have something that i want to hold. it is your love. i know, i know...that is the most repeated version of my truth for you. there are endless apologies owed i'm sure. more and more poetic ways that i can scrape myself across coals in our name. in the end, it will always be the same--me walking away and you standing, arms extended, waiting for me to return. i'm sorry...i will eventually let go of it all, step out from behind the mask of guilt and just accept the divine order of it all. until then, i'll finish this letter in my head.
to the shaman:i will write you letters, close them in stamped envelopes, folding them delicately into pockets beneath my pillow. i will dream of you and me telling straight no chaser truths without concern about how they are received. i will hold you close to my healing self, sharing tempertantrum four year old stories. i will love you forever, always wondering if my unsolicited advice was too heavy for the stormed waves between us. i will eventually let go of it all, knowing that you still love me (and i of course you), no longer caring if we are ever able to show it again. i will kiss the corners of my night dreams, praying that something heals your heart and brings you back home to yourself.
to north star galactic:i have let you go. dreamed you into a new place. i have celebrated and surrendered. thank you for six patient years of company. you will be my foreverandever.
to the quiet one inside:you are the secret that no one tells. let it all go and just live the heartbeat. their breath is irrelevant without your light.
things i want to share...
i don't know this woman but,
her blog, inspires me. and she's purdy.
this season of
america's next top model is going to be fun. some cuties. a
"full-blown" lesbian,
a hot mama with lots of fun hair and a great harlem accent...i would still be on the show if they asked, but the screaming and crying might get on my nerves. (please know that i'm frontin' cuz i'd be screamin' and cryin' with the best of 'em at first. then i'd bring the noize like the ferocious diva on wheels that i am! haha...).
i got the apartment! i move in on the first!! yeah!
i like
tyra's new show even though it's a little cheezy. but the world needs some real touchyfeely stuff right now so i'm glad she's around doing her thugthizzle.
i had a supersweet dream that i kissed a good friend of mine. i think it's been a dormant, secret crush for a long time. the denial was deep and my subconscious finally just said, "f*ck it L'Erin! get it together!" not really an active crush at all, but i think we'd have great kisses and even better sex.
i've gained 12-15 pounds since april. i guess that's what happens when i stop exercising and just eat random food (read: bread, sweets, flour, sugar) with limited water. hmph. imagine that. i'm still fly. don't get it twisted. (and no, i did not get that from
the girl on america's next top model. i've been sayin' such lingo for manymany moons now.)
my apartment is going to be right fly and mighty cute. i'm really, really excited about it.
people talk yadayadayada about money. but i know it's a tool (just like education, nationality, language...) that can be used to create goodness. i know it's a slippery slope and a mighty fine endless discussion but i just got to say, when you got bread/dinero/cheeze/l'argent, you can do things like donate $10M to the katrina fund without blinking an eye. (a la my girl
oprah). and yeah, capitalism (i'm still not much of a fan), etc. but living in this capitalistic society, it can be pretty useful in the case of an emergency such as this...
i am learning how to be an adult, or at least act like it on occasion...
i'm growing my hair out and watching christian television from time to time. some of them have some really good stuff to say. i really like this one woman who was a big deal for a long time then went away cuz her ego was gettin' all big and now she's back being humble and gettin' it together. she even cut off her hair and everything. no, it ain't erykah, lauryn or india. i don't remember her name but she be breakin' it down (to the ground).
i cannot really express how much i miss
SisterFire! or the community that it created and sustained. it's the time when i know that i'm in my groove, when i know i'm making a difference and using my gifts. i hate being distracted by the idea of trying to use my gifts to make money. and yeah, yeah, as i stated earlier, i'm living in a capitalist society where that mindset is sometimes required but i hate it (sometimes). i just want to read books, travel, sit on the beach, snuggle with friends, facilitate SisterFire! all over the world. why money? why can't everything just be free? oh...i miss it so much. and i'm so glad it's still going on. thank you ladies. from the bottom of my big, sweet heart. it's gonna happen soon enough i'm sure. but that was real magic. serious mojo i must say.
that's all for right now. thanks for reading.
love,
me
this is what i look like smiling with beautiful folks that i love...
