into the woods
today, after walking, meditating, practicing yoga, writing, praying, listening, smudging and chanting in the woods, over rivers and under waterfalls, i returned to the parking lot of franklin falls state park.
i was standing on the bridge, admiring the Creator's vision and craftiness as the river wound and curved over voluptuous rocks and longtime fallen trees. i opened my beloved strawberry shortcake suitcase to retrieve my car keys and immediately, i heard a thumpTHUMP! and watched as my cell phone bounced, blinked and broke its way into the beautiful, bubbling river.
next thing i knew, i was crawling down the embankment and scurrying across rocks into the river. after accosting a rock at the bottom, i realized that it was only masquerading as my phone. the real thing was yet to be found. i discovered the key pad and the back hovering silently in a more stagnant part of the water. as i was reaching for piece two, my foot slipped on the moss-covered rock, drawing my entire body into the chilly, now giggling river.
needless to say, the remainder of the phone was never found. i returned to the car wet and a little chilly, giving hikers on the path a free peak at what rested below my now trasparant white cotton skirt.
while the loss was, well...a loss, by the time i had driven out of the dirt parking lot, around a corner and hit the gravel road, i understood a little bit more of the great Creator's craftiness. i had come into the woods seeking solace, sanctuary and reconnection with the earth. in our conversations, she spoke to me with such clarity, grace and love. i was nurtured and reassured with the most pure peace. at one point, she echoed the message of
rev. andriette at
east bay, saying, "yes. it's all true. can we now stand in agreement to Get Over It and Let It Go?"
i confessed my soul's yearning for yes! and stepped into the woods. now it's all in alignment. i am being gently nudged to accept all that is. i am letting go of my attachment to all that was and will be. i am fully willing to do whatever it takes to grow and evolve, even if that means letting go of my phone, my love/r and my FABULOUS sunglasses all in one week!
at any rate, i have a sense of peace around the whole thing. and that feels mighty fine.
love and laughinglight,
l'
"you will learn to loose everything. we are temporary arrangements." --alanis morissette
p.s. please email me your phone number. thanks!
time keeps on slippin', into the future...
slip out of time-bound awareness into timeless awareness.
when you shift your awareness from body and mind to soul, you are timeless.
there is only eternity. time is how we talk to ourselves.
the body is trapped light. it is the dust of stars crumbling in the cosmos.
when you practice the art of youthful living, you become a fetus and finally dissapear into an orgasm.
--deepak chopra
be here now.
"discovering the balance between self-control and falling apart, autonomy and neediness, helps us find what eastern philosophies term the Middle Way-and the strength of the spiritual warrior. nourished by the awareness of life not as a battlefield but instead as a mysterious dreamscape where all things connect and pass quickly away, this tender, altruistic strength prepares the heart for all possibilities." --mark matousek
closer
(now playing)
Closer to my dreams
It's coming over me
I'm gettin' higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm getting higher and higher
Feel it in my sleep
Some times it feels like I'll never go past here
Some times it feels like I'm stuck forever and ever
But, I'm going higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm goin' higher and higher
I can almost reach
Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams
Feel it all over my being
Close your eyes and see what you believe
I'm happy as long as we're apart
Then I'm moving on to my dreams
I'll be moving higher (Moving higher)
Closer to my dreams
And higher and higher, higher
Feel it in my being (I can feel it flow around me)
I know that I could not go alone (No, no)
I'm moving higher (Higher), oh...
I'm going higher and higher and higher (Higher and
Higher)
Closer to my dreams (Higher and higher, oh...oh...)
I'm moving upward and onward and beyond all I can see
(Stretching out my arms so I can reach)
Feels so close it's like i can just reach
I can feel my dreams (Closer to my dreams)
I'm moving closer to my dreams
I'm moving (Higher and higher) higher and higher
(Higher and higher)
Moving higher, oh...
Some times it feels like you never gon'change (Never gon'change)
But you never choose to walk away
--Goapele
and so it is.
i am *. it is decided. i don't know % yet, but that is the next step. i am exhausted today, driven to the point of complete nakedness with myself. this is the part in "women of brewster place" when they break down the wall just to free themselves to the possiblity of what's on the other side. i thought ^ was it, and maybe for the last # years, it has been, but that window has closed now. it's just not ! anymore. i've got to find @ somewhere else, maybe next door or maybe a few continents away. but it's time. it is decided. and for that, i give thanks.
the interesting thing is, the blanks can be filled in with several things in my life right now. people, places, ideas, feelings, beliefs...and they are all changing, making room for something new to take place. my real words don't belong in those spaces. i'm more interested in the feelings behind them, in the rumblings beneath the words. there is no more room for words unattached to meaning or action. my breath is too valuable to just talk for my own ego's sake.
big changes are a happenin' in smallsmall spaces. i am scared. i'm excited. i'm sad that things don't always go as i planned/dreamed/imagined and i'm thrilled about the possibility for more...for something concrete to latch on to.
