Looka Here
1) MY PHONE IS UP AND RUNNING!!! YEAH!
~for all y'all who got the digits, please give a sista a shout.
~for all y'all who just drool at the idea of having the digits, give me a good reason and i might just hand them out...
2) i was just sitting here thinking about my first surprise party, and i got mad geeked at the memories. i want to send a big, hearty thanks to all those who helped make it happen. that was amazing. i've always wanted a surprise party and y'all really pulled it off. so what if i sat in the corner for the first hour because i was going through an identity crisis and forgot that i was deserving and y'all really loved me enough to do that wonderfulness.
my first vision was
SweetT running out from BettinaJudd's bedroom with a big ole grin on her face. (of course the rest of the crew was right behind with the surprise shout to wake the masses.) Y'all make me smile big of lotness. i still get butterflies thinking about the love and celebration. i'm looking forward to seeing the remaining ATLiens soon...
thanks again to jazmine (wherever you are) and
moybeans for being the visionaries behind the big soiree. ain't nothin' on the face of the earth like a good surprise (party). thanks for making my dreams come true.
always love,
me
p.s. more beautiful poetry from the bus
Night Kisses EarthI could pilfer chunks of heaven
stars trickling down, close enough
to reach me.
Me who cries at sunset but tonight
Relishes shadow stretches, my eyes
Jam-packed with sky
-Kathryn Bailey, 8th grade
seek higher still.
this morning my moms tried to teach me about discretion. she wanted me to know the value of choosing one's battles, of strategically holding back and placing only relevant cards on the table. she wanted me to understand what it means to sustain bridges, even if they are not currently being used.
i've never been good at witholding, but i understood her lessons and her longing for me to remain on good terms with everyone. i am grateful for someone who looks out for me when i am in the process of burning and being reborn. yes. it is no cosmic twist of fate that my totem is the Phoenix. i am the bird who ascends into higher heights only to burn by the brightness of the sun and be reborn into more and more wisdom.
i cannot promise perfection or great aim. i do not strategize my words, laying them silently on the road ahead of me for safe journeys. instead, i have decided to live pieces of myself fully disclosed and naked praying that they sustain me for at least this one, simple step. i have hidden a microphone under the guise of my subconscious' perception, recording what happens when the mask falls down.
i am in this process of learning, unlearning, surrendering and letting go. i do not promise congruence, delicacy or discretion. i do not always promise consistency or softness. i am simply committed to honestly confessing my experience in this exact and particular moment.
this is not a pretty, painless process for anyone involved. sometimes i wonder,
who i have burned as i am going down in flames? who has watched me from the sidelines with wonder, secretly entranced by the transformative self-destruction? there will come a time when i have learned to dance with the wildfire, when i am comfortable acknowledging and releasing my attachment to the entire process of birth, death and rebirth. i have learned only slices of this movement. the rest remains encoded, to be translated by my lived experience.
no. the space between us does not hold room for these conversations. there is no ground beneath our feet to lay out our most real truths. i breathe out the jeweled embryo of our potential conversations, ignating flames that burn me into only higher heights.
(i do wish our carbon-dioxide sustained true openness. but it does not. as a result, i have chosen to compost that dream and fertilize more productive creations.)
yes, it is knowledge. but knowledge does not mean it is the truth. knowledge only means it is what you know.
-don miguel ruizbeneath the rubble, this story truly isn't about you. it is what i have chosen to know about my own lived experience. i am simply the storyteller, sharing my mind's patched-together truths. as all things, it will grow into reality of another translation, becoming the new (albeit temporary) language through which i will talk about my life.
this morning, i swallowed the food of my mother's words, searching to taste the nutrition that could take me forward on the road of dis/re~covery. one day i will beautifully balance truthful confession and delicate diplomacy. i will be a master of authentic disclosure and intimate connection. in the meantime, i will continue to do the very best i can with the tools that i have.
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history
Beneath unknown bones
Beneath the bedrock of the mystery
Beneath the sewage systems and the PATH train
Beneath the cobblestones and the water mains
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals
Beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels
Beneath everything I can think of to think about
Beneath it all, beneath all get out
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel
There's a fire just waiting for fuel
-ani difranco
always love,
l'
Open letter to an ex-boyfriend
There is an anger there. Something I didn’t even know existed before. There are dormant shakes inside and I want to scream. What have I created? Why is there so much animosity? I have built myself into wooden stories, boxing myself into cycles where tolerance flickers dimly in corners.
Who thought there would be this much hate? Ever?
You say there is no anger but I know otherwise real truths. Yes. I have thrashed your heart with wild abandon. But I am over that now. (as a I always was.) maybe that’s why you’re still angry. I have always been a heartbreaker, it’s true. Never ever fully loving you or disclosing my whole self.
You used to be so nice. And while Jah says that’s a throwaway word, I trusted it to be your true self. Too much has grown through the clearing and I am back at the door of the wardrobe trying to escape into Narnia.
I didn’t know I was holding on to you too. On to the acceptance into worlds that I once lived. Yes. I could have been one of those folks. The one with club memberships, secret handshakes and cocktail hour laughter. We might have even been friends after all was said and done. But you know that it hasn’t worked out that way. I don’t even want your presence in my mind anymore. I have no use for our memories. These exchanges, like fog horned boats passing in the night, mean nothing else to me but hatred disguised as the niceness that you hide behind.