'reese, me,
bettinajudd
tha seeya, me,
sweetT
an ex-lover of mine used to get freaked out and ask me to look away when i gazed deeply with my big brown eyes. a lot of fear rose up from somewhere hidden, trying to keep me distracted from looking beneath and beyond...fear that i would see things that were not prepared to be exposed.
when i was born, my now blind grandmother baptised me with the words, "that baby has been here before." how she knew is beyond me as old school grams doesn't speak of past lives and such. she doesn't talk about astrology or ancestors or constellations sending us messages. she doesn't talk or listen to animals, trees or the music of the wind. and yet my grandmother could see the lives that i had lived before in order to bring me here now.
as i hold an old slide to the light, i now see what she saw. an old, ancient soul, peering out from behind the beautiful, big, brown eyes of a two month old baby. there is no hesitation. no question of reality or my responsibilities here on earth. there is a steady knowing, a comfortable preperation for the work that was to come.
i have always loved my eyes, always been given compliments by folks who note them as the key feature on my face. and i do see deep levels of knowingness and energies that are sometimes difficult for me to name. my skin crawls with the idea that i have ever hidden, conformed or shifted in order to make others comfortable with my fullness.
that ex was the only person who ever asked me to look away when my eyes got too close to the truth. eventually i walked away when the truth got too illusive. i've learned so much preciousness from that broken and sweet relationship and most importantly i've learned to keep looking, knowing that layers upon layers exist beneath the surface visible only to my naked eyes.
love,
l'
there are some things that i miss
oh...what do i miss?
afrekete meetings when everyone in the whole entire auc and everyone in atlanta between 18-26 came through and created mad ruckus and dramatic nonsense, but facilitated a space of community and "we're all in this togetherness".
i miss being around friends who i lovelovelove.
i miss dressing up for formal occasions and buying formal dresses just because i liked them, knowing that a double dose of prom, tolo, olot, winter ball, etc. would be coming just around the corner.
i miss holding hands with my friends and not thinking twice about anything other than how much i loved them.
i miss getting my hair washed and pressed every week at
maude's hair design (actually i just miss the negro women's camaraderie in seattle at the beauty shopness).
i miss being vegan (sometimes).
i miss what it felt like to be a first year student at
spelman in 1997 before the blingeration that is now the auc and atlanta. i miss riding the
marta at night to yinyang with piper,
teck, weone and company. i miss both the 'bomb clique' and the 'nappy crew'. i miss wearin' sweats and bein' hollered at with, 'wudup shawt. what yo name is?' oh i smile at the thought. i love the
purple people and being obsessed with
erykah badu and lesley makin' fun of me and gettin' surprise monetary gifts from adults just for being in college.
oh these things...
and as i write, the truth is, i'm truly comfortable and happy in the now. i don't really
miss them. i do enjoy the memories and i know that those were some pretty awesome times in my life. i truly enjoyed it all. and while the last few years at spelman seemed to have colored my the memory of my entire experience with activism, women's studies, big mama, sisterfire!, afrekete and such, i do remember the times when i was krunk (before krunk was a word) to go to kaya (before it was visions) and sweat (still not rubbin' all up on folks). i remember when the dorm parties in lower manley really were the truth and girls basically got beat down (well, almost) at freshman week. i remember my bebe dresses (i STILL love bebe(s))--for those who like to incorrectly add 's' to the end of store names. i remember when i actually enjoyed market friday (before it became a meat market).
but what i really miss can't be described in words. it's an energy, an experience of community and music and dancing and love and life. it was something of celebration and freedom. consciousness and the desire to grow. it was building with
five-percenters who really knew how to carry on a conversation. it was talking with folks who were doin' big things moving and shaking in the wild, magical, wonderful world of the atl music scene before
coke, commercialism/commodification, and
blingeration took over. oh my! it's
funkjazzkafe, the revival,
chocolate soul...it's a taste, a sense of community, a love come together...but why am i trying to describe it? if you were there, you feel me. if not, just imagine a social life with all your dreams come true...
and yes, i am one for nastalgia, but i really don't have a longing for those days. that's not what this is about. i give my school and atl rearin' a mighty grateful head nod. i know that it raised me in a way that seattle just wasn't equipped to do. and i look fondly on those times like i do my older brother or another parental unit who took me under their wing when my mother had done all she could.
so, i'm sending atl a smile. with all of its' wonderful and ridiculous beauty. thank you. thank you for helping me become the beautiful and glorious womyn i am today. i truly couldn't have gotten here without you.
love always,
l'
there are things that i believe.
love is one of them.