"it's the end of the world as we know it, and i feel fine."
l'
country croonin'
i miss atlanta and sometimes, in my delirium, i think about moving back there. but then the millisecond passes and i regain my right mind. after a
somekinda morning, i spent yesterday evening in pilates and great conversation with my longtime heartfriend amanda. as usual, she cooked me great dinner and provided dialogue that my spirit needed to just
be.
there was a lot of intense and mutually reciprocal sharing and listening, thank God. she then showed me pics of her atl visit and it occurred to me that not only am i kinda cute, but my life used to be pretty cool. i then realized that if i slowed down long enough, i'd probably realize that it's still pretty cool.
i realized that i've spent so much time and energy longing for what could be and what might be and what i want to be that the precious jewels of the present get overlooked for the hunger of the perpetual future. and as much as i hated on atl, her pictures of my cute yellow house and my friends in the park and the neighborhood homies who tried to holla when she took a morning stroll reminded me that it really ain't so bad.
don't get it twisted though, i'm still not moving back. in the meantime, i'll let it take up a much more beautiful space in my mind's eye.
love and light,
l'
p.s. happy earthday to you
words from the bus pt. 3/great news!/a little sumthin' extra fo ya
"untitled"
she's a poet
from a family where words
were doled out by the teaspoonful-
their medicinal qualities undiluted
she still likes her words
straight up
no water
is greatly irked by those
who talk too much
with nothing to say
she cannot taste the whiskey
in the dounpour
--bobbi dykema katsanis
(brilliant!!)
i tried to choose one, but couldn't so here are my first three:
You are sexy, powerful, and bold.
You're full of passion and energy...
Sometimes this passion has a dark side.
You feel most alive when you're seducing someone.
You never fail to get someone's attention.
Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper! |
You are nurturing, kind, and lucky.
Like mother nature, you want to help everyone.
You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive.
A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker.
You are good natured and people enjoy your company.
You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you. |
You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.
You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first. |
which one do you think fits me best?
love's delight (& a mild case of pre-teen induced exhaustion),
l' boog.
wifey
after years of feminist theory & practice, (thank the lord for bev and bahati!) i can finally say that i have worked myself out of the patriarchal socialization that preaches compulsary motherhood and wifedom. no ma'am i say. no way jose. the Most High first, me second...and well, that's enough of a journey by itself without adding any one else to the equation.
constellation framework
the peaces are falling into place. and i am gratefully stepping lightly and slowly onto path. after meltdown, mornings are better. and the self-critical magnifying glass gets put away (hopefully forever). i am still tired and sleeping a lot. my grandma (bless her 91 year old body and timeless soul) has been waking up in the middle of conversations that no one else remembers. we now share bedroom space and i become the listener in the middle of my own beta moments. aunty "cornfused" barbara holds me to my greatest potential, fueling my desire to live out my dreams, sharing what it feels like to have never tried. she remindes me that kissing many frogs is required before finding my own royal partner. and i rememberandremember how little of a priority that is right now anyway.
in my visually impaired search, i have found the next step. i am learning to mute my mother's voice, and listen more and more closely to the neversleeping visionary inside my heart. she is young and infinite. brave and bold. she harnesses her fear and rides it into the sun. her name is phoenix and she is reborn on the back of fire. after silencing her for so many moons, i am incredibly grateful to be reunited. she is always beneath the surface--my omnipresent elder and child, my gracious north star spirit.
it feels mighty good to be home.
love,
me
p.s. jah, the "cornfused" part was just for you. :)
this is called irritation.
everyone (meaning growngrown folks) keeps telling me that i need to "just do it". to jump in 'there' and sink or swim. but the question is, where is 'there,' really? where the f*ck to i begin? and so these questions, following on the tail of the contemplative, "what is my next move?" lead me running aroundandaround again in circles. not so fun loop-de-loops might i add. i am running around on a track, digging a deeper ditch yet and i don't know which direction is going to take me somewhere new.