Oh, that word. Yes. It’s too strong to be used in casual conversation or to hide in the thoughts that once graced my mind. But it comes up, time and again and I just want to escape into a sanctuary where you don’t exist. Most of the months, I’m able to do that because you’re not real to me. But then moments like this arise and I wonder where your demon has been hiding all these years.
I hate feeling this way. Please be clear that I don’t want to be with/around/near you. I don’t want to breathe the same air that you inhale. I don’t want conversations laced with any thought of your existence.
And so I let go. Truly. Although community myths tell otherwise, I hold no energy for you. Actually, that is a lie. In the light of our most recent conversations, I do grit my teeth with anger and (non)hate when I think of you. You do not know me. I am not the airyfairy, discombobulated, wild/wierdchild you think I am. How the fuck do you think you can talk to me that way? Sadly, after all these years, you still cannot see me. No. The well of compassion has dried and we are both dehydrated.
I’m sure my mother will still ask you for favors when I’m not around. And you in your niceness will comply. But I no longer breathe in thoughts of your grandeur. Rest assured, last night was the last time I will ever say, “XXX is still one of my most favorite people on the face of the earth. Regardless of what has happened, he is still an incredible human being.” I now see that you’re actually operating as an arrogant, pompous, condescending human evolving into something greater.
And yes, sometimes I am jealous of you. Because sometimes I just want to belong and punch the right holes and laugh while wearing ironed clothes and think I’m the shit. Yes, sometimes, I want to believe that muting my dream and deferring my passion is the only way to gain social acceptance. You’re right. But even in my most dark of moments, I’m willing to risk being complicated, multi-faceted and challenging, just so I don’t have to compromise the unlimited possibilities that are looming on the horizon.
Oh, yes. I am being judgmental and mean-spirited. I acknowledge this and ask for forgiveness. I also defend myself in violently animated protest of the caricature that has been created in my name. sothefuckwhat? You do not know not me. Your place in my heart has been removed and released into the great beyond. There is no compromise here. No middle ground to speak of. I do not understand black and white worlds. I live in color. In radiant shine and glitter stories. I believe in brainstorming win-win situations. I do not use words to vaguely say what I do not know how to articulate. I ask questions when I want answers. I say what I mean. I live into the now and look for ways to create magic.
Where did you go? Is this robotic world really that interesting? Do you really hate me that much?
Well, blessings on the journey. I will still pray for y/our deliverance.
Always,
L’
My point exactly (This week's horoscope)
TaurusCurses abound. When we're children, our parents and relatives manipulate us into being different from what we naturally are. As we grow up, teachers and coaches regularly remind us of how we're not living up to their expectations. Meanwhile, the news media assaults us with relentless propaganda about how nasty and brutish life is, and storytellers in the entertainment industry barrage us with visions of the worst aspects of human nature. Finally, our enemies slip us their own unique brands of maledictions. That's the bad news, Taurus. The good news is that you now have unprecedented power to defuse the curses that have been cast on you. Follow your intuition to cleanse yourself of their insidious influence.
more beautiful poetry i read on the bus...
ChimeI'm coming to grips with it today:
The emptiness,
Fingers hanging like chimes lost to the breeze.
The waiting is hardest,
Knowing that when I scrub it
between my toes with dry soap,
There'll be nothing left to wait for-
Except maybe a tiny exhale,
or two drops of rain.
-Laura Brady
I LOVE this poem!! Such amazing, beautiful imagery.Enjoy your day!
EXCELLENT NEWS!!!!!!
i just talked to beverly and i'ma comin' down!!!!!!
I LOVE MY DEPARTMENT!!
all my folks in the a, i'll see you soon!!
always love,
l'
p.s. for all y'all who have no idea what i'm talking about, this means that my beloved department (Comparative Women's Studies/Women's Research & Resource Center) at my (frequently) beloved alma mater (Spelman College) is bringing me to Atlanta for
Spelman's Hip-Hop week. I'm going to do something (yet to be determined) with Toni Cade and be an active participant in the week. Yeah!
I am so excited!!
For more information on how all of this got planted in my heart and the subsequent process, please check out
this post...
alexander graham bell
yes. reconnection phone calls were made today.
bahati and i had long talks. the road to atlanta is looking a lot shorter and brighter. bev's next. i'll keep you posted on the progress.
my late night phone companion and i had a short chat. it was good to check in. there is always comfort and i'm grateful for our connection.
i called bobsey, leaving a couple of my traditional marathon messages. i look forward to our soon come catch up. december will not come too fast.
and the one who picked up my poor phone habits has received yet another voicemail from me. yes, yes. i will continue waiting anxiously for a reply. my prayer is that it comes in soon time.
last but not least, i left a message for the enigma. i'm sure i could get labeled as such but she is a something special jewelry box of love. although i have been the communication slacker (see previous phone call), i deeply value our friendship (not to mention she sees through my smoke and mirrors faster than anyone i've ever known. (there is an internal dialogue going on here that can only be deciphered by morse code/braille/the verbalized silence of catholic confessionals.) nonetheless, she sees me and sometimes i just want to be hidden (hence the poor phone habits reputation).)
i also look forward to this reconnection.
i am waking up. becoming more alive. remembering love and the importance of foundation. please be patient (i say this to you and myself). i am coming around the bend on the road towards true intimacy.
always love,
l'
check one...
work said yes. and that is a beautiful thing. wonderful thing. bahati and bev are harder to get in touch with than i am, but i'm faithful, focused and excited. everything works out exactly as its ordered. thanks God. and so it is.