so is black and white photography, raw, organic foods, hand holding, truth telling, sisterfire! i believe in sisterhood and jalylah. i believe in my mother's love, patience and diligence. i believe in god/desses. i believe we always, always KNOW what we know. i believe that monthly menses are blessings. i believe in tears and salt rubs and confessions. i believe that i'm beautiful.
and that magic is beneath the surface, moving in subtle places with no name or memory. i believe i've been jealous of you. i believe i create what i live. i believe in the power of my consciousness. i believe life is a gift. i believe crystal is one of tbe most beautiful, positive people i have ever known in my whole, entire life.
i believe that you love me. i believe that i needed to learn something important from erica. i believe that i pause in rememberance everytime i write her name. i believe in righteousness and liann and niani and nicole. i believe in the village. i believe that i will make them proud.
i believe that i will be fully beloved and lover to someone other than myself. i believe in sanctuary. and you. and your vision. i believe my ancestors love me and look out every time i pause between inhaling and exhaling.
i believe that sometimes your love makes me shy and i want to hide. i believe in the rainbow parachutes that i lifted up and ran beneath with my kindergarden class. i believe in stars and my soulmate sister *piper*sunshine*colemanscurry*. i believe in the yinyang years and spirituality, before and after it was trendy.
i believe in your healing apart from me. i believe we are all one.
love,
me
it is always time to cultivate the secret of joy.
i believe in abundance
there is a such thing as magic, as providence, as beauty and love and divinity. so much to say. i am growing/up/out/beyond. first things first. my job...it's good times on the boulevard, i must declare! give thanks and praises to the most high! i and i
jah rastafari! remember
this? well, point one happened again and again (thanks ladies!). and point two had just come to fruition. point three, well...you know i wasn't going hungry for long and i treated myself to point four when i finished my piece (not too long ago, thanks delaine and
jah for the editorial support and guidance!)
i am the Leadership Program Manager at
OneWorld Now!, an incredible two-year global leadership program for high school juniors and seniors in Seattle. We facilitate after school leadership training, provide Mandarin or Arabic lessons (depending on the student's choice) and offer study abroad opportunities. We're focused on youth of color and economically disadvantaged youth. I am in charge of developing and facilitating dynamic, creative, engaging leadership curriculum for our kids every week! WITH an international focus! on subjects that i'm passionate about and interested in to help them become GLOBAL LEADERS! did i mention that we go to MOROCCO and CHINA in the summer?
what have i been saying folks?!! i want someone to pay me to work with youth and travel. WHATWHAT!! the universe does not play! lemme tell you that much!! thanks to the highest heights!! oh lordybee this is good and it's just the begining. AND i'm working 25 hours per week, but getting paid what i got paid to work full-time at that
train wreck of a non-profit experience in atlanta. ohwee! aw sookee sookee now! this means i can get another part-time job, and save!save!save! for the next step of the dream!
i really give thanks to the Most High for such a blessing!
AND today, i found this amazing, secret two-room studio apartment in downtown seattle, three minutes WALKING from my
pioneer square job for $400/month INCLUDING utilties! nah! i ain't playing with y'all! (for those of you who don't know, prices like this, particularly in downtown seattle are deeply UNHEARD of). gracious! i can walk to work, yoga,
the waterfront!
so, please pray that my app. is accepted so i can move in soon. that means i can really, really save! and i've got an interview at
nordstrom's bobbi brown counter for part-time. and while i don't really dig on selling lipstick to folks any more (5 years at
M.A.C. was quite a lot), i did make good chedda at nordys and i can sell anything to anyone. another great way to make (and keep) bank for my vision of life!
things are coming together and i'm feelin' good, feelin' great! i am exactly where i'm supposed to be right now, moving my life
from margin to center. and that, more than anything else, feels absolutely AMAZING. i tell you, feminist knowing and theory is one thing, but actually choosing to move and live at the center of my life, as SUBJECT, not object, has been a very transformative, healing, life altering process. thank the goddesses for
bev and
bahati. what on earth, how on earth, who on earth would i be without them? goodness! i'm living. this is what it feels like to be alive, moving into my own fullness, standing on my own two feet.
yes. i had to hit rock bottom, time and time again. i had to learn that i'm not in charge, that no matter how i see or experience the world, it's neverever the full picture. and now i'm learning the art of surrender. this my dear loves is much greater than i ever could have imagined. thank god for the ride.