and my emotional state is wonderful, curious and contemplative, like a little kid looking around a corner, searching for a surprise. and then i remember the importance of trusting my process, THE process...of knowing that the Creator has got this all handled. i am still knawing at the bits, stomping the ground, aimed out of the gate. i want to cross the finish line now, today...YESTERDAY. but the gosh darn truth is, i don't know the first step to take.
and when i write that, i know it's just not true. cuz i do know the first step. i just feel torn between setting out on the path and looking for a job to save some fundage (and really delay the learning that needs to happen). i need an extreme intervention. a life coach. someone to help me navigate this space so i don't keep wasting time in the same place.
it's all good though. i just want to get on the good foot now and stop walking in circles. but i'm sure i'll get on path one day soon.
wish me well.
l'
jackie's strength
1) we are both human and divine
2) self is greater than your conditions
3) whatever you say "i am..." to, has a way of claiming you.
4) every human being has a dark side.
5) victimhood is a false concept that makes us powerless.
- honor the abuse as a teaching for both us and them.
- when a persn stays in their own power, they are rarely victimized.
- if i am drawn to it so much that i feel i need it, something needs to be healed.
6) our desires are God's love operating in our lives
7) we live our lives in a world of opposites
- own both/all aspects of the self
- the shadow has power when we see its beauty
8) there are no outer experts, the wisdom comes from within
9) an open heart is a bridge into the Divine
10) distress is not pathalogical
11) sacrifice is not a giving up, but a taking on
12) as you cultivate your own nature, all around you begin to grow.
--Jacqueline Small
"the only person you ever meet in a relationship is yourself."
--Iyanla Vanzant
p.s. currently playing is my girl goapele's "closer". every time i listen it reminds me of the truth...hope you enjoy.
siiiiiike! gotcha! (and me too damn it...)
my elder uncle had his 60th birthday party brunch this morning and it was fantastic! amazing food that was soooo yummy for my tummy. i saw and visited with my beloved family but then the cramps kicked in. and i was ghost. i must say that severe pain, especially that which comes monthly, is never, ever fun. and now this damned (and blessed) cyclic purging process has prevented me from taking that journey with the 'rents and crew as planned. poopsticks. i am cramped and obviously not too pleased. poopsticks again. :(
nonetheless, i assisted my brother in playing tourguide to his morehouse homie who's in town until the morn. then went to the bite of seattle to hang out with LOTSANDLOTS of young folk and watch the "i'm dressed up (but not really)" signature seattle style. it was fun times but a cramp relapse has brought me home prematurely. i will now take a ginger bubble bath as my family watches 'diary of a mad black woman' on dvd, get in the bed and plan the rest of my life.
here's a list, just for kicks...
things i love to watch:
*boi's/soft studs, especially if athletic gear and cornrows are involved
*sunrises
*sunsets over mountians, bodies of water and woods
*people getting pierced
*clear, night skies
*men holding hands
*people accomplishing their goals
*live music
*dance and cheer competitions on tv
*children dancing
there are so many more but my stomach is hurting. i'm going to go to bed.
sweet and low,
l.
bon voyage
i will run away in handmade envelopes,
and mail myself home--(belize, cambodia, madagascar, the solomons),
i will pick up stories and memories of how i finally became a woman
and learned to love myself whole.
cake
and i know why i got misty yesterday during "coach carter" when homie recited the marianne williamson piece below. yes, it's one of my favorite writings and i love it because it reminds me overandover again about the truth that i have all too often hidden from myself. and so i cried (and proudly let myself cry) because i have spent way too fricken long hiding/whittling, toning and playing down/minimizing/hiding/trying to "be normal". i have seriously and consciously hidden from myself and others in order to get a date/be accepted/tolerated/loved/acknowledged.
earlier this week, i sent a beloved an incredibly long email about this condition, part of which stated that i feel like a pastel version of my vibrant, radiant self. i am turquoise, fushia, gold, copper and red, not mint, eggshell or carnation. eww...i hate pastels. and yet, i've spent the last five or so years, really trying to "tone down the funk" (per my mother's initial suggestion for how to get dates with boys). well, dammit! i am a funky shutchomouth! so there.