always,
l'
i guess i wasn't
as insatiable as i once thought because at this point, i'm feeling incredibly satisfied. i know i'm on the right track and there is nothing like this feeling. last night i went to see
bell. yes, it's true, we were once married but i divorced her because i wasn't getting enough attention. well, last night she gave me good reason to take her back and so i did.
when she arrived at the venue, she welcomed me with a great, big hug and asked me how life had been treating me. i told her i was working with high school students, she told me a quite remarkable story about something a white woman had said to her at dinner about the 'strength' of young black women. we looked at each other crazy, made a few more comments and then i released her to the throngs of passionate readers.
this was my favorite bell reading ever, and i've seen her many a time mind you. she didn't talk about her boyfriend or therapist as i had heard her do so many times before. no. last night's talk was entitled,
"Resistance and Reclamation: Liberating the Black Female Body". She let it rip!! i was overjoyed, thrilled and more than delighted to be part of the audience. (One of the things she said when she saw me was how glad she was to see a black female at the talk. this is seattle for goodness' sake. but i'm glad there were some white folk in the audience. EVERYONE needs to be hip to the concepts that she be bringin' for the masses. i want to share about my revelations and her dynamic speech, but i'll discuss that at another time...)
of course i shared an affirming comment at the end, exchanged a few more hugs and then waited around as she was signing books. at one of my first bell hooks' book signings, sponsored by
my home away from home, i was a
college student with limited disposable income and didn't have money to buy a book. i believe i had asked a question or made a comment about being a writer and a gentle, elder white woman bought me
my first bell book. she said it would be helpful and she wanted me to have it. i was so grateful as it has proven to be much more than i could have imagined.
at the end of the line, there was a sista who didn't have the dinero to buy a book and asked bell to sign her notepad. i grabbed her hand and asked her what book she would like. she requested
Talking Back: Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black. i purchased it for her, paying forward the gift that had been given to me.
the whole time i was just lingering in the doorway, so magnetically pulled to bell, i didn't want to leave. there wasn't anything more i wanted to share with her, nothing particular i wanted to receive. i just enjoyed being in her aura and i wasn't ready to walk back to my car. when the line wrapped up, she gave me a goodbye hug, thanked me again for my comment and departed with her entourage.
it took a long walk to the car, and an even longer drive home for me to understand why i felt so compelled to be in her presence. i'm not a groupie or a whore of academy celebrities. i know plenty of people in high places and i don't get really jazzed about lots of degrees, record deals or international notoriety. what was it then, that encouraged me to be so close to her?
between here and there i realized that for the last 8 years, my social circle has primarily consisted of brilliant, loving, passionate, revolutionary black women. in seattle my close friends are few and none of them are black women. i miss my soulsisters and heart friends who are currently living in the bay, atlanta and the northeast. i miss our deep conversations and unyielding interconnectedness. there's nothing like a bunch of sistas who engage themselves and each other in the transformative process called life. there's nothing like a good sista friend.
being around bell reminded me of
beverly and
bahati and all the other sista/mother friends on the road of black feminism. i wanted to take that energy with me. and that wasn't really feasible. now i understand what's next for me to cultivate in seattle. community. yes, yes. it must be here somewhere. if not, it's up to me to create it...
soo...thank you bell, for reminding me of who i am and what i already know. this is a mighty beautiful thing. in the meantime, let's keep praying that all the boxes check yes and deliver me safely to the a. in a few weeks for that
incredible conference. i promise to keep you posted on the progress.
always love and light,
l'
building a case...
yes, yes. i love to travel. i also love an incredibly good deal. when in lived in atlanta,
clark howard was the savior of my traveling life. i went to paris for $303 roundtrip. belize for $400. now he's really wilein' out. here are a few of his fabulous travel finds that are currently availible:
$191 London
$214 Guatemala City, Guatemala
$231 Paris
$499 Osaka, Japan
$605 Cairo, Egypt
$889 Cape Town or Johannesburg, South Africa
For all y'all who live in (or near) Atlanta and want to travel, please check out Clark's fantastic finds. He's got incredible domestic deals on there too but you know i'm much more excited about the journeys outside of the country. i'm sure you can also guess that this means i'mabout to be going somewhere soon. i haven't figured it out yet, but these deals are too amazing to pass up. soo...if you want to go somewhere and would like a travel partner, please let me know. if you're not sure what you're looking for, i'll let you know when i make up my mind.
in the meantime, have beautiful day.
love,
me
country croonin' part 2/i'm on a mission
mia told me to send let her know next time i'm going through atlanta withdrawal. as one of my most direct, shoot from the hip, pull no punches, tell it like it is friends, dr. mia was sure to put me straight. i sent her an email last week as i was going through some cravings and she replied just like i thought she would. and i know she's accurate. it's time for me to get grounded (even if only temporarily) somewhere. seattle might as well be the place while i'm saving money to make more moves.
but then
last week's post about
fresh, sol fusion's dopealicious 80s party really inspired me to return to shake my moneymaker atl style. but i could hold my peace by staying in seattle and focusing on my good times here. then i got invited to a sneak, surprise party of one of my beloved's in atl and while i'm tempted to go, the funds wouldn't justify the journey. and then
this jammin' on the one experience at spelman.
moyabeansbailey had to let me know what's really up. and i'm scramblin' to see how i can get there, renegotiate work, see my friends, fam and mentors, paint the town, give&get some love...
this is revolutionary for spelman. it's a blend of mass commercial outreach (which is not so revolutionary for spelman) and expansive feminism. and my baby (SisterFire!) is part of the mix. geezelouize. i'm grinnin' and skinnin' over here. oh, how badly i want to go.
this is what i really want to do:
1) go to atlanta on thursday october 27th, just for sol-fusion's party. that would make my entire month/fall quarter/year probably.