love always,
L'Erin
earth mother
i have a new job, which i completely love!! more and more details will come soon. at the moment, i'ma workin' so i can't really write. please know that my now co-workers and exec. director, before ever meeting me, nicknamed me 'mother earth'. imagine that! :) everyone in the office has an equally amusing and fitting nickname. now they see more of the full picture and know that it's part of me but not the whole slice, home skillet.
anyway, please check out
this program, it's absolutely incredible. i'm sure you'd want to work here too. i'm on path and so very grateful that life is unfolding as it is.
love, light and mucho gratitude for all your prayers,
l' 'mother earth' asantewaa
i be taurus
Taurus Horoscope for week of September 15, 2005
I don't recommend that you aim for perfection--not now or ever. I'm equally skeptical of you seeking enlightenment, as it's defined by Eastern religions. Perfection and enlightenment are downright impossible in a world where change is the only constant. What constitutes perfection or enlightenment today won't be valid tomorrow, when the truth has evolved and God has showered us with an influx of previously unimaginable new circumstances. No, Taurus, what I suggest is that you cultivate love with all your ingenuity--both the capacity to give it and receive it. There's no other undertaking that does more to build up your power and intelligence. And this week is an ideal time to be living proof of that fact.
well i declare! goodness!
love,
me
levee breaking
i have been holding up this wall since last week and my tears have finally brought it down. i was trying to build up a wall of defensive anger, righteous pissosity, victimized screaming,
"not again! see! they don't really care about us! we're human beings! we're real! we feel! somebody save us!!!"
and so i didn't want to watch the programming. i was sick of the news and the delivery and the disaster talk and the victimization and the ignorant respose. i was angry that 500 years later, we are still unwanted in this land. i was tired of the habitual inhumane treatment. i was tired of constantly wondering if and how my race, class, gender, partner and skin color impact the way people treat me...i was tired and pissed off and just feeling used and abused from this land of babylon.
then today i got it. while i had intellectualized what was happening in the gulf, i hadn't given it an opportunity to reach my heart. i knew that if i let down the wall and reached beyond anger, i would really feel the pain--mine, my ancestors, my sistren and bredren in the gulf and all over the world. if i really could really feel my anger and let it go, surrender it into the wind as an essential and useful gift. i could really grieve the loss and then let my grief go too. and so i did.
i was reminded of many things today--universal truths do not change when shit stinks. the universe is still divine. everything still happens in divine order. everything, every single little thing is still God. and while these may seem like abstract concepts, what it really means for me is this--no one is a "victim" of circumstance. we are all survivors. and bush and brown and yadayadayada are no more powerful in the big picture than a wind or a flower petal or a moose. i remembered that this moment is the point of power. what has come before is absolutely irrelevant.
"i am the source of all spiritual and material things. Everything emanates from me." --bhagavata vita (the hindu holy book)
"in the beginning there was god..."--the bible
and so being present to what IS is my commitment. from this point on, i will only focus on what is happening to heal, transform, enliven, support and rebuild the lives of those who have been impacted by the hurricane. no more bashing anyone. what's the use really? we all know who's bad news. i want to share and spread good news. i want to bring the highest light and thoughts and intentions and prayers to what's going on. i'm tired of the drama. people will choose to be drama-filled forever (particularly under this government's administration). so what? my people have never been able to depend on the government to have our backs and i'm not going to keep getting in a tizzy because they didn't come through once again. it's simply not productive or healthy or helpful, for anyone.
and so, the song's gone. it's now about surviving and building us up. nurturing ourselves and each other. bringing forward some powerful and loving light. i am not going to watch the news. i am not going to blame anyone else. i am working towards making their lives better. i am using my resources to be a support. i am focusing my mind and my heart on global transformation. nothing else deserves my attention or energy.
we can transform the world. and the reality is, we ARE transforming the world. our words create reality. our intentions build the next moments and shape our perception of the unfolding road. our mere presence and joy are healing. how are we choosing to use our individual and collective energy?
the past cannot and will not change. wishing it to be different will only make us crazy. this experience, like everything else in life, is a lesson and great opportunity to love even bigger and brighter and gentler than before--no matter what it looks or feels like.
and for that i am so grateful. let's continue spreading light by being it.
love always,
me
don't give up
currently playing peter gabriel's ditty, "don't give up". while it's not at all my favorite song, i know the words are right on and completely appropriate for where we are right now. thank you for it all...