and for those who know me relatively well and are currently thinking, "that was the toned down version? really?". yes my friends, for a significant part that you've know me, it just might have been. i've been walking around masquerading as a plain yellow cake, no frosting, no sprinkles, no m&ms or such. when the reality is i'm really a sparkling, dynamic, delicious mamajama with rich creme cheese frosting. i think working and having to find a job and "be accecpted (really, tolerated)" into "mainstream" america is part of it too, but really, i've been acting like the gap version of myself. literally. and while i do love their denim, i am really more like a funky leather one-of-a-kind designer than anything you can fall into.
and i'm not just talking about fits and kicks (although that is a significant part of this whole experience). i'm talking about myself in general. i feel like a television on mute. you can kinda figure out what's going on, but without the volume, the whole point is difficult to understand.
i could go into the psychological reasoning and blahblahblah effects of it all, but what i know is this--marianne knows what she's talking about. i don't want to hide my light underneath a bushel (no!), i'm going to let it shine. i can't be worrying about anyone else's experience of me, because that's their responsibly, not mine. i am not going to pick it up.
another beloved and i were talking about beyonce's incredible lifelong pr training and how it could possibly result in her nonexistent sense of self. and then i realized, how many of us are so closely micromanaging our own pr, that we have no idea who we are? we do wear the mask that grins and lies (and does a whole bunch of other koonery performance). when will we give ourselves permission to just be? when will we accept ourselves as all that we are without judgment or correction?
well, i am beginning now. today. in this exact moment.
i might have outgrown enormous platforms, gaylee's and wraps of fabric as clothing, but it's time for me to start expressing myself physically again. it's time for my personality and presentation to be in alignment with my spirit.
and if i end up with a wild and crazy assortment of incredible but strange friends who live and love true but don't care about earning your acceptance and if i spend all of my time loving, learning and doing what makes my heart sing without being hungry for accolades or validation, then at the end (and during), i will be one happy camper. and that my friends, is the greatest pr ever.
love!
l. "what you think of me is none of my business" asantewaa
p.s. you know who looks good now? Kenny Rogers!! i guess you really do gotta know when to hold 'em...
true dat
in a friendster testimonial of praise to a womyn who greatly inspires me, the seeya alysia, wrote, "Don't ever devolve". and those my friends are some damn wise words of wisdom. thanks for the briliance my friend. you're fab.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
kisses of blueberries in oatmeal
today i:
* ran down concrete hills to find my once frozen Love melted and waiting paitiently with wisdom and wide open arms.
* got a gift and apology in front of the class from the teacher who was "hard on me" yesterday.
* went to the gym and sweated for 45 mins
* learned that just like me, another teacher is from berkeley and has been both a hippie AND black panther (except her experiences were in this lifetime)
* opened up a little more at work
* read another poem on the bus, here's my favorite part:
...i want work like that!
work that makes me dizzy
makes me drunk on sweet nectar
finds me dancing
across the plush, pink petals of all that i love
--Kathy Heffernan
* had incredible clarity about my life path and next steps :D
* realized that when i ask people, "have you been doing that your whole life?," i'm really asking myself, "will i have time to do this well before i die? is it worth it to start now?
* took a great nap while making a gazillion copies and wasting trees.
hope you had a great one too,
love me
p.s. currently playing is my love ani difranco's
both hands. it is a musical and lyrical hotbed of genuis. if you click on the name, you can read her mighty fine brilliance as you listen to the beautiful song. this album (living in clip) totally transformed my world my first year of college. i was reborn, never to be the same again. words cannot even begin to explain my love for this womyn.
p.s.s. i initially had 2 pac and bone-thug's
thug luv playing because it's one of my favorite nastalgic songs in the whole wide world but it's incredibly vulgar so i decided against it. but, if you've never heard this wild and fabulous musical creation, please click on the name and enjoy the tunes.
it's getting laaaaate...(imagine floetry's ditty)
i'm sleepy but had a good day. much better head location than the last couple of days. mia was my candlelight in the dark this afternoon and it was mighty fine to talk with her. she has spent the last six years really putting together her adult life and she's finally in her rhythm! i cannot even begin to tell you how that conversation did wonders for my soul and mind.
she's on the same path, but farther ahead and it's great to see how things are showing up and working out for her right now. she didn't compromise, she followed her heart and worked hard to get it all flowing cohesively. now she's beginning to reap the real benefits. as an artist/activist/scholar/people mixer, she has come a long way and things are really really unfolding now. she was able to give me some concrete support and strategies that make sense to help me refine my direction. and to think, when i've been in funks before, i isolated myself from my people! well, i've decided to do it differently this time. instead of hiding away from the world, i'm strategically and intentionally reaching out for support in the moments when i need it.