2) return the next week for monday - thursday of hip hop week.this would be my dream come true on the realness. i salivate at the thought.
see...now i understand one of the major, major benefits of working retail. my work schedule was 7 days a week, so i could rearrange my days as necessary when i wanted to take a trip like this. now that my work schedule is only five days a week, things get a little trickier. but i can figure it out. the only thing is, i don't want to spend $300+ bones on an airline ticket, not to mention going twice. hey...maybe i can talk to my peeps in
the department as they're co-sponsoring and all...maybe they can assist an alum of the department and birthmother of sisterfire to be a part of the party...hey, i know it's a long stretch, but they be stretching for me sometime...
i'll let you know how it all works out...i'm on a mission now. and you know how it be when a taurus gets on a mission. some say stubborn, i prefer focused, diligent, determined.
enjoy this beautiful day.
love,
me
p.s. yes, i do have a history of flying from seattle to atlanta just for a party. in 1999, when i took a year off of school, i went back to atl for a few days to attend
funkjazz kafe (the most incredible, faboulous, out of this world party at the time) and an ani difranco concert. yep. it was live and direct for atl. it was worth it too. just like i'm sure this adventure will be...
p.s.s. and this just makes it all that much better/worse...
6 degrees
yesterday was a great day, lunch with the students at a delicious moroccan restaurant and then facilitator training with my incredible team of small group facilitators in the evening. one of my facilitators, kaci, offered me a ride home and marquita decided to ride. although we live on completely opposite sides of the city, it was a great opportunity for us to enjoy each other's company in the luxury of a warm automobile.
we talked about many things: the currently turbulent and confusing complications of marquita's love life, my mother's thrice-annual trip to kenya with a group of african-american women from seattle and the journey that marquita took to south africa last year.
upon arrival at the casa, there were cars everywhere and i knew that my mother's kenya organization was having one of their bi-monthly vision and planning committee meetings. i had briefed them in the car and both kaci and marquita were interested in joining the journey one day in the future. growing up, kaci and her family had attended the same church that we did so she was met with joyful welcome, hugs and smiles. when marquita walked in and i introduced her, marcia (the founder of the organization), simultaneously exclaimed, "MARQUITA!!!" she did not know her, so we were somewhat taken aback by the enthusiasm.
on their last trip to kenya, select members of the vision and planning committee took a journey to south africa to see if they wanted to include it as an additional component to the trip. they toured, met with folk, connected with friends and did other important groundwork. one of the people they was a young sculptor who had fallen in love with a young american woman from seattle when she visited a year ago. he showed pictures and told stories of their fabulous time in south africa. he hand-carved a sculpture titled, "truth," dedicating it to their love, and sent it with my mother to be delivered. my mother committed to delivering it, without a clue about where to find her. that is, until she walked in the front door.
although my mother had briefly met marquita at our student retreat, her face didn't trigger any memories. marsha recognized her immediately from the pictures the young sculptor showed her over a year ago. the beautiful sculpture was sitting on a window and was immediately delivered to its rightful owner. (i'm glad i didn't swipe it for my apartment like i had initially planned).
this is how divine order works. so much is going on beneath, above, beyond the surface that we aren't even aware of...so many options in this choose your own adventure story called life...did i mention that we also discovered last night that marquita and my sister are in the same sign language interpreter class?
what if marquita had just gone to the bookstore like she initially planned?what if she had ridden along but decided to stay in the car?what if marcia had decided not to come to the meeting?well, none of it happened that way. everything unfolded beautifully, like a bob ross painting on pbs. and that's an incredibly humbling thing. just goes to show how much we really aren't in charge. that's why the true power is found when you let go and just go with the flow.
love,
me
creating facts
i am unfolding. spilling sloppily from the top of an icy cold glass. there is a process here of manually focusing and refocusing my mind on the prize. my beautiful, expansive mind enjoys entertaining all of the options, fantasizing about what might happen if...and so i spiral off into day dreams of what could be. there is a frustration here because i know that conformity is waiting with baited breath for me to step in line. there are many signing bonuses. a multi-million dollar prize to be redeemed in group validation and communal acceptance. and while it is tempting, i know that this is not the reality i crave. there are more jewels beneath this surface. there is a lot of light glimmering and i will not go after the electric star.
i remember t's mantra ("stay focused") in times like this. i have to trust that it's okay to do what i need to do in order to go where i want to go. there are parts of me that are jealous for the perceived lifestyle of associations and memberships. of crawling/walking/sliding up some ladder towards something that is perhaps useful. sometimes i want to step in line and use the lingo and shake the right hands posing for pictures to be flashed when accomplishments are rattled off. part of me understand the importance of lakeside connections, spelman ass kissings and strategic contrived relationships.
other parts of me could never give a rat's ass if i ever have group approval. as long as i've got my passport, a fresh mind and enough fundage for the next visa, i'll figure out the rest as i go along. as long as i can dance, connect, learn, share, worship, grow, heal and be healed, i don't care about anything else...i have such a strong feeling of rebellion, of bucking against the bite. i am not interested in being tamed and yet i wonder if that's the way to go...
how have the wild survived?
i do not want to be vainly refined/palatable/dignified. i will collect my pieces, gluing myself back together. i am whole, outrageous and powerfully bold. i will remember how to move from that place. i will live my full self back to breath. audre says, "speak you mind, even if your voice shakes." sarah trusts me for support and wisdom in these hard, hard days of hers. i know that i am here somewhere. i exist outside of this box, beyond these stifling limitations. i believe in beauty enough to hold the light in my heart and stay focused on it's dream.
what do i do with the rebel? with the child inside who wants to run rampant and express and scream and destroy and rebuild? where does she go? where can she be free?