In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I’ve changed my face, I’ve changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose
Don’t give up
’cos you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not beaten yet
Don’t give up
I know you can make it good
Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we’d be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn
Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up
We don’t need much of anything
Don’t give up
’cause somewhere there’s a place
Where we belong
Rest your head
You worry too much
It’s going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don’t give up
Please don’t give up
’got to walk out of here
I can’t take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river’s flowing
That river’s flowing
Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs
Don’t give up
’cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not the only one
Don’t give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are
Don’t give up
You know it’s never been easy
Don’t give up
’cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong
Life Changers
5 CDs that changed your life:
*Erykah Badu-Baduizm (I truly thought she was the next prophet)
*Janet Jackson-Rhythm Nation
*Ani DiFranco-Living in Clip
*Esthero-Breath from Another
*Me'Shell NdegeOcello-Plantation Lullabyes (this CD ties with many others, but it's at the top of the list)
5 Books that changed your life:
*Audre Lorde-Sister Outsider
*Audre Lorde-Zami
*Deepak Chopra-7 Spiritual Laws of Success
*Ntzoke Shange-For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf
*Louise L. Hay-You Can Heal Your Life (It ties with many others, but it's at the toptop of the list)
5 TV experiences that changed your life:
*Oprah's "Heal Your Life TV" phase--Good Lord Almighty!
*The Cosby Show and A Different World (pre-Whitley-DwaneWane)
*Blossom
*Wonder Woman
*FAME (it also ties with a whole bunch of other wonderful things...)
5 movie experiences that changed your life:
*Glory
*Beaches
*Annie
*The Color Purple
*The Game/Usual Suspects/...
Most Important thing you know:
*God is ALL.
Who said Hip-Hop was dead? (ok, it was me. i changed my mind though.)
This song is absolutely BRILLIANT!!!!!!! I'm about to blow outta my seat it's so amazing!! Good googaly moogaly!
And i got great news to share about my incredible new job, but I'ma let you juice on this for a minute and I'll tell you the rest a little later. Here are the lyrics...
GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE by K-OTIX
(to the beat of Kanye's "Gold Digger")
"George Bush doesn't care about Black people" (spoken by Kanye West)
I aint sayin' he's a gold digger, but he ain't messin' with no broke n*ggas
I aint sayin' he's a gold digger, but he ain't messin' with no broke n*ggas
George Bush don't like Black people (4x)
Hurricane came through, f*cked us up 'round here
Government actin' like it's bad luck down here
All I know is that you'd better bring some trucks 'round here
Wonder why I got my middle finger up 'round here
People's lives on the line, you declining the health
Since you takin' so much time,
we're surviving ourselves
Just me and my pets and my kids and my spouse
Trapped in my own house, looking for a way out
Five days in this motherf*ckin' attic
Can't use a cell phone, I keep getting static
Dyin' cuz they're lyin' instead of telling us the truth
Other day the helicopters got my neighbors off the roof
Screwed because they said they're coming back for us too
That was three days ago, I don't see no rescues
A man's got to do what a man's got to do
Since God made the path, then I'm trying to walk through
Swam to the store trying to look for food
But the store was kinda flooded so I broke my way through
I got what I could but before I got through,
The news said the police shot a Black man tryin' to loot
George Bush don't like Black people (4x)
I aint sayin' he's a gold digger, but he ain't messin' with no broke n*ggas
I aint sayin' he's a gold digger, but he ain't checkin' for no broke n*ggas
George Bush don't like Black people (4x)
Five damn days, five long days
And at the end of the fifth you walkin' in like, 'hey'
Chillin' on his vacation sittin' patiently
Them Black folks gotta hold, gotta wait and see
If FEMA really comes through in an emergency
But no body seems to have a sense of urgency
And now the mayor's been reduced to crying
I guess Bush said n*ggas been used to dyin'
He said, 'I know it looks bad, just have to wait'
We're gettin' folks too broke to evacuate,
N*ggas starvin' and they're dyin' of thirst,
I bet he had to go and check on them refineries first
Makin' a killin' off the price of gas,
He woulda been up in Connecticut twice as fast.
After all that we've been through, nothin's changed.