and work today, well, that it was another interesting day. i'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, trying to channel my inner tiona to get crunk in a christ-like way when necessary. it's a long row to hoe, but i've got to be here for a reason. What it is? still, not so sure. and while my assorted family members find humor in asking me about my day and chuckling, i'm determined to stay relatively sane and pull through till the end.
and i'm going to sleep now. the last few nights i've rested light and dense, not deep and seamless like i usually enjoy. hopefully tonight will bring me smooth dreams and revelations beyond my imagination.
love and light,
l.
i don't want to grow up...at least not like this...
this morning i am not excited about going to camp. i went to bed early and woke up clear with my alarm at 4:30, then went back to sleep and woke up at 5:30 and stayed in the bed until 6. now i'm on the computer. it's raining and gray here and while i also love this weather, i really feel compelled to stay in or near the bed. like yesterday, today i am also tired behind my eyes and lethargic is so much else. at this point, i feel like i signed up for the bum deal called "adulthood" although i seriously feel about 17.
most of the people in my program (kids and staff alike) assume that i'm 20-21 just by looking at me and since i'm holding my true tongue so much in reference to their teachings, they don't really get to know me at all. as a matter of fact yesterday i spent so much time finding errands and things to do outside of the classroom, i'm not sure if they're really going to know me by the time it's all said and done. which might be okay too. it's painful to sit back and witness all of this fear-talk. it's not healthy and it's definitely not real to me.
there are so many other more empowering ways of seeing and being in the world that are truly nurturing to Spirit. but who am i to get crunk at a christian camp at a church? really? they ain't said nothing about interfaith blahblahblah except if you belong to another religion, you're automatically going to hell and well...when the minister comes in the classroom and delivers such a message, what am i supposed to do? of course then he asked me, "what do you believe? do you think that if you're not christian, you can go to heaven?" and i just looked at him and smiled as one of the children answered yes for me. when he saw i wasn't going to respond, he asked someone else and the entire class echoed "no". wowzers.
but i also know that i've got this job for a reason. what it is now, i'm not so sure. it may simply be to lace my pockets. which, at this point, ain't a damn thing wrong with it. so i've got to swallow this damn solid (illusion of) pride and get on the good foot, i guess.
begrudgingly,
l.
give thanks
it is an amazingly beautiful day in the deuce-0-six. and i'm glad to be from this here town nestled between mountains, surrounded by trees and lakes. cushioned by warm light, blue skies and soft clouds i am elated to be home.
i hope you're enjoying your day too, wherever you are.
love and warm seattle breezes,
l. boogie
p.s. currently playing is alien ant farm's "smooth criminal". and while i believe that most folks should never, ever cover stevie, michael or luther, this here is magic. it's incredible. and the "whoos!" at the end almost compete with michael's. if you don't dance when you're listening to it, something is horribly, dangerously wrong. enjoy.
new breath
i realized this morning that i have made so many life choices just in order to avoid pain. and while i've been fighting, tooth and nail, to avoid re-experiencing old pain, i've actually really relived it all in my mind over and over again. as a result, i've been enslaved by my worst nightmares without ever really experiencing them.
then the question became--how would i live differently if ALL of my worst nightmares really did come true?
if i...
-(learned i) was going to die young
-had no friends
-was cheated on again
-was invisible and unloved
-never accomplished anything significant
how then would i live? would my goals still be the same? would my behavior?
making them real, valid, and significant and giving them room to breathe, was one of the most important revelations i've ever had in my whole entire life. i tell you in that magical and beautiful moment, the universe (re)gave me the most significant gift i can recall: life. because you see, my fears weren't really about the fears. they were about death. and when i thought about it all, i realized that if i SURVIVED my worst fears, i would still be alive and still able to do whatever i wanted with each moment of each day, moving simply with each breath i was blessed with. on the 48 bus in the soaking gray rain of seattle, washington, everything in my life changed.
and so now i choose, consciously and joyously to be fully alive and aware, knowing that if all of my worst nightmares came true, i would still live. i would still learn and grow and love. i would be okay.
love and radiant light,
l.
p.s. "the game" is one of the most incredible movies of my whole entire life. watching it (a million times over) really helped draw me closer to this conclusion. i really encourage you to pick it up if you haven't seen it already. it will change your world. blisslights.
words i read on the bus/...everything else...