"today is the day. the moment is now. take the risk of living."
love,
me
stories
i had stumbled into an identity crisis. disconnecting and forgetting so much of who i am. there were so many blank spaces, question marks where I used to be. i kept prodding, trying to pick up the blanket so i could see what was underneath. but nothing moved. there was no revelation. i could not figure out what was covering me. i did not know what was masking me from myself. almost everything was blank.
last night as i was driving down the road, it finally occured to me. i had become my stories. there were stories of heartbreak and loss, infidelity and betrayal. memories and 'back in the days...'. angel used to say, "you can't heal a story". i had lived myself so deep into my stories that i did not know how to authentically evolve into another experience.
today i am out of stories. i have remembered that nothing in the past or future is real. it is all illusion created by the stories that we tell ourselves. and so i create this moment, fully present. as soon as it passes, it is gone. i am practicing complete detachement and total engagement with the present. this is my journey. it is all that i am.
love,
me
this is what happens when i move to out of town...
this is my for real dream come true. anyone in the a, please go for me.
love,
l.
into me see
oh a lot, a lot has been happening since the last time i blogged. but first, thanks to all the folks who have read my words and were able to get something juicy from them. thanks for leaving me notes. it does help to know that i've got company on the road. thank u so much.
i've been exhausted a lot lately and it's probably due to the fact that i haven't been eating well, and sometimes not at all. this isn't really on purpose, but i have a little appetite and no desire to really eat anything except paggalicci's pizza and fruit smoothies made with tofu. some fruit and other items if they involve melted cheese and bread combos. and so i feel like i'm bouncing inside myself--sometimes there's a hovering sensation or the sense that part of me has left my body for other adventurous lands.
and i'm always thinking, analyzing, processing, thinking...this of course isn't new but it's becoming a little distracting. there has been some sadness, but not the all-consuming, temporarily debilitating kind that i've experienced on and off for the last six years. (when i finally realized that i had developed a long-term, fully-committed relationship with depression, i decided that it was okay to break up. so i did.) instead, i've been experiencing a muffled murmur of matrixhood, something insinuating that i've increased my level of engagement in the illusion. and i want to be radical in my skin again.
so i've been trying to figure out where this sadness was coming from. what was i looking for and not receiving/creating? what was i craving? after a few freak outs, several brainracking sessions and an extended period where i avoided making and receiving phone calls (i'm still in that period), i realized that i've been craving INTIMACY. yes. Intimacy. (INTO-ME-SEE). i began making a list of folks to call and write and reconnect with. dates to be had on the phone and in person. adventures to create. i began missing my various communities in atlanta. the parties, the clubs, the love and the folks. i missed my friends whose hands held me through the most challenging times. i missed my lovers that didn't know how to handle me and those whose love so immense that i ran away screaming. i yearned to be seen and heard and acknowledged. i wanted to validate and be validated. i wanted to know that someone 'got' me and i was still just fine. and yet i didn't reach out. i didn't initiate or return phone calls. i stayed frozen, paralyzed by my yearning for emotional intimacy and petrified that it would or would not manifest.
i've been called a extroverted isolationist once or twice in my day. and yeah, i might be to some extent. i love spending time with myself, and i've been doing a lot of that lately. but where's the emotional intimacy? where's my willingness to reach out, connect, create new relationships and sustain the older ones? i know relationships need regular maintainance and well...i ain't been up on my duty. it's a little scary yet. why? cuz i feel disconnected from my folks and if i feel disconnected from them, you damn sho nuf bet i'm feeling disconnected from myself. and so this all of this brings me back to the point: i'm seeking from other people what i'm not giving myself...
that's where i am right now. i'm also a little distracted my "half and half" and i'm highly anticipating "medium". of course they're not the top tier priority, cuz i've got revisions to complete.
always love,
me
currently playing
Beautiful by Joydrop
If I was beautiful like you
Oh the things I would do
Those not so blessed would by crying out murder
And Id just laugh and get away with it too
Like you do
If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault
Id walk in the rain between the rain drops
Bringing traffic to a halt
But that will never be
That will never never be
Cause Im not beautiful like you
Im beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
If I was beautiful like you
Id be quick to assume
Theyd do anything to please me
I know I see the reaction when you walk into a room
But that will never be
That will never never be
Cause Im not beautiful like you
Im beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
Beautiful, Beautiful like me
Like me, like me
If I was beautiful like you
Id have so many friends
Always fighting for my time to be next in line
So if I hurt one I wouldnt have to make amends
That will never be
That will never never be
Cause Im not beautiful like you
Im not beautiful like you
Im not beautiful like you
Im beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
Im beautiful like me
Im beautiful like me
(remember our theme song, jah?)