You can call Red Cross but the fact remains that
George Bush ain't a gold digger, but he ain't f*ckin' with no broke n*ggas
George Bush ain't a gold digger, but he ain't f*ckin' with no broke n*ggas
Come down Bush, come on, come down (4x)
George Bush don't like Black people (3x)
Come down Bush, come on, come down (4x)
all this thought
i used to be a dreamer. but more than a dreamer, a visionary. and i am still. i know there is an important fire in my heart. something vibrant and alive that feels like it is flickering. i am breathing hard in attempt to keep it awake and alive. and so i question so many folk (f*ck!! i KNOW that doesn't work for me...) and still have come up empty handed. i feel like my mind is one of those old lottery machines with the numbered balls in it. the blond, white woman rolls the handle until it's time and pulls out the right numbers...5-30-6-12-52. and then it all makes sense to someone sitting on a couch in the back of their stepmother's house pleading at the television, praying that their numbers are called.
that is my mind right now. full of ideas, visions, dreams bumping and bubbling around, waiting anxiously for the lid to be opened so that one, precious important image can be brought to fuition.
bahati tells me to go to school--get a phd--have someone else pay for me to travel and talk to girls and write down their stories. my mama tells me to get off her paycheck and while i'm trying to be as financially quiet as possible, i am still burrowing a bigger hole than i'd ever like to occupy. my coach tells me that i know how to travel and be in the world. she says i need to learn how to create a life somewhere...how to put my roots down and be responsible...live like the 20-something, post college person that i am. my brother says dreamers must be asleep in order to dream. i must be a planner instead. my father says, "pick up your bed and walk." my mentor tells me, 'get it together girl...16 countries, and you're a negro? raised by a negro family and you haven't written a story yet? you are SAVING OUR LIVES and you haven't docuemented what you've done? shameful. just shameful.'
all these people in my corner, believe in me...know my potential and past and possibilities. they believe in me enough for extended and repeated conversations and sessions and mindmapping and meetings and plannings and dinners and commitments and...they believe in me enough to donate their hard earned time and energy and attention to my cause of living the life that i envision. of growing beyond this little shell. and while the shell is mighty large to most, it is way too small for me.
and so things are manifesting--ideas, faith, confidence. little pieces are coming back together and i am grateful for all of the love, faith and willingness to sit with me.
i am being rushed off the computer again, but i needed to get that out. needed to breathe a little inside of all this thought.
love,
l'
...i will lay me down
Bridge Over Troubled Water
When you're weary, feeling small, when tears are in your eyes, IÂ’ll dry them all.
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough and friends just can't be found,
like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
When you're down and out, when you're on the street,
when evening falls so hard, IÂ’ll comfort you.
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes and pain is all around,
like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine, oh and when you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind.
___________________________________________________________
i first heard this song as co-mc of my middle school graduation and i thought they were the corniest singers ever. now granted, i loveloveLOVE me some soft rock music from the 70s-early 90s, but i just didn't get this one here. maybe it had something to do with the overlenthusiasticic energy with which my classmates suggested it. maybe it had something to do with their lackluster deliverance. or maybe i was feeling particularly grumpy and judgmental because i was tired of being one of 7 or so colored kids in my grade. i don't really know what it was, but i didn't really hear the wonderful beauty of this incredible tune.
"i will lay me down."
the whole idea of being a bridge over troubled water, particularly in these incredibly troubled times is humbling to me. and so these questions emerge, "how can i be used for the highest good of all involved? how can i be an incredible vessel for the universe? how can i be love and void of ego?"
i must put down my defenses, my ego, fear, pain, distrust, judgmentnt and excuses. i know something powerful is at work here and i have a responsibility (RESPONSE-ABILITY) in this new world that is being created. how can i lay me down? how can i truly be of service?
i realize now that this requires thinking outside of the box. this requires faith. this requires a willingness to live outside of my comfort zone. this requires submission (winkwink delaine) in order to truly experience transformation.
i will lay me down...
a ha!
Thank God/dess! And so it is...