"i kin take it lyin' down"
pickled ginger for hopes
n yellowtail
on the tip of my tongue
give me some rice, luv
these chopsticks are
made of mahogany
-- SUJ'N CHON
i am feeling both tarnished and new lately, a little soiled and raw from unfolding and expsosing and confessing. i am a little tired chasing the words that run through my head all day into night and new days again. delaine asks me if anyone ever said that i think too much and while most of my mutually overthinking folks haven't shared that observation, i'm sure at some point they were thinking it too...
times change so quickly, and i remeet unfolded fortune cookies in cars that we claimed on corners years ago. i am hungry for a future that i remembered to dream during a time when i believed, but the image is fading quickly and i have forgotten the details of the path that i want to create. why does it feel like i'm driving with my parking break on when the road is wide and open and free ahead of me?
my long life friend (who some might call career thug/thrower/pusher...) confesses stories of love and loss and yearning for more and i wonder, is this what 32 looks like? is this where we end up when dead end jobs continue to dissatisfy and there are no more answers to our riddles? i want answers. i want a yellow brick road home. i want to remember myself in silent moments when there is no need for words or confession or memory. i want to know it all is true and just step out there anyway.
this has been an incredible day. seattle is offering my most favorite weather for relaxation and enjoyment. i am seeing old and new friends whose energy contributes great wealth and nourishment to my soul. i have caught the bus with .65 cents AND got a transfer from a gracious driver. i have been heart heavy and hungry for good food. my assholic jesture(s) from a few days ago have left me unresolved, soaking wet and yearning to make amends. i have missed my friends and wanted to belong. i have dreamed of rest and money and abundance manifested. i have missed myself more than i ever knew possible.
this is my silence song. the true confessions and unsolved thoughts that dailly dance through my head.
light and love,
l.
letting go
seemingly easy decisions are made in midnight hours and my gut still wrenches in morning/afternoon/eveningtimes. i want to rushrushrush hurry everything--conversations, decisions and movements, for fear that this moment may be my very last. i don't want to misstep, to land on a mine that will explode the little i have to hang on to.
sometimes i don't know myself, or you (andyouandyouandyou...). i want it all to make sense, to reference the internal transcript of last night's talkin' to when i don't remember what the f*ck is going on. creative antics distract me and i'm dancin' again, catchin' snippits of your breath whispering my next move. the steps are so familiar but i don't want to dance this way anymore. how can i love unconditionally and take care of myself simultaneously? what am i missing? why is this so hard to shake? what the hell hooks me in?
that voice screams to me, ringing out my soul's freedom songs. i am running on bound feet, bones turned over onto themselves, molded into shapes only suitible for resting. but i cannot stay here and so i hobble hungrily forward, limping into step behind those who have trod the road ahead.
love secrets beneath my tongue
i choose to believe in love because i don't want to live any other options. but my girl's news yesterday partnered with terry "got my groove back" mcmillan's
news late last month, partnered with my growing distrust for words that should be solid, sometimes the only thing that i have left is my own belief that true, honest, accountable love is possible.
i've known (not to mention dated) too many hot in the pants youngins to believe that everyone has good intentions and that everyone says what they mean (or means what they say) and that everyone tells the truth all the time. and so when faced with "facts" and "truths" and relationships that aren't always stable or whole, i have to close my eyes and feel the thumping in my heart and know that someone, somewhere will love me full and tell me their entire truth, even if it hurts us all...i have to know that i will remeet Love that reflects my own highest intentions and we will last for eternity loving and dancing and becoming all of who we already are, plus some.
i choose to cherish my own guts' knowing, and the clenching that comes in my throat when i talk to the maybe crush that you won't tell me about. because i know that sometimes the truth comes to your mouth slowly and reality isn't always what is in front of my eyes, and i still love you (most of the time).
and as i sit here with puzzle pieces and compassion waiting for more revelations, i wonder what it will take for me to finally walk away and give my own self the whole truth that i desperately deserve.
wonderment
in the past, i have been so fearful of loosing myself. and when i was 19, i actually did. i forgot who i was, what i liked, what i didn't. i couldn't remember my passions, talents or interests. jalylah often served as a ready resource to remind me of myself when my memory was simply grasping at straws. i was terrified. my identity was wrapped around who i thought i was. and when that was gone, i just didn't know where to begin.