QuestLove
i wonder what it's like to be in love without a whole buncha shit attached to it. one of my girls is in some deep, open loveness, and while time and space haven't allowed us to have a deep convo in a couple of months, i trust that it's a rich experience of exploration and celebration for everyone involved. i wonder what it's like to love without the tin can ghosts of past relationships clanking behind every step. i wonder what it's like to step into a compassionate, gentle relationship with Love, one that brings joy and excitement with it's fulfillment.
for yearsandyears, the thought of romantic love just equaled the prospect of pain. (please note that this yearsandyears time spanned a few (painful) relationships). love's 'get out of jail free' card went straight to hurt. and so i wonder still, what it would be like to have an unsoiled, freshly clean slate of understanding for the possibilities of love...what would it be like to trust Love enough to be selective in the process instead of shooting myself in the foot before i was even out of the gate?
what would it look like to connect the dots and follow my heart's calling? what would it entail to only date folk who were worthy of journeying with? different layers of myself have worked into an incredibly cyclic process of hamster wheeling the same relationship over and over again and i just want a beginner's mind. a clean slate. the idea of the possibility of true fulfillment.
this is not about snow white/cinderalla/sleeping beauty/pretty woman fantasies. but about creating experiencing real, organic love. what would it take not to feel victimized before anything has even started? is this my black girl plight? is it about being from a city where brownbrown girls felt incredibly undervalued, particularly in the face of brown boys who had an array of honies to choose from? is it about childhood drama or tv trauma?
what would it take for me to trust love again? and how can i transform myself in the process?
and mind you, i am not urgent. this i not a cry for help or dates or internet chat rooms. the perfect royalty could show up tomorrow in shining armor and i wouldn't even be able to recognize the truth for fear of being blinded by the bling. and of course i want love fulfilled and soulmate(s) and free love in the most true form. of course i want reciprocity and equality and kumbaya. of course i want romance and openness and vulnerability. the question is how do i respect the process enough to just trust it...i guess that's the process in itself...
always love,
me
there are ways to fall in love...
i am sure that life is in here somewhere.
i will discover it beneath the surface.
i will laugh into the palm of your hands, still sweaty from our love.
i will become the fantasy of who i thought i was and live into the mystery between.
love,
me
use the word of the day in a sentence
sempiternal \sem-pih-TUR-nuhl\, adjective:
Of never ending duration; having beginning but no end; everlasting; endless.
it is my desire to be/create a space where the following is
sempiternally true:
i love the universe and the movement beneath the surface...
when i wrote my last blog entry title, i shouted out my girl
teresa because we had just talked about
fiona apple's genuis and the 90-word title for her second album. since i had a mad long blog title, i thought it was a great reference. it wasn't until i read
read the title that i really understood how fickin' perfectly divinely ordered the reference was. check it out for yourself...
When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He'll Win The Whole Thing Fore He Enters The Ring There's No Baby To Batter When Your Mind is Your Might So When You Go Solo. You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand. Then You'll Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know That You're Right.GeezLouize! The universe don't play!
love,
me
i'm going to bed. yes. it's incredibly early but i haven't been sleeping well, so i'm just going to bed now.
tonight i told my dad about
my new book and why it was so important to me. of course he understood how i don't want to adopt the verbal violence so frequently perpetuated by my mother and sister. he understood how i had continued those cycles in romantic relationships and asked me how i would know to get out of them if they ever got abusive again. he wanted to know when i would leave and what it would take for me for me to not even be attracted to them in the first place.
today on
my favorite show ever,
iyanla vanzant said, "when your partner is acting out, treat them like you would like to be treated when you're in pain...remember that your partner is not your parent. that's why it's so important to heal the stuff that you have with your parents first. otherwise, you'll just continue to act out old relationships until they are finally healed."
then i talked to ex. it was our third conversation in three days. that's how it had always been in the beginning. sweet. no pressure. respectful. nice. amicable. the niceness tempted me into believing that real growth had occurred. that i couldn't really turn my back and walk away. neither of us wants anything from the other...or i know i don't, and that's the word i'm getting on the other end. but it's always unresolved with us. something else to say, another problem to solve. sweet words to salve until the next verbal puncture. i think it's sad that i prepare in anticipation of abuse...it's like there's another part of me laying in wait for the slaying. something i was willing to sacrifice for the bigger picture. and i see and feel how it impacts me. instantly.
(why do i love those who (have) hurt me so deep?)
and of course it's over. maybe that's my discipline, to love through the tempation to make everything 'right'. it's not a healthy relationship. there are parts of it that are sound and loving and supportive. but the core is pretty rotten and unhealthy. imbalanced and not good for me.
so i'm going to sleep. unresolved and learning to be comfortable without a resolution. maybe i'll sleep silently and comfortably through the night. maybe i'll dream of new ways to love and be loved. maybe i'll see the silver lining and give thanks for all the angels anyway. maybe i'll just dream myself into a new tomorrow with the strength of a recovered and holy warrior.
always love,
me
*my favorite new quote* (thanks
summer)
The one who makes the idols never worships them,
however tenderly he might have molded the clay.
You cannot have knowledge and worship at the same time.Mystery is the essence of divinity.