1-2 step
peace y'all,
i know we've all been trying to figure out what to do to help
those in the gulf coast who have been affected by the recent
happenings. i want to do something enormous that will
completely transform the lives of every single person
impacted. unfortuntately, i haven't yet figured out what that is.
in the meantime, i know that everything we do is significant.
every single thing counts and matters, even the most micro of
movements.
the first thing i've decided to do is to begin a fast/cleanse.
there are lots of spiritual, physical and energetic reasons why
i've made this choice, but the most important one is
purification so that i may be of the greatest use for a solution.
there's a lot else that goes into it for me, and we can build
upon it at a later time if you wish. in the meantime, i would like
to invite anyone who would like to participate to please join in.
if you have any questions about fasting or cleansing, please
ask and i'll share my experience and information with you.
i'm not sure how long i'll be doing it, just join in for as long as
you feel called to do so.
i'd also like to do a collective, daily moment of prayer when as
many people as possible are focused in prayer (and/or
meditation, setting an intention, thought, silence...) on creating peace, healing, harmony and
restoration for those affected by the happenings in the gulf
coast. at this point it will be 5 am Pacific Standard Time (8am
Eastern Standard Time). there is an incredibly dynamic power
when people pray together and i look forward to participating in
this process with you.
these are my first two steps. others are coming, as this is
only the begining. please let me know what you've come up
with because we truly are in it together.
be love,
me
love jones fulfilled
i had the best date today! bookstores, cheese pizza (my favorite!), spiritual building, sitting by the beautiful lake washington at sunset, and then the club(ub)! who could ask for anything more? (toyota!)
and at this wonderful seattle club of mine, for the first something or other minutes, i was seriously missing traxx/jaguars/the duplex/barcode because listening to all of the top 40 hip-hop and r&b from the last five years was really gettin' on my nerves. and i know it's seattle, so i really shouldn't ever expect anything else. it is the town where you can wear "jesus sandals", mismatched clothing/accessories, old sneakers and incredibly informal/uncute clothes to the club without being looked at cross-eyed. unfortunately, the song selections weren't old enough to be 'oldies but goodies' but they were too old to be something that i seriously wanted to dance to. and while i knew they wouldn't be jammin' my favorite old soul or house music, i figured something better would come along eventually. as i waited, i made new friends, smiled at other dancing folk enjoying themselves and saw some old friends. then they started playing REAL music to my ears...
"it takes two"--rob bass
"if"--janet jackson (no, i didn't do the choreographed routine, although i do still know it by heart)
"groove is in the heart"--dee lite
"startin' somethin'--michael jackson
"i want you back"--jackson 5
there were other groovy tunes, but these were my top 5. and i must say, only in seattle would such tunes be played to a PACKED club after yin yang twins, destiny's child, missy and kanye and still have everybody jammin' on the one. and that is one of the many, many wonderful reasons that i'm so glad to be from this magical and quite humorous little town called seattle.
p.s. i really am the best date ever. it's so good dating my beloved...
love,
me
big ups kanye!!/is he the next jesse? (just kidding)
on nbc's telethon concert he had said...
Mike Myers: [dutifully reads canned plea for charity on teleprompter]
Kanye: [abandons teleprompter] "I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family and they say we are looting, you see a white family and they say they are looking for food. And, you know, its been five days because most of the people ARE black. And even for me to complain, I would be a hypocrite because I would turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right to see what is the biggest amount I can give. And just to imagine, if I was down there and those are my people down there. If there is anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help about the way America is set up the help the poor, the black people, the less well off as slow as possible. Red cross is doing as much as they can. We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way. And now they've given them permission to go down and shoot us.
Mike Myers: [stands frozen in horror, decides to pretend nothing happened and stick with the teleprompter]
Kanye: GEORGE BUSH DOES NOT CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE.
Mike Myers: [descends into complete panic]
what do you think?
UPDATE: NBC censors Kanye West
The corporate big wigs didn't take too kindly to West's tirade against President Bush earlier today on the Concert for Hurricane Relief, so they edited his remarks on the West Coast feed
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! what happened to freedom of speech (reality checkin' in this case) in "land of the free, home of the brave?" jeeze louise!!
one of my favorite quotes EVER:
"I don't drink and I don't do drugs. I am a black woman in the land of the free, home of the brave. I don't need any more illusions."
what to do...
i will admit it. i am in denial. and there really isn't any time for such shinanigans. so what shall i do? i want to help. how? how? HOW? i don't know. i choose not to watch the news because it is something that i loathe. but what happens? my heart breaks. black folk. po' folk. po' black folk dyin'. others too, but that's what i think about first...old folk, sick folk, homeless, resourceless folk...what to do, huh? what to do?
any ideas son?
l'
(initially posted as a comment, then reposted as a post)
more juicylovemagic for you...
you are love, truly, madly, deeply!