and in the last couple of months, i've gone through another very similar process. while it's very different this go 'round, some of the original experiences and fears are the same. i haven't actually forgotten all of the details that i used to define myself, i have somehow lost a grasp on the womyn occupying that space. i slipped under the radar for a while by performing who i remembered myself to be.
now i see the opportunity to choose more and more of who i want to be, how i want to grow, how i want to evolve. but really, more than believing myself to be a change agent in this play, i get to sit back and see how the scenes of my life build on top of each other, allowing "me" to emerge organically in the process. it's a much different experience than trying to hang onto who i remembered myself to be or perform "myself" as i thought i was being perceived by others. this choice liberates me, allowing me to be who i truly am in each moment. ahh...
so, coming back home to my family's house in seattle today, i get to see how my last week of fighting-bickering-arguing-processing-making up-walking on thin ice/broken glass overandoverandover again has prepared me to come home to my family. and instead of adding value judgement to each experience, instead of making any of it "good" or "bad" (neither of which i really believe in), i get to see it all as part of what my spirit needs to grow, evolve and love more fully. i get to see how diligently and perfectly the universe is preparing me for what is now and what's to come in soon time.
part of it too is trusting myself enough to be my whole self in each moment. it's trusting my friends to catch me when i'm stumbling and/or falling. it's trusting the love, the conversation, the energy to carry us all through when times are hard/uncomfortable/unfamiliar. in this growth process, it's sometimes still hard to let down all the walls and guises and just 'be' who i am, without being able to put a handle on who 'that' really is. and the beauty is remembering not to care about perception, especially my own of myself.
i have swallowed too much of the discourse telling me that i am too much or not enough. although i may seem like i'm always walking to the beat of my own drummer, i did not make the instruments. i did not make the shoes. and so, i'm still living in this society that makes its bread and butter by teaching that we're born wrong and then socially constructs more and more reasons to buy security (race, color, gender, "beauty", age, sexuality, nationality, class, education, language, accent, weight, size, shape... ).
i know there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of us. but sometimes i'm still scared to be my whole self for fear of being "too much" or "not enough". and that's just the bullshit of internalized oppression. i know that's not true. it's just part of the discourse that has kept me a little muted, introverted, performative.
i've got got so much to learn and i'm so grateful for the opportunity to grow.
kisses of beautiful seattle sun,
l.
i read recently that when there is a wound in the body, the muscles around the wound tighten up in order to protect it from further harm. and while the pain can be debilitating, encouraging us to numb and medicate until we feel better, in order to fully heal, the injured muscles must be excersized past the pain.
my chest has been hurting now for many, many moons. i remember clutching my chest from the sharp, agonizing pain in classrooms at spelman five years ago. a few years later, i checked myself into the emergency room because the daily pain had grown intense i couldn't handle it anymore. after spending my entire day hooked up to machines, taking tests and answering isolated medical questions, they told me to go home because i had a clean bill of health. but i knew something was wrong. i was hurting and i didn't know what to do about it.
duh nile
so, yes. i've got ocd (a little bit) and i've been loving on
esthero mad hard for about six years. i've worn out her brilliant debut album "breath from another," time and again. i've given it away, had it stolen, and shared it with the world in as many opportunities as i could. that little piece of plastic right there brought me so much joy, comfort, magic, beauty for years on years. as much as i listened to it (almost daily for 6 years remember), i never got tired or bored. anywho. i was pissed like a chicken's liver when she never performed in atl and then dissapeared from the music scene all together. she's amazing and the album is just plain musical gold.
and now she's come out with this new hotness of beauty. so for a sista with no job and no known income, i made a daring move and got a $15 ticket for her seattle show. sometimes i just gotta make sacrifices. and this my friends, was one of them. so i was fine. ready. willing and thrilled to see my girl perform her perfection.
and then today. my hot ass, trying to be grown, changing my ticket and stuff, done gone and changed my departure ticket for sunday, only to remember that my dream concert is happening IN SEATTLE
TOMORROW. well damn! damn! damn!
for all those who know and enjoy my freespiritedgypsynomadic self, i'm learning more and more the importance of planning, balance, forethought, vision. there are no mistakes, yes it's true, but i've got to really remember to think a little bit farther before trotting off into the sunset.
wut the hell is all i can say right now. i got the lesson right this time. i just can't believe i'm going to miss esthero in the process.
grumblings of growth,
love and irritation,
l.