Gods must keep their distances from men.
p.s.
teresa,
that title was for you...
lesson 1
my mum used to always say, "you can't be right and in relationship." meaning the willingness to be "right" often blocks out any kind of authentic exchange or learning. i'm only on page 12 of my new book but i had the best 'click' moment this morning. it was: "i can't be right and in relationship". how this has showed up for me so frequently in the past has been an unwillingness to be open and/or receptive to listening to the feelings and words beneath the surface of someone i felt was being emotionally or verbally abusive. i made a choice early on that in order to save myself, i needed to be 'right/victim/abused' and they needed to be 'wrong/abuser~victim'.
yes, part of what kept me in several shitty relationships was an unhealthy level of compassion that enabled me to hear the victimhood in their stories--"my father was an abusive alcoholic. i watched him die on the bathroom floor from a heart attack when i was 16," and "neither of my parents wanted me. as a result, i was raised as a transient child between the houses of other family members." there was some self-love fuse that instantly shorted upon hearing the abusive stories of those i was dating, enabling me to be mother/healer/hand-holder/cycle continuer. i felt bad leaving them alone. i felt like they needed me to help them get better. but of course they didn't. i was an enabler just like they were enabling me to stay in the same cycle addictive cycle...
so i guess what i said in the first paragraph isn't completely accurate. but i'm leaving it there because i'm not quite sure what is. i do know that when it comes down to conflict i want healthy conflict. i want relationships where it is safe to work through issues without abuse, manipulation and lies. and so most of the questions are unanswered. they're just bumping around in my head, opening up into enlightenment slowlyslowly...i think part of why it's not completely accurate is because while i was wanting myself to be 'right,' i was also believing them to be...or something like that...
but there is some power in believing oneself to be 'right'. in being unable, or unwilling to let my guard down. of course it is false power. it is the illusion of true empowerment and it creates a skewed image of taking care of myself and my needs. but it didn't do such a thing, i know. why did i stay in those power struggles? why did i continue dancing in f*cked up relationships when my ass was getting cut?
i was looking for power outside of myself. i was too afraid of embracing my own power, of standing on my own two feet. i wanted someone else to be a crutch, to kinda hold me tall. and who could have done that? not a strong person. not someone grounded in their own divinity or their own power. crutches are broken pieces of wood, kinda glued and bolted together. they support the idea of incompleteness and the illusion of co-dependency.
i was afraid that if i wasn't 'right,' then someone else would be and i would loose my sense of power. i guess i felt powerful when i felt "right". like i won a prize from being abused because that would make it so obvious that i was right and "they" were wrong. if i slowed down enough to really hear what i was saying, to really listen to my own cry for power, then i could just walk away and figure out how to accept myself as powerful. and so that's where i am now. parts of me are consciously compotent, justing loving and being in my own power without thinking or looking twice about it. other parts of me are unconsciously incompotent, without a clue about how i'm disrespecting and disempowering myself...
but i am learning, i am moving up on the scale. i am figuring this out. learning how to get back inside my own selfbody. i am continuing to know, love and accept myself as my own beloved. everything i need i carry with me. there are no crutches needed. i am powerful in my own right.
lesson one...
love,
me
the thought of it brings knots to my stomach. last night she said, "yes. i know i was abusive." and the relief that i had anticipated did not come. and that's okay because i really didn't need it. i had already confessed to forgiveness, which is good and healthy and whole. and i refuse to hold on to the pain of the abuse because it really isn't the point. what i'm more interested in and concerned about is shifting myself into a whole new track.
there were never physical scars. not from her or my mum or liann or the others whose words were violent and abusive. and having returned home, i'm beginning to understand why i've attracted and maintained the same explosive communication and conflict resolution cycle. my mother, god~dess bless her immaculate and beautiful soul, deals with conflict, stress, frustration, disappointment and discomfort in incredibly verbally violent ways. my sister's rage ran the house for most of my childhood. i didn't even know how to acknowledge or express anger until my early twenties (and mind you, that wasn't a very cute picture at all--often times it mirrored the only way i had seen it expressed: rage and explosive anger).
faith hill said she knew her hubby, tim mcgraw, was "the one" because he
felt like home. and while a lot of my home feels like sweetlovin' and goodness, when it comes to conflict, conflict resolution and the previously mentioned stressers, "home" get mightymighty uncute. so that's why i dated folk who too felt like home, except it wasn't a healthy place to be. and while i don't see myself operating in those abusive ways, i know that:
1) my mother and i are too similar not to be mindful of how i am inside of conflict.
2) it's a cycle/relationship that requires an abused and an abuser. i refuse to continue being either. i
know that there are other ways of being in relationship and being in conflict. i'm not quite sure what that looks like, but i am determined to live my way into the answer.
so
this book here was recommended to me and i'm a little nervous about it. but i know that i've got to develop new skills otherwise i'll just reference what i know, what i've seen and experienced. so i'm looking forward to the process. i told her about it too. i pray that she reads it, but her choices have nothing to do with my new path.
i don't really know how to explain it, and part of me wants to soften my words by saying, 'it's not as bad as it sounds'. and maybe it is, maybe it's not. either way, gauging my experience isn't relevant. what's real for me is transforming old, useless patterns into healthy habits and ways of being in relationship. with myself, in my family, in my community and the world. i mean really, how relevant is it if i can heal the world but don't know how to be in healthy conflict my sister or my mama or my partner when i'm pissed. not much at all.
like i say, we attract where we are. and apparently i wasn't in the healthiest place. but i'm making moves in the right direction. thanks god~dess. and so it is.
lovelights,
l'
i'ma dancin' machine
i was dancing (in the window of course) with my beautiful, almost three year old niece. i thought vh1 soul might be a little too graphic for her, so we listened to digital cable '80s, 90s and r&b stations. what i realized while dancing in the mirror and listening to groovy toons is that i kinda dance like a mid-thirties white woman with rhythm. or a mid-thirties black womyn who grew up around white folk. and since i'm neither white nor in my mid-thirties, i think it's time for a little remedying. i used to be such a good dancer, and while i can still rock a intricately choreographed groove, apparently the freestyle isn't where it's at.
i need to either:
1) return to atl for strict, re-negrofication dance classes or
...well, that's the only realistic option i can think of. any other ideas?
the hardcore truth:i need to move to either chicago or nyc for a strict, 6-9 month house dance immersion. that is the music that stirs my soul to breathe. when i emerge, all of my negroidness will be in tact and my dance skillz will be out of this world. yesyes, that's the plan for now. i'll let you know where it gets me.
love,
me
Who Rocks the House?!
"L'Erin rocks the house! And when L'Erin rocks the house, she rocks it ALL DAY LONG!"
"Micky, Micky, Micky Mouse. Rock the House! Micky, Micky, Micky Mouse. Rock the House!"
I had the most incredible, delicious, juicy, empowering, gratifying day yesterday! I really did rock the house like nobody's business! i facilitated a group of 60+ high school students doing work that is helping them transform into dynamic, amazing global leaders. and y'all, let me tell you! All of the twisty, turny roads that have lead me up to this point, all of the seeming dead end roads--mangers! They were all worth it!
I was hot like fiya up there! Talking and jumping and engaging and facilitating. I have officially stepped into my groove!! For Real! And it was worth the wait more than I can even fully articulate! I am so grateful for the Most High blessing me with focus and commitment. And all the angels along the way who gently (sometimes) whispered in my ear to keep going. to "stay focused" (thanks t. for that incredible, consistent, mantra. geeze louise!). y'all dig? can you really dig what i'm saying to you here?
I AM FINALLY LIVING MY LIFE IN PURPOSE!!and boi, does it feel grrrreat! and this is only the begining. but i am living the dream of getting paid to do what i love to do! working with youth, creating and facilitating leadership curriculum with an international focus. going abroad! working with dynamic young folk who be teaching me stuff!!
before my meditation yesterday i was restlessly sleeping/thinking/worrying about not being prepared for the retreat. and in my meditation Spirit spoke saying, "L'Erin. You have been prepearing for this your whole life." Well true dat. Word to the mother. And i prayed that Spirit would shine through me. That i would step aside and just let the Most do the work. And i could feel it happening. I was at home again. working as a midwife on the journey towards empowerment, enlightenment...for us all...I'm learning and growing and evolving from these exchanges as much as everyone else there. And boy, girl, boi! was it a beautiful thang!
These young scholars are amazing and brilliant and opinionated and vivacious and full of prana! They are ready to learn and grow and i have been blessed with the perfect job opportunity to get them a little closer. To help them learn some more tools on the path. Oh yes. I am in there. Although i woke up at
1 am yesterday and went full-force until 9 pm. I was not exhausted. I was energized, fully present and totally excited. that's how i know it was Spirit and not about me. the moment everything was over and i took a sip of water, i could feel my energy draining out of my feet. i could have fallen asleep on the floor. but i didn't. i processed with my small group facilitators, broke down the room, went home and soaked in the bathtub. watched
making the band 3. Then i went to sleep.
this morning, my body is sore, i could use a lot more rest, but i'm energized and thrilled about what's to come. i know this is true for every day, every moment, every breath, but this really is the begining of the rest of my life.
thank you so much for your high prayers, thoughts and love. i am finally getting in my groove. it is never, ever worth it to settle. all those years of holding out for the dream were worth it. now i'm ready to get the party in motion.
abundant love and gratitude,
l' boogie down brown suga
i am a straight up sucker for good bios...
sophomore year of college i went through an obsessive and depressive phase when i would watch, "before they were stars," "behind the music," "ultrasound," "biography," and other biographical shows on television. i compared myself to all of my favorite celebrities and then spiraled into the bowels of depression when i hadn't achieved or accomplished all that they had. trust me. it was not a pretty scene.
nonetheless, i just stumbled upon an incredibly impressive bio and i must share it with you. this here man is the new brother man on
the apprentice. while i haven't checked out one episode yet this season, i really hope he does well. or that one person of color wins this year. geezlouize! anyway. drumroll please...
Randal,
34, is the founder, president and CEO of his fifth venture "BCT Partners," a multi-million dollar management, technology and policy consulting firm based in Newark, N.J., that works with corporations, government agencies, philanthropic and nonprofit organizations. Born in Philadelphia and raised in Hightstown, N.J., he holds
five academic degrees in engineering, business and technology including a B.S. from Rutgers University, an M.S. from the University of Oxford in England as a
Rhodes Scholar, and an
M.S., M.B.A. and Ph.D. from MIT. A former college championship track and field athlete, he has received numerous awards for his accomplishments as an entrepreneur and technologist including the National Society of Black Engineers "National Member of the Year." A Leadership New Jersey Fellow and Next Generation Leadership Fellow, Randal has been featured by Black Enterprise magazine and Ebony magazine in their "30 Leaders of the Future" issue. He is a proud member of First Baptist Church in Somerset, N.J., where he resides and is happily married to his wife Zahara.
i'm not comparing myself anymore and clearly that is not the life i want to live, but it's nice to know that someone is doing big things such as this. right-o. i'm inspired to keep on keepin' on in the way that i love to live. have a great weekend and keep doin' your own beautiful thugthizzle.
love,
me
